The Real Home Fauxes (pronounced Foxes) of Cheboygan

"OMG, she's like dead," Debbie Dolittle, hotel heiress an aspiring foot model, says into Camera 2 and to her social media fans on "Live." As she stands over the prone body of her reality show, Pop singer castmate Tete'D'air "TeTe" Jones. Making sure to hold her cellphone so that her "Live" fans get the best angel of her semi ashy feet and TeTe's prone body.

"Oh, take it down a thousand Debbie, she's not dead. She's drunk off her ass, as usual. Wave some money in her face. I bet that'll wake her up." Pied'A'terre "Terre" Jones, Tete'D'air's adopted younger sister, a once-popular hot girl in dance videos, says nonchalantly as she pours her 8th whiskey for the night. Not caring one bit about the cameras or the actual state of her sister. Terre's only focus was getting as drunk as possible and passing out. She had no time for her sister's games or the dingbat who was trying to take the perfect picture of her pinky toe.

"OMG, Terre, what a horrible thing to say about your sister." cries Sunshine Lyez, the founder of Sunshine's Babies. A makeup and skincare line for the decerning socialite between the ages of 0 and 3. "She's your sister..."

"I'm adopted," Terre says, cutting off Sunshine and downing her whiskey in one gulp.

"...and she needs your help. Don't you want to help her?" Sunshine continues while rifling through her purse. "Here, Debbie, this 100% non-recyclable plastic tube of Sunshine's Creamy Crack Hair Cream has 20% cocaine extract in it. It helps brighten the hair follicle, relieves headaches, and helps your little one stay bright and fresh for those "Inthegram" photoshoots." She says with a wink directly into Camera 3, which was on her left side, her best side. "That should wake her up."

"Yeah, Sunshine, give her your creamy crack. We see how well it's worked for you." The Zapato Twins (first names unknown) snarkily replied in unison, laughing at their private little joke. Their family owned the most prominent family-owned pet dog shoe company in Michigan.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Sunshine says, trying to discreetly pull her wig back into place.

"Yeah, I'm sure," The Zapato twins answer as they take a drink from their shared margarita, which was just Tequila with lime and nothing else.

"Forget, Starshine's crooked wig," Penelope Knoughtwell, former Duchess of Knought, says as she haughtily waves the twins and their unfortunate target off. "Will someone, Debbie, please go and fetch the maid so that she can check if Ms. Tete'D'air is actually dead. We've only booked the chalet for the next month. I don't want a death ruining the first vacation that I've had in 6 weeks." Penelope says as she places cucumbers on her inner thigh bags to reduce the puffiness.

***

The seven ladies present were the cast of the latest, minimally known reality TV show on the hottest public access station in the greatest Northeast Region of Michigan, "The Real House Fauxes (pronounced Foxes) of Cheboygan." They were on a pre-arranged surprise girls Christmas holiday trip on a private man-made island in the picturesque setting of the local luxury campgrounds "The Great Lakes and Ponds, Resorts, Casino and Amusement Park of America." They were just finishing up re-shooting a grueling 45 minutes of their early morning arrival scene and were just settling in for a relaxing day when Tete'D'Air suddenly passed out. At first, the other ladies thought it was her narcolepsy and let her be for the next 24 hours. Still, when she hadn't moved by 12pm the following day, everyone wondered if she was really asleep or something worse. When another 12 hours went by, and she hadn't moved, Debbie finally suggested, over and over again, that someone should check on poor Tete'D'Air.

"Listen, honey, how about you go check on TeTe since you're so worried about her," Terre told her after listening to Debbie's whining for a full hour.

"Yeah, you go check." The Zapato twins chime in.

"Yes, Darling, do," Penelope says in her overly affected British accent. She would be mortified if people were to find out she was from a small town south of the Mason-Dixon line called Hogsbottom, where she was Pretty Little Ms. Hog for 2 years straight. It's a good thing Penelope paid the government big bucks to have that information suppressed. Otherwise, she might find herself working back on the chitlin assembly line. Her recently dead be-liked ex-husband's great-grandchildren could destroy her with that type of information. "Please, darling, hurry." She says with a wave of her lace handkerchief.

"Sunshine, will you help her?" A frightened Debbie asks in hopes that someone else would do the job.

"Oh, girl, you're right. Tete shouldn't sleep in her awake makeup. Still, I haven't done anyone's sleeping makeup since I worked in my uncle slash step daddy's funeral parlor as a makeup artist. Plus, her makeup is perfect. I say leave her alone and let her sleep as she would have wanted. Pretty." Sunshine says as she tries to flick a piece of gum off her finger.

"Girl, WTF are you talking about. Debbie just asked you to check to see if TeTe is dead, and you're talking about her sleeping in her makeup. Did you drink the formaldehyde or what? Maybe YOU need to go back to sleep," Terre says, rolling her eyes at the dits who had more money than brain cells. How Sunshine built a multimillion-dollar beauty brand with the brain of an amoeba, Terre would never know, but she did hope that Sunshine would give classes soon.

"Yeah, I am kind of sleepy, but I just did my awake makeup, so I'll wait," Sunshine says with a smile as she readjusts her wig, which she thinks everyone else thinks is her natural hair.

"Why can't I be sleep? I need some food." Terre says, rolling her eyes as she walks out of the room towards the kitchen.

