The Permanent Homecoming of P.B. Karpis

I couldn't see anything but streaks of light; behind me, something like two dozen eyes flashing red with the same intensity as the light ahead. Maybe I was disoriented from all the running and split-second decisions trying to shake these guys or something but chancing it with the light seemed like my only option. I had no idea where all the running had gotten me and the panic of the last few minutes seemed to momentarily supersede any concept of a location. I never thought I'd end up in this position again. I only knew the light was the one sure way to shake them and I knew what could happen if I chose it. I took a split second to brace myself for one last dash, possibly my last in every way, and this lent me a flash of courage. I turned my head back toward the crowd, still facing The Road ready to sprint if I saw any pupils start to dilate, and I just asked them, "What do you want from me?"

This seemed to amuse them. Some of them turned to each other and laughed. It was weird. One of the bigger guys said, "We just want to talk, dog," flashing his fangs just enough. It glinted with the light from The Road. I could see he was young. Definitely in his prime.

Now the Tabby asked, "Where do you think you're going? Didn't your mom ever tell you not to cross the light?" The other guys openly laughed and I broke eye contact just as his pupils started to dilate. My legs seemed to realize this before my brain did. I feel like I was already halfway across The Road when I realized I was still alive. The momentum alone would've kept me going even if I'd tried to stop. I took another big spring with my back legs.

Midair might have been the worst time to conceptualize for the first time the three-dimensionality of the light. My whole life up until then, I thought it was just one big ray that perhaps excited the air around it to cause the noise. But in this hyperaware state, I realized there were individual objects creating the noise and shining the light. And there was one heading right for the exact spot where my heroic legspring was about to land me. I couldn't reasonably expect my feet to hit the ground. The light was so bright, I thought I might already be dead. But from this perspective, now I could see a low shrub practically beckoning as a landing pad to break my momentum and give me a place to hide and think about my next move. If I could just land this one and start the next, that was my shot at seeing the sun tomorrow.

Then came this shrieking noise I can't even describe. I felt like it was splitting my head open. It sounded like....no. I told you, I can't describe it. I can't even do it justice. It felt like it had its own force. My first thought was someone saw me on The Road and pulled some kind of alarm. I know it sounds crazy but I can't describe where my head was. Nothing seemed to obey the limits of reality anymore, especially when against all expectations, I felt my feet hit the ground and reflexively spring once more for the shrub as the sound got worse. Every horrid second of it seemed to get worse until it stopped so abruptly, I wondered if it was in my head.

I felt so dissociated from my body, it took a second for my brain to register that I'd made it into the shrub. I was alive! And the guys were gone! I counted my limbs before I started to clean myself up and relax a little. It seemed my ordeal was over until I heard humans and froze. In that moment, it didn't feel so irrational to think there really was an alarm over me being on The Road.

First I heard a lady. "I just want you to know before you say anything, this is your fault! You didn't have to tailgate me all the way up here! I have it all on dashcam!"

Until a man's voice responded, I thought she was talking to me, but I started to relax again when a man's voice replied, "Oh yeah, that's great! Send it to the cops, show them how you've been brake-checking me since the 58! See how they like that!"

She sputtered, "Oh! You mean hitting my brakes to avoid hitting cars in front of me like a normal driver? I gave you every opportunity! Every opportunity! To go around me!"

"My turn was coming up! I don't change lanes because I know people like you won't let me back in! I didn't think you'd just stop in the middle of the road just to take a right turn!"

"You didn't see that puppy running across the street?! You shouldn't be driving if you didn't see that!"

--

Now I, wannabe author-ghostwriter-whatever, I stop typing and place the cursor a couple paragraphs back. "Hey, this is what I'm talking about, you're bringing up new details in the middle and I'm trying to keep this linear. You didn't mention a dog."

"You don't understand. She thought I was a dog. She said a pit bull puppy ran across The Road."

"Oh, shoot, I'm sorry for interrupting. Go on. So you made it into the shrub. What about the guys chasing you?"

He scoffs. "Total posers. The only one who had the nerve to follow me into the light was the Tabby. Which I figured would be the case. He stayed on me and from his angle, thought I got hit. So he listened to their conversation to confirm it. Unfortunately, all it confirmed to him is that I'm still alive, made it into the neighborhood, and" -- he grimaces -- "that I look like a pit bull."

Confused, I'm quiet for a second and then I say, "You're not a pit bull. Clearly."

"I know that," he growls, and I nearly apologize seeing I'd offended him, but he continues. "But you see how I've got a pretty big head, right? He's been spreading that rumor for a while. So he started telling everyone it's confirmed by humans that I'm really a pit bull. And of course they believe it, sight unseen, if they hear a human said it."

Now I stop typing again but this time it's because I'm trying to figure out if he knows I've been calling him Pit Bull in my head this whole time. He sees me studying his expression and says, "Are you gonna laugh, too? Everybody thinks this is so funny. Everybody already calls me Pit Bull. Come on. Out with it."

"No! Not at all," which is a lie but the rest is true, "I'm listening. I'm just trying to figure out what that dude gets out of telling everyone you're a dog."

"Plenty. He gets to tell everyone he got a dog so scared of him, it almost died running across The Road to escape him. Gets to look like the big hero telling everyone there's a stray dog on the loose. Gives him leverage to come run this place if he wants, really."

I open a separate document because I need to keep him on track and maintain the flow, but this has raised some unavoidable questions and I don't even know where to start so I just pick somewhere. "Does he, umm, actually believe you're a dog?"

"That's what's so ridiculous! His whole macho contest started with me because he thinks I'm related to someone else who screwed him over a long time ago or something, I don't know. I set him straight but I must've hurt his pride when I had the nerve to dish it back to him."

"Who is this guy?" I asked. "I see one tabby around here but it can't be the same one. This one's so skittish, it only comes to the patio when we're all inside. I tried putting some food out for him once and --"

"You put food out for him?!" He jumped off my lap and turned to face me. "That's him! Don't ever put food out for him. He dominates a 7-house block. He's got three separate owners all thinking he's theirs. And one of those is a hoarder house. He can eat anything he wants, anytime he wants." His tail started to bottlebrush. "Dry food, canned food, all the mice he wants. I hate that guy. So much."

"I'm really sorry," I said, "I couldn't possibly have known. This is all completely new to me."

After a moment he said, "You're right, you couldn't have known."

"Yeah, man. I won't do it again. Hey, let me get you a snack and then you can tell me the rest of the story."

--

I stayed in the shrub as long as I could. I didn't know if any of the guys were still monitoring my position. I guess it was the next evening that I came out. I wanted to stay longer but I had to find some food. I saw a wall covered with tree branches that'd give good cover, supposing no one was waiting under that cover to ambush me. I hopped up without incident and followed it to the central line of back walls and fences for a good view of my options. There wasn't enough sunlight left to catch the glint of a food dish but that also meant there might be some line rats out soon. Being as exhausted and hungry as I was, the best I could hope to find was a slow and possibly toxoplasmotic specimen for minimal prep time, because I was not in the mood to play kitten toy before I ate.

I got about three houses up and sat down, trying to conserve energy in case I had to fight a surprise enemy or hopefully, my dinner. I scanned my new view and instantly locked eyes with a human. I instinctively braced myself to run but the human smiled and said, "Hey, kitty kitty," turned around, and returned almost immediately with a dish of kibble before I could make up my mind. The human shook the dish toward me, put it by the door, and went inside.

I couldn't believe the instant service. This was panning out to be such a good place already, it almost hurt remembering I needed to keep moving if I wanted to keep the Tabby off my trail. Still, it couldn't hurt to stick around for a couple days and get my energy back up. I ate that whole bowl of kibble in five minutes flat and it was the best kibble I've ever had. I found a nice bench a couple yards from the patio and curled up in the fluffy grass underneath. I only expected to sleep a few hours but the sun was well up by the time the voice from yesterday awoke me.

"Here, kitty!" The human placed the bowl at the edge of the patio and went back inside. Seeing the yard was still vacant, I got up and ate some from the plentiful bowl, unable to eat more than half this time. This was the excellent luck I'd been afraid to hope for. Now I didn't want to leave but I figured I may as well enjoy it.

I must've fallen asleep at some point. This time another voice awoke me from above: "So you're just going to play house here, huh? That's adorable."

I knew it was the Tabby. He was sitting on the bench above me. This wasn't unexpected but I admit he'd caught me off guard. I quietly steadied myself to fight or split as he went on, "I mean, don't get me wrong, that was pretty impressive the other night. I thought you got hit. I almost felt bad for a second."

"What's the point of all this?" I growled, not even pretending to mirror his slick demeanor.

"Hey, I'm not here to fight," he said smoothly, "I'm just here to tell you I can't have you in this neighborhood. You need to get back up to the bluffs."

"I'm not even from there! I don't know any of those cats. And what would all this accomplish if I did?"

"I just don't like you, bro. I'm an alpha. Like, the alpha alpha. And you think you're an alpha. But basically..." I think he was fumbling for something cooler-sounding and he trailed off with, "like, you're not a true alpha."

"Then why do you care if I'm here? Are you saying there's only room for one alpha and I'm a threat to you, or are you just exercising your alpha authority?"

This seemed to slip him up a little, which wasn't my intention, because I already knew he's one of those guys who just goes into destroy-everything mode when he feels mocked. Which is probably often, because he's ridiculous. Probably insecure about it.

He jumped down and faced me. "There's nothing I hate more than a dirty low-down stray dog. I told everyone I know to tell everyone they know that it's confirmed by humans. So as long as you decide to stay here and avoid going back across The Road, you need to know every cat in the neighborhood wants you gone just as much as I do."

"That's a lie!" I gasped. "You know I'm not a dog! That's insane!"

He laughed and I knew it was because he'd cracked my composure. "And there's nothing I love more than stealing a dog's food and telling the guys about it later." He blithely walked over to my dish and began eating. He turned to me with his mouth full, slimy kibble falling out of either side of his mouth as he crunched and said, "Hey, Karpis, you can count on this everywhere you go as long as you stay on this side of The Road."

Overtaken by rage upon seeing my kibble fall out of his disgusting mouth while he used my government name, I pounced and rolled him, along with my dish, about seven feet. The bowl rolling and hitting the wall hardly registered in my head because I was getting some good ones in. So was he. But mine were better. I was really rattling his cage when a wall of water sent us sprawling. I thought we'd rolled into a pool but was able to find my way back under the bench. I took a good look and saw the human standing there with a water hose, the Tabby already up the back wall. The human turned off the hose and went inside.

As I caught my breath, I realized there was no way I could stay here, not even just temporarily. If the neighborhood cats were stupid enough to listen to him, I wouldn't be safe anywhere. Even if the Tabby got a life and quit following me around just to torment me, I couldn't count on the other cats to be as rational as I am. I hated to leave this place but I waited a few minutes and hopped the side wall to begin another search. And so it went for months. I mean, the guy really has no life. I was able to sneak food here and there but I'd say a good three-quarters of my food got raided by him or one of his cronies.

--

I, the author-ghostwriter-thingy, see he's starting to get mad so I stop him to ask some hopefully neutral questions. "I have to ask. Who are the cats from the bluffs?"

"I don't know, that's the point. So don't make this story sound like I do. Supposing this story gets anywhere, that's the last thing I need." He jumps down, stretches, and hops up onto his blanket on the outdoor sofa.

"No, no, don't worry about that. I'm just curious because I used to know some cats up by the bluffs. It wouldn't be too much of a stretch to think you're related to them." I instantly reconsider what I'd just said, afraid I'd offended him, but he just yawns, puts his cheek on the blanket and asks, "How do you figure?"

"Well, they're gray and white like you. And," I impulsively append, again afraid to have offended him, "uh, they have great personalities like you do. They always ran really fast and caught mice really well." Now I'm saucing it up too much and I hope he doesn't notice.

"Any names?"

Relieved, I start listing them. "Mitt, rest his soul. Buddy Guy. Agnes. Monkey Ellen. I didn't know all their siblings but I know there was one named Hector."

He thinks for a moment and replies, "Nope, see, I don't even know any of them. The Tabby's just crazy. Crazy stupid. This whole situation is stupid."

I look down at my list of questions but I already have more I haven't written down yet, so I close my laptop and put down my notepad and pen. "Well, you're safe here, aren't you?" Silence from him, then I ask, "Are you still thinking of leaving?"

"I'd love to stay here but not if it means being harassed by the Tabby all the time. And rearranging my life