The Princess Files For Bankruptcy

IN THE COURT OF PUBLIC OPINION Case No. 0001-GRNGRL

THE PEOPLE VS. PRINCESS EVERAFTER

Filed: Today, during the lunch break

DECLARATION OF BANKRUPTCY by Her Former Highness, Princess Everafter

I, Princess Everafter (formerly of Castle Bliss, currently subletting a 1.5-bedroom condo over a vape shop), do hereby file for emotional, financial, and narrative bankruptcy.

This declaration comes after years of living under the unsustainable burden of Happily Ever After™, a contract I entered into at age sixteen under duress, extreme hormonal imbalance, and the influence of enchanted woodland creatures.

Assets Claimed:

- One (1) tarnished tiara

- Three (3) gowns that still sparkle but smell like regret

- A small army of disillusioned talking animals, now unionized

- Forty-seven (47) copies of How to Love a Prince Who Can’t Read Emotional Cues

- One (1) glass slipper, cracked at the heel, used as an ashtray

- Twelve (12) fan letters from villagers, all unsigned

- A cursed spinning wheel currently functioning as a coat rack

Liabilities Include:

- Lifetime supply of royal expectations

- Mounting castle maintenance debt

- Chronic people-pleasing disorder

- Annual parade fees (non-refundable)

- One emotionally unavailable spouse with strong chin and weaker insight

- Forty-five years of backlogged dreams

- Annual donations to the Fairy Godmother Retirement Fund™

- Unresolved sibling rivalry with Stepsister #2, now a crypto influencer

Background:

After escaping my oppressive childhood via spontaneous ballgown transformation and a musical number, I believed I was ascending into a life of comfort, purpose, and meaningful dialogue.

Instead, I became a smiling mascot for a kingdom I couldn’t name on a map.

I was paraded, pedestal’d, silenced, and saturated in soft-focus lighting. I smiled until my jaw locked. I kissed babies, ogres, and once a goose, under contractual misunderstanding.

Meanwhile, Prince Valor (née Brad) pursued valorous adventures—slaying budget dragons and launching a podcast about resilience titled Sword & Self-Care. Spoiler: It’s mostly sponsored ads.

My own voice was reduced to PR statements:

"The Princess is radiant."

"The Princess is resting."

"The Princess is in another castle."

Well, she’s not.

She’s here. Filing.

Recovery Plan:

- Liquidate all narrative tropes

- Reclaim personal branding ("Happily on Her Terms")

- Establish GoFundMe for post-crown therapy

- Launch a line of moderately empowered sleepwear

- Begin part-time work as a freelance potion tester

- Publish memoir: Once Upon a Breakdown

- Decline all future enchanted invitations

I no longer consent to perform resilience for public consumption.

I refuse to weaponize my trauma into teachable content.

I will not smile through another crisis for the sake of continuity.

Effective immediately, I rescind my subscription to destiny.

I hereby demand:

- A full audit of my fairytale

- Reparations for unpaid emotional labor

- A cease-and-desist against singing mice

- Backpay for all unsolicited heroism

Please forward all poisoned apples, glass shoes, and unsolicited prophecies to my lawyer.

Signed, Everafter, No Longer Princess

Dated: Eternally fed up

P.S. If found wandering barefoot in the woods, do not approach. I’m on a healing journey, and my restraining order extends to all dwarves, princes, and freelance narrators.