"Well, I guess it's you, Debbie. Chop Chop, we don't have all day. She needs to be up so that she can be in the dinner scene." Penelope says as she spritzes her face with her exclusive Hummingbird Secretions Facial spray.

And that's where our story began.

***

"The maid is busy, her assistant is busy showing their assistant how to assist them in assisting the maid, but the under assistant's assistant was available. She who would like to be referred to as "They" said They would call down to the switchboard to get the Doctor or his PA to come and check. Unfortunately, they, the Doctor and PA, not "They" can't come until the pond thaws out because it froze overnight. The boats are stuck, but great news, we can now ice skate," Debbie says happily but breathing hard because she had to run from the adjoining island, where the maids and their assistants live.

"What, wait?" Sunshine says, confused about a few things. Like, what an underassistanttatant is? Why do they need the Doctor's daddy, and why did Debbie spell out the word PA? Everyone knows what a Pa is. Sunshine's had 4 herself.

"Yeah, ice-skating!" The Zapato twins exclaim, their only focusing being how much trouble they could start.

"Ugh, I don't do ice unless it's at a spa, and I'm having my capillaries shrunken," Penelope says, examining her thighs for any signs of change.

"You are all insane," Terre says as she walks back into the room and over to her sister's prone body. Bending down and sloshing a little bit of her whiskey onto the body, Terre gingerly touches her sister's wrist to feel for a pulse. "No pulse," she whispers.

"Oh, that club closed years ago, but I know the owner, and he'll let us into his new club called Pulsate for free if you guys want to go," Sunshine says happily, twerk bouncing in her chair.

"For the love of a ham hock! I MEEEEAAANNNN SHE HAS NO HEARTBEAT, YOU IDIOT!" Terre yells at a dumbfounded Sunshine. "Debbie, didn't you say there was a doctor nearby?" she asks, turning back to look at a visibly distressed Debbie.

"Yes, but they can't get here because the pond is frozen," Debbie says nervously, wringing her hands. She just knew that one of them would ask her to do something she didn't want to do but wouldn't decline because of how big of a wimp she was.

"Didn't you say you were once a semi-professional ice skater?" The Zapato twins ask with an evil smirk on their faces.

"Yes, but..."

"Great, go fetch the doctor," Penelope says, cutting Debbie off focusing back on her cucumber treatments. "Oh, and can you ask the maid who runs the baths to please ready my pineapple enzyme soak? I would like the water 100 degrees, no more, no less. That'll be all." she says, regally waving Debbie off.

"Draw your own bath, princess bad Dye Job," Terre says to a piqued Penelope, who just huffs in disgust while smoothing out her two-toned hair. It wasn't her fault her colorist got booked on racketeering charges.

"Debbie, do you mind going to fe... I mean, do you mind getting the Doctor's PA?" Terre asks, looking at her sister, not truly believing she was dead.

"No, I don't, Terre." Debbie politely answers. Goodness, is that so hard for you to do, Duchess Porcupine? Just ask. Debbie thinks as she walks out, off on her errand.

Fifteen minutes later, she was back with the Doctor, his PA, the maid, the maid's assistant, and the maid's assistant's assistant. Guess why? Camera 1, Camera 2, Camera 3.

"So this is our patient." The bald head big-toothed Doctor, who resembles a game show host, asks into Camera 3, his best side is also his left side.

"Um, yes, Doctor. This is my sister..."

"Adopted." The Zapato sister coughs out.

"My SISTER," Terre says, cutting her eyes at them, "she's been like this for almost 2 days. I checked her pulse and didn't feel anything." Terre says, suddenly feeling nervously nauseous.

"Ok, if you can all move back," The Doctor asks the gaggle of maids, maids assistants, and Terre, who was starting to get teary-eyed. "Ok, scalpel," he says, holding out his hand as if in an operating room.

"WTF, why do you need a scalpel?" Terre asks, alarmed at the possibilities.

"I'm just funking with you." The Doctor says, laughing at his own humorless joke. "Can you hand me my stethoscope, please?" He asks his PA, who shares a little chuckle with him. "Ok young lady, let's see if you're really dead." He says to TeTe's prone body.

After 5 minutes full of "Hmm Hmm"'s and "AH HA"'s, Terre had had enough. "SO IS SHE DEAD OR NOT?" she yells at the Doctor.

"No, well, I don't think so," The Doctor says, rubbing his chin. "It seems she's only mostly dead."

"What the hell is this!" Terre says, throwing her hands up, "what are you, a disgraced ex-castle wizard. This isn't a movie, buddy! Now you have 10 seconds to tell me what's wrong with my sister or you're the one that's going to need a Doctor. You got that, Doctor?" Terre says, poking the Doctor in the chest with her perfectly manicured nails.

"Right, right," The Doctor says, looking around for his defibrillator machine. Finding it next to his foot, he charges it up, picks up the paddles, and...

"Whoa, what the hell are you going to do with that?" Terre asks, grabbing his hand.

"Wake her up!" the Doctor says, shrugging his shoulders.

"Wake who up?" a new voice asks, followed by a chorus of

"What, wait?"

"Oh, thank goodness."

"So, can we go ice skating now?"

"All this fuss over nothing"

"Bitch I actually thought you were dead!"

Touched by her sister's recent words, Tete'D'air "TeTe" Jones jumps up into her arms and whispers, "You do love me! It was horse tranquilizers."

"Truly insane!"