The Ship Pheonix

We came for different reasons. Some of us were sad, some were frustrated, and some were just tired of living the same everyday life. Whatever our motivations, we all answered the ad. Looking for a getaway? Has life got you down? Need an escape? Take a cruise on the Phoenix. I don't think any of us still alive know if those words were a gift or a curse.

At first appearance, the Phoenix looked like a dream. Walking up the gangplank, my heart lifted partway from where it had fallen when the call that told me she was gone came. Part of it sinks back down when I think of where I was going before I made my way to the ship's mooring.

If the ad for the Phoenix hadn't somehow found its way into my pocket in place of my smokes. If I hadn't looked for the missing pack and found the folded paper promising an escape instead. I would have already gone to be with Kara.

Just like the rest of the passengers on the Phoenix, I met each face wearing a smile to mask a secret I carried. Music, Bach, Beethoven, or another classical composer played from unseen speakers, greeting our ears as we made our way on board. Sparkling champagne sat on stone countertops in elegant glasses, waiting for our lips to touch their rims.

Laughter filled the air as we exchanged names and learned superficial things about each other. James, the carpenter, who was from New Haven. Jane, the singer, who had performed on Broadway. Madeline, the mechanic who worked in her uncle's garage. Tom, the accountant, whose breath smelled of too much alcohol. Theresa, the scorned wife who planned on leaving her husband. And me. Charles, the bad friend, the coward who came to the Phoenix instead of jumping off the Golden Passway bridge.

Those first moments we were on the Phoenix were a cruel illusion. The introductions with fake smiles. The empty handshakes. The excitement we used to disguise our misery as the vessel headed into darker waters. The lack of a single crew member.

“Where do you think they’re taking us?” Madeline asked.

“Somewhere out on the water, I imagine,” Tom answered, spilling more of his vodka-laced breath into the air.

That’s how it went as the Phoenix sailed from the harbor. We were still excited, but curiosity was building underneath our surfaces. With each passing wave, our curiosity turned to concern.

"This is crazy, no one has told us anything." Jane, who had serenaded us with Selena Gomez's Lose You to Love Me, said.

"I'm doing something," Tom muttered the words more than he said them. We all watched slack-jawed as he stormed off. Involuntarily, a shudder racked my body when the first boom ricocheted through the air and again when another came. Together, the remaining group of us moved until we stood behind Tom, who stood before a closed door, repeatedly ramming into it.

"We need something to pry it," James, the carpenter from New Haven, said as he strode forward from our small crowd. Immediately we began a frantic search. Each of us moved to examine a different section of the cabin until a disembodied voice filled the room from speakers mounted in the ceiling.

"STOP!" The word reverberated through the air, freezing all of us where we stood. We all exchanged wide-eyed looks. This little trip. This promise of escape was quickly devolving from a dream into a nightmare.

"Calm yourselves." The voice commanded. Behind us, the cabin door Tom had been slamming into swung open. Every eye turned to look at the room beyond. Across the threshold lay the Phoenix's controls with no captain or crew in sight. James and Tom fell upon them at once.

"I'm afraid that won't help you." The rest of us looked back toward the speakers while James and Tom continued their attempt to gain access to the ship's controls. "You may continue your effort if you wish. Though it will not change the course that has been set for you." Tom slammed his fist against one of the monitors, and James turned to face the speakers.

"It was by no accident the ads for this voyage found their way into each of your lives. You have all come to the Phoenix in need of drastic change. Madeline, you exist inside the walls of a prison made from a marriage to a woman who would strike her hand across your face as much as she would love you. Tom, you toil away your days in an office that confines you before you go home to drown yourself in a bottle. Jane, you're trapped in the pain of memories that keep you from living your life. James, guilt holds a vice around you. You pay over and over for a crime, a burden you can't lift from your shoulders. Theresa, you stand in the doorway telling everyone who will listen you're leaving your husband but you never actually go. Charles, you're suffocating with your betrayal, too afraid to forgive yourself." Throats swallowed, and heads lowered as we all disappeared into our thoughts. Each of us taking stock of our lives.

"You are all afraid to make the necessary changes in your life." The disembodied words hang in the air and ring in each of our ears. "The name of this vessel was given for a reason. The Pheonix. A bird that consumes itself in fire and finds rebirth from the ashes. You are all in need of rebirth. To be consumed by the flames around you so that you can be reborn. But every one of you lacks the strength to do what needs to be done."

My heart sinks in my chest as my story replays in my mind. Knowing how close I was to ending my life in a watery grave before I stepped onto this cursed ship. Interrupting my thoughts, the disembodied voice continues.

"The time has come to enact the change each of your lives is calling for." The boat's engine rumbles to a stop, and our worlds drop from under our feet. The Phoenix's momentum slows before we're just drifting. Madeline takes Tom's hand in hers, and the rest of us look to each other for comfort.

"In the next moments, you will each be given a choice. To tell the story of what you will leave behind on this ship before you jump into the sea to swim for a new life or die where you stand." Panels slide back in the walls, and gun barrels protrude. My breath catches in my chest, and Jane screams. Breaking the anxiety pouring down on us, James shouts to the speakers.

"Go on then. I’m not afraid. You wanna kill me. Kill me. You hear me. I won't do what you say!" Explosions erupt from the barrels. Blood sprays from James, and my body hits the floor with the others. Smoke hovers in the air as the echoes from the gunfire bounce off the walls. Getting back to my feet, I look at James on the floor, ripped apart by the bullets that tore through his body.

"James has made his decision. He would not rid himself of the guilt he carried for a night he couldn't take back. He chose to die instead of telling you how he and his brother robbed a store once. How only his brother was caught. How his brother was murdered before he could finish his sentence. How James never forgave himself for being the one who got away." I can hear someone crying, but I can't tell if it's Theresa or Tom. I don't blame them. I would cry myself if I wasn't so afraid.

"Theresa, will you tell your story and swim for a new life?" Moving her hands to her mouth, Theresa collapsed to her knees, and the gun barrels moved to follow her movement. Rushing in, Jane and I helped her to her feet.

"How far is the harbor?" Theresa asked beside me, her voice meek.

"The present location of the Phoenix is one mile from shore." Theresa gasped, and I felt her weight fall against my arms again before she picked herself up and pushed away from Jane and me.

"My husband cheats." She said, beginning her story. "He used to hide it, but now he doesn't care that I know. He tells me it's my fault. That I've let myself go. That I'm ugly. That no one would blame him." Theresa stopped speaking, and I watched as her throat moved up and down before she began again. "I don't know if that's true, but I'm tired of feeling bad. I'm tired of crying for him. After I jump from this boat. After I make my swim, I'm going to take my kids and leave." Looking one more time at our faces, she walked from the cabin, and a moment later, we heard a splash in the water.

"Jane, will you tell your story and swim for a new life?" Jane stepped forward from where she was and began her story.

"My husband and I were driving with our daughter. Just a day trip to Dublin when the front tire blew." Her voice breaks, but she keeps going. "I can still feel the wheel jerk in my hands. I can still feel my husband Rob's hand on my arm. I can still hear our daughter, Abby, calling for me in the backseat as our car went through the guardrail." Jane stopped wiping tears from her cheeks before meeting each of our eyes. Then, in a husky voice, she spoke again. "I've hated myself every day since I woke up in the hospital for being the one who survived." Wiping more tears away, she continued."They wouldn't want me to keep living this way. They would want me to find a way to be happy. I'm going to make my swim, and I'm going to find my sun again." Without a look back, Jane stepped from the cabin, and we heard another splash.

"Tom, will you tell your story and swim for a new life?" Tom looked at his feet, and dread began to stand with the hairs on the back of my neck. Lifting his head again, he looked at the barrels and spoke.

"I can't stand my life. I hate my job. I don't have anyone. My wife left a year ago. All I do is drink and wish I was already dead." Raising his chin, Tom said in a quiet voice. "Go ahead. I won't make your swim." A gasp left my throat and I watched Tom raise his arms straight out from his sides. I didn't fall to the floor this time when the barrels erupted. I stood still and watched the spray of red as Tom danced with the bullets flying in the air. The smell of gunpowder filled my nose as gray smoke clouded the room. When it was over, Tom lay just feet from where James had fallen.

"Madeline, will you tell your story and swim for a new life?" Madeline stepped to the center of the room wiping snot and tears from her cheeks.

"I've loved Kacey for longer than I can remember. She was my first love. I don't know who I am without her or who I was before her. But she hurts me. I try so hard to please her. I do it for a while. Before I inevitably do something. I always make a mistake. I don't mean to. I just push her buttons until she can't take it." Madeline, not crying anymore, looked defiantly up at the barrels pointed toward her. "The worst isn't the way her hand feels like fire. It isn't the pain or the taste of the blood. The worst is the anger she feels. The way it looks in her eyes.” Shaking her head, she continues. “I shouldn't, but I feel guilty every time she hits me.” Running her hands down her chest, she brings her eyes back to me. “I love her so much." She says, her voice gaining strength with each word. "I will make my swim, and I will leave her. I’m not afraid anymore." Striding with a confidence that wasn't there a moment before Madeline left the room. A moment later, another splash filled my ears.

"Charles, will you tell your story and swim for a new life?" Looking around me, I take in the room that is empty except for the bodies of James and Tom. A breath fills my lungs, and I search for what to say. For a moment, I sink deep into my pain. Then releasing the breath, I begin.

"Kara was the freest spirit I’ve ever known. Her aura shined brighter than any star. I never felt more alive than when I was with her." Taking a moment to swallow the lump growing in my throat, I gather myself and say. "We met our freshman year. We were inseparable from the start. The best of friends. Wherever I was, that's where Kara was." A tear escapes my eye and I have to stop before I say the next part. "Kara was always dramatic. Late at night, when I'd have to get off the phone, she'd say I'll kill myself if you don't stay on with me. I never believed her, and she'd always be there the next morning." I stop again, remembering the last day I saw her months before the end. "That's why I didn't believe her when she called. I didn't come back when she said she wouldn't make it if I didn't." More tears escape, and I confess my sin. "I wasn't there when she jumped from the bridge." My gaze moves to the floor and then to the ceiling. A whisper falls from my mouth, I love you, Kara. Then I offer my ending to the disembodied voice.

"I will jump into the water and make my swim. But I will never forgive myself for not coming when she called. I will learn to carry her with me. Not in pain, but in love. Her memory will live with me. And, I will fill my life with enough moments for the both of us." Finishing, I push my hands down into my pockets and leave the cabin.

Ocean air hits my face as I step outside. My feet carry me across the deck, and I climb up on the rail. My eyes look to the stars and watch as the horizon moves up and then down as I dive toward the water and splash down beneath its depth.