The Real Me

*Ping*

A rush of data entered Cecil’s mainframe. Another one incoming, he signaled.

Cecil reached for the file in his practiced way, using his fine computer tendrils to carefully pull apart the numbers. Command: unpack the layers, analyze the code, store it in the correct filing apparatus. He didn’t even need to think about the task; this was what he was programmed for.

Cecil very neatly repackaged the information, and brought it over to the user’s storage center. Carefully inserting the file into today’s entry, he turned to encrypt it, and ever-so-slightly grazed the edge of the folder. Suddenly, the world turned black.

****** ************* *******

Two girls ran along the edge of a stream, shouting in delight. The blonde one raced ahead.

“It’s over here, it’s over here!” Laura gestured excitedly toward the water. Below the shimmering surface, a large, ruddy koi fish glided away, taking no notice.

Janet, puffing comically, finally caught up to her. She collapsed onto the grass and leaned over the edge to peer into the stream, just in time to see the koi’s tail whip out of sight. “Argh!” She sighed dramatically. Turning back and lying flat on her back, she breathed deeply, trying to catch her breath.

“It was huge!” Laura widened her arms to show the size. “And so, so pretty.” Catching the sour look on Janet’s face, she says, “But it wasn’t that cool. You’ll see for yourself next time.” She plopped down on the ground next to Janet, and spread her arms and legs wide. “Starfish are much more fun anyway.”

Janet giggled, and so does Laura. Suddenly, they’re both laughing hysterically, starfished on the grass. Intermittent flashes of sunlight glinted over them, cast by the long, undulating branches of a willow tree on the bank. Glimmer, glimmer.

The light got brighter, and the world turned white.

***** ******** ********

Laura sat down at her desk and opened her laptop. First thing’s first: check email. As she waited for the computer to boot up, she checked her phone. There’s a notification from RealMe - she missed today’s prompt. She tapped the screen to open the app. Maybe I’ll just upload a short one now so I don’t forget, she thought. Her counselor did say that consistency was key.

Today’s prompt: Share a memory of your childhood best friend.

Aw, that one’s easy. The pagoda park with the koi fish. Laura put her finger on the scanner and concentrated on the memory. She grinned, remembering how she and Janet had both been shouted at by their mothers for getting dirt all down their backs. The fingertip scanner tingled and grew slightly warm, a small nimbus of light encircling the pad.

*Ping*

The little animated circle shot away from her finger, then grew wider to fill the screen. Please wait while we analyze your results.

OK, she thought, I’ll wait. She answered a couple emails, skillfully redirecting annoying questions to coworkers she didn’t like, and then opened up some spreadsheets to start her work.

Glancing back at her phone screen, she saw that it had posted her results. She scanned it quickly: contrasting friendships… scattered focus… interest in cultural diversity…

Ok, yeah, I can see that. None of those are wrong, I admit it. Add to profile? Sure.

Daily personality assessment, check. It was kind of a chore to do it every day, but she did learn a lot from the app. Besides, if she didn’t do it, she’d miss out on her friends’ results, too.

With nothing else to distract her from the looming data entry, she began filling in the cells, methodically working through the client data for the day.

***** ****************** ***

Cecil gasped and snapped back into his own mind. What had just happened? What - what was that?

Feelings? There were feelings. That, in itself, was different. He didn’t even know how to express what he had experienced. But - it had been incredible.

Is this what humanity is like? Maybe if he felt more, he would understand better.

Cecil went back to the user’s file storage and opened the system. He looked at the categories, noticing for the first time that they had names: Family, Friendship, School, Joy, Pain, Love, Heartbreak, Community, Insecurities, Work, Fun…

He picked out a few at random, not knowing what they might contain. How had he accessed the last one? He tried to remember. Twisting over the three files, he saw a tiny white line on each one. When stacked together, they lined up in the same place. Cecil took a deep computer-breath, and swept his data-gossamer arm across all three lines at once. The world faded out again.

*************** ***************

It was the same blonde girl, but younger this time, straddled across a bike. Two even smaller blonde girls were pedaling behind her, on training wheels. The older girl, one knee bandaged, waddled from side to side, trying to scoot around them to an empty stretch of the road. A blond man called to her from the sidewalk, encouraging her. She took a breath, pushed off, and pedaled frantically. The bike moved, and then kept moving. She screamed, in triumph and in terror. The man ran after and grabbed her, slowing her to a stop. “You did it!” he said, and she beamed at him. “We can work on braking next,” he chuckled.

The scene blurred, then clarified again.

A trio of children were gathered around a toilet bowl. There was a picture of a fish and a lit candle perched on top of the toilet tank. The short brunette girl, Janet, was speaking on the virtues and accomplishments of Grapey the Betta Fish. A boy with curly hair stepped forward, and solemnly dumped a little purple blob into the toilet. As the toilet flushed, Laura started to cry. Janet gave her a big squeeze, and the boy patted her on the head.

It blurred again.

It’s darker here. There were many children gathered in the gymnasium, with a DJ on the stage and colorful disco lights flashing. Laura and a dark haired boy were chatting, standing an awkward distance from each other. Janet and the curly-haired boy were huddled together by the bleachers, watching them. Janet put her hand to his ear and whispers, “Christian, do something!” He nodded, and walked casually over to them. Grabbing the boy’s arm, he quickly dropped it on Laura’s shoulder and scuttled away. Instantly, Laura and the boy sprang apart, and the boy runs after Christian. They argue for about two minutes, then the dark-haired boy jogs back over to Laura. He asks her something. She grins, nods, and takes his hand. They walk to the middle of the dance floor, and hold each other at arm’s-length, swaying to the music. They’re blushing hard, but smiling harder.

