The Service

“When you walk into the room…”

“Wait, should I write this down?”

“If you need to, I guess.”

“Be right back.”

“Don’t write it down, just listen then.”

“Got it, listen.”

“When you walk into the room…”

“Should I use the door?”

“Yes, use the door. How else would you walk in?”

“I could climb through the window.”

“That would be climbing into the room. Just use the door and walk into the room.”

“Right. If it’s closed, do I still walk in?”

“Okay, yes, if it’s closed, open the door.”

“Should I yank it?”

“Yank it?”

“You know, give it a hearty pull but hold onto it so it doesn’t bang sort of thing?”

“Why would you do that?”

“Maybe it’s stuck or maybe somebody else is holding the handle at the same time and it needs a tug.”

“Better not yank it, just open it like a normal door interaction.”

“I mean, it may not be an issue if there isn’t a door. Not all interior doorways have doors. If there’s no door, just walk in like you were saying?”

“It may not be an issue, in which case, just walk in.”

“Do I have a bop in my step, a strut or a casual gait?”

“Just walk normally.”

“Normal depends on my mood. If I’m confident and happy, I may have a bop normally. If I’m determined, I may have a purposeful strut. If I don’t give a damn, I could be, you know, casual.”

“You have to make up your own mind about your mood.”

“Dude, mood matters, what’s my mood when I walk in?”

“What’s your mood right now?”

“I’m a little frustrated that we’re still at the door.”

“That’s on you man. You keep asking questions.”

“You know this is important to me. Get serious.”

“I am serious. Use your ‘this is important to me’ mood.”

“So it’s important to you too?”

“What? Sure. I’m talking about your mood though. You wanted to know your mood for your walk.”

“Of course, don’t act like I’m a moron. What happens after I get through the door?”

“Someone may or may not say ‘hello.’”

“Wait, you just slip that in, there’s a big difference between no hello and a hello.”

“You know how to be social. If someone says hello, say hello, if not, then don’t”

“What if they recognize me and want to chat?”

“Did you go to Gideon High?”

“No.”

“Who is going to want to chat with you at a Gideon High reunion?”

“The folks there grew up and got jobs, right?”

“Well, maybe I met them on the job somewhere and they say something like ‘I didn’t know you went to Gideon too,’ and then I’ll have to say something back.”

“That’s not going to happen.”

“That’s just what we all say when something is definitely going to happen.”

“Okay then, don’t answer, just politely excuse yourself and keep moving, or even better answer with a question.”

“A question?”

“Yeah, ask whoever if they have seen Baumgartner. Save yourself some time looking.”

“Okay, but suppose no one asks. How do I find Baumgartner?”

“Everyone will have name tags on, read the name tags.”

“I won’t have a name tag on.”

“That’s okay if you walk with purpose.”

“Oh, so it does matter how I walk in the door. I walk purposefully”

“Okay, right, walk purposefully. Be polite, but purposeful”

“I can do that. You should have told me sooner though, saved us some time.”

“Okay, my fault.”

“Yeah.”

“Ready?”

“I just needed you to be, you know, accountable.”

“Ahhh, you got it. Now, find Baumgartner, and ask him, ‘Are you James Baumgartner?’”

“If he has a name tag on, why do I need to ask?”

“Because you have to ask. That’s part of how it works.”

“He’s going to think I’m an idiot. What if he just makes a face and points to his name tag and gets sarcastic? Do I hit him?”

“Don’t hit him.”

“I’ll want to hit him.”

“Don’t hit him. What you do is jam the envelope into his hand and say loud enough for people to hear, ‘James Baumgartner, you’ve been served. Have a nice evening,’ and leave.”

“What if he drops the envelope?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“What if I want to dance with someone because it’s a good party?”

“That’s really up to you but it’s probably best to leave.”

“Okay then. One more thing, what if I forgot the envelope?”

“What?”

“What if I forget the envelope? Do I just shake hands?”

“No, just make sure you have the envelope before you go in.”

“Before I go in the door?”

“Yes, before you go in the door.”

“Dude, you should have started with that. Run me through it again.”