The Prank Phone Call

Glovanna knew all the rules for prank calling. She knew that the prankster should ensure the prank never involved the authorities; that they should never make threats; that they should not impersonate the police; and that they shouldn’t call emergency hotlines.

She recognized that the prankster should always be prepared and that she should know exactly what to say when the victim picked up the phone. The prankster should not hesitate or stutter. She might be a bit silly, never serious, but she should avoid laughing or snickering for fear of giving away the prank.

Glovanna knew all of the rules but she did not obey them. She called 911 many times; once to report a man with a fishbowl stuck on his head; another time to report that she was stuck in the toilet with no toilet paper; and another because she did not receive the $1.62 worth of extra shrimp in her shrimp fried rice.

But she didn’t just prank 911, she did it to her friends, or any sucker she could find on April Fool’s Day. How else would she celebrate her birthday? If you were born on Christmas you open gifts for your birthday; if you were born on New Year’s Eve you drank champagne; and if you were born on Halloween you put on a costume.

It happened the first day of April on her 24th birthday. Glovanna and her friend, Acura, were discussing the possibility of an exercise routine.

“Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!” Glovanna raised her hand in the air and twisted it around in her friend’s face. “Beside,” she said, “If I break these here nails I’m gonna be real salty.”

Glovanna’s extreme fingernails were 12 inches long, curled and decorated to match her gold neon lipstick and gold hair.

She explained to Acura that she had been growing them for years, ever since her press-ons flew onto another table one day when she was having lunch with her boyfriend.

“He laughed so hard he cried,” she said. “And after he stopped crying, he said ‘Don’t wear fake nails ever again, just grow them long!’ And I did.”

“Well you should cut'em,” said Acura, whipping a pair of nail clippers from her pocket on cue.

“Would you cut Samson’s hair?” retorted Glovanna.

“How do you even work like that?” Acura asked. “And don’t that pose a problem for you in the bathroom?”

“Girl, I’m all that and a bag of chips. This here body is a canvas and I wanna decorate it. See, I like to be different.”

“Yeah,” Acura said. “I guess common sense is like deodorant; those who need it most never use it.”

“You wrong for that,” said Glovanna. “But it’s okay, I’ma forgive you.” Then she explained how growing extreme nails took serious dedication and was a labor of love. She told Acura how it was a confidence booster and gave her a sense of self-esteem.

Acura gave her friend a sympathetic look, “I just want you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.”

“You just trippin cause all the men love what I got,” explained Glovanna.

“I ain’t trippin! I got a man and I know he loves me,” assured Acura. “So you need to quit buggin’!”

“Okay, I could agree with you but then we’d both be wrong,” said Glovanna. “So I’m gonna just call him up right now.”

“What? So you can play your childish games? I don’t think so.”

That’s how it happened.

Glovanna argued that Acura’s boyfriend was not in love, and in fact, that he was cheating on her. Acura was convinced that her boyfriend loved her and after a bit of persuading and cajoling, she agreed to let Glovanna prank call him to prove it.

Glovanna never used her own phone for prank calls; instead, she used a prepaid wireless phone to do the deed. She dialed Acura’s boyfriend and pretended to be conducting a survey for a local flower shop. She began to flirt with him to loosen him up. Acura started to feel jealous because he began to reciprocate. Not only was he participating, but he was crossing the line by asking her what bar she hung out at.

Glovanna informed him that if he would answer just two questions he could win some flowers. She asked her first question, “Have you ordered any flowers in the past six months?” To which he answered, “No.”

Then she asked her second question. “Do you have plans to send any flowers in the next six months?” And again he said, “No.”

Glovanna told him that he had won the flowers for participating and asked if he had anyone he would like to send them to. He said, “Yes.”

Acura smiled. He loved her and was going to send her flowers.

But the name he gave was not hers!

Her heart dropped and her head became dizzy. She struggled to understand what was happening. He was sending flowers to a woman who wasn’t her, along with a card that read, “I can’t wait until the arrival of our little bundle of joy!”

Acura couldn’t process anything for several moments; she couldn’t speak, she couldn’t think, and she couldn’t breathe. She only came back when she heard Glovanna laughing hysterically. “Girl, you might wanna pick up yo' face,” Glovanna said.

Acura sank into the couch but Glovanna couldn't stop laughing. “Niggaz and flies,” she said, “Niggaz and flies!”

Glovanna’s cell phone rang. Her laughter came to an abrupt end. She listened for a moment in silence, then hung up and looked at Acura, “That was Jube.”

“What?”

“It was Jube,” she repeated. “I pocket dialed him and he heard the whole conversation. He was all, ‘you try'na cheat on me?’ Girl he was turnt up.”

Acura didn’t say a word. Then the corner of her lips curled up in a smile.

Glovanna’s neck snaked back and forth, “Did you hear what I said? He was clownin’.”

“So what am I supposed to do?” asked Acura. “See, that’s payback.”

Jube was insecure and he was extremely jealous. He thought Glovanna was hooking up with the dude on the phone; that she and the rest of the world were playin' him. He looked at her text messages and checked her emails. He didn’t understand her explanations and he thought she was speaking in code. If she said she LOVED him, he thought each letter represented another word.

He thought that whatever she said meant something else. He tried hard to crack the code but he couldn’t. In his mind, Glovanna purposefully started arguments so she could go off and be with somebody else. She FaceTimed him to prove that she was alone but he insisted the other man was hiding in the closet.

Although there was not a scrap of evidence to support his suspicion, Jube would search her handbag and check her dirty clothes hamper. He started using binoculars to spy on her from long distances. After pretending to leave the house, he would hide in the bushes and surreptitiously re-enter in order to trap her with her lover.

One day he found a soiled sweat suit and insisted that it proved beyond a doubt that she had been messing around.

He grabbed her by the throat and began to strangle her. She broke free and locked herself in the bedroom. She dialed 911 and he threatened to kick the door in.

The 911 operator had taken several prank calls from Glovanna in the past. She responded with a wisecrack and disconnected the call.

Jube made good on his threat. He kicked the door in and grabbed Glovanna by the arm, swinging her around like a rag doll. He placed both hands around her neck and began to squeeze. She wanted to scratch his eyes out but her curled-up fingernails were too long. She tried to grab the doorknob but couldn't grip it.

She began seeing stars and was moments from passing out. Acura pushed the door open and hit Jube over the head with a lamp. Shattered glass exploded across the room. Jube hit the floor like a ton of bricks and the air returned to Glovanna’s lungs.

The police arrived and handcuffed Jube. They carried his unconscious body out of the house, stuffed it into the back seat of the squad car, popped on the lights and siren, and zoomed off down the street.

Glovanna had never been happier to see her friend. “Where did you come from?”

“I just stopped by on my way to exercise class. Thinking maybe I could talk you into going.”

“You too thirsty fam. I don’t need no exercise,” said Glovanna, flipping her long gold weave with her long gold fingernails. “You know I’m all that and a bag of chips.”

Acura smiled, reached into her pocket and pulled out a pair of fingernail clippers.

Glovanna looked Acura in the eyes and smiled back. Then she stretched out her hands and extended her fingernails toward her friend.