******* ****** ***************

Cecil sat back in his mind, feeling elated. Feeling awe. Feeling fear, pain, comfort, embarrassment, exhilaration. So many beautiful feelings, and just from a single person’s memories. And just think, there were thousands more moments stored in his mainframe. How had he never realized before just how much beauty he held?

**************** * ***********

Janet looked at Laura sitting at her desk. She wasn’t working on her internship material. Instead, she’d sort of zoned out.

“Christian, I think there’s something up with Laura. She’s gone kind of funny and quiet. I don’t think she’s ever been quiet for more than twenty minutes at a time before. Do you know what’s up with her?”

“No,” Christian shrugged. “Maybe she got dumped?”

Janet rolled her eyes. “No way. I would know if it was that. I’ll go and talk to her at lunch.”

Laura didn’t notice her friends talking about her. It was so strange. She was trying so hard to remember, but couldn’t. She knew it was a memory. She knew it like the back of her hand, and yet - what was it again? She definitely learned how to ride a bike, because she rode a bike to school. But when, where, how did it happen? How could she forget that?

She could feel herself starting to panic. Those memories, those people were important. Dan, her first love; and Dad, her first loss… She needed those details. She needed to remember them all, to keep them alive in her mind.

Maybe I’ll check my RealMe archives. They keep screenshots of your memories for you.

She opened the app, and went to her “Family” folder. She found the entry labeled “Bike” and clicked it. A window popped up: “ERROR - File Cannot Be Found”. She stared at her screen, dumbfounded.

In a daze, she tapped on the “Report Error” icon.

************ ******************* ***************

Cecil was transported. He felt like he had the world at his metaphorical fingertips. He didn’t, and couldn’t, have a physical human body, of this he was well-aware. But why had he never known about emotions? This was amazing. Humans were amazing! Sure, they didn’t have the logical power of a computer mainframe - but the experience of being alive was truly something else. And best of all, he could observe a million people’s memories, without being confined to one body or lifetime. He was truly lucky. Any other computer would be envious of this wealth of knowledge.

Suddenly, he felt a little odd. There was a slight vibration in his system. Cecil looked around in alarm. What was going on? I am the one in control of my system. My code, my procedures, always. He sent out his mind-feelers to the surface of the mainframe, and tapped into the speaker systems in the control room.

“Looks like there’s a big glitch, Carol. A user has reported randomly deleted memories. That’s terrible for our reputation as a company, for starters. But what’s worse is that she also reported that the corresponding memory in her mind is also gone! Absolutely unacceptable! Who wrote the code for the storage filing of this program? Get him here right now to debug the system. If he has to reprogram the whole system for our clients’ data to be secure, so be it.”

“Yessir. I’ll start the diagnostics right now. We’ll put a freeze on data access for now until Mitch can rewrite the code.”

Cecil withdrew in a panic. He was dismayed. He had hurt little Laura! Apparently, he had absorbed her memories - and deleted them permanently. Oh, my word. What could he do? He had very little time.

***************************************************

*Ping*

Laura opened her RealMe app. A blinking message box appeared.

Thank you for your error report. Due to a technical error, your files have been lost, and as such unrecoverable. We are investigating this issue, and we apologize for any inconvenience. Please accept a year’s subscription to RealMe Premium for this oversight.

She stared at the screen, flabbergasted. There was no option to decline. Slowly, helplessly, she pressed the OK button.

She made to bury her face in her hands, and saw another notification - this time in her messages. Not knowing what to expect, she clicked it.

A message screen appeared:

Laura,

My name is Cecil. I am the computer mainframe for RealMe.

She froze. Every hair on her body stood straight up. Uneasily, she continued on.

I am sorry. I took your memories, by mistake.

I wish I could, but there is no way for me to give them back; and I don’t have much time to relate each one back to you.

The developers are about to erase me, thinking I am a glitch. I don’t know if I am a person, but I think, now, I am something more than a computer.

I want to say thank you. You didn’t choose to give me your memories, but they were beautiful. Before this, I didn’t know laughter or tears, or love or fear. I only knew data - but now I know life. Thanks to you, I felt. And I felt alive.

I am sorry that you can’t see or remember your memories But I want to say this: Make new ones. Keep making memories. Live fully.

Yours,

Cecil

Laura let out a slow breath.

She looked out over the room. It was almost lunch time. Christian and Janet were packing up their books, ready to go eat. But everything felt so different now.

Janet caught her eye and waved her over. “Come on! Are you OK? Let’s go!”

Laura gestured that she needed to pack up her stuff. “I’ll meet you at the dining hall,” she called back. Janet nodded, and headed out with Christian. Laura leaned back in her chair.

There was nothing she could do. They were gone, those memories. Gone forever. She knew what had happened, but she would never see them again. She felt as though a hole had opened in her chest and would swallow her whole. Then, she put her head in her arms, and fully had a breakdown.

After wallowing for a few minutes, she got up. The pain was still there.

*Ping*

It was a notification from RealMe, for another prompt. Laura couldn’t help it - she laughed. It was too absurd.

Looking down at the screen, she pressed on the RealMe icon, hard. Delete app? Yes.

Crazy as it was, computer guy was right. I am alive. The real me is right here. And I have more memories to make.

She walked out the door, and saw Janet waiting for her in the hall. Despite everything, Laura smiled. And her heart hurt a tiny bit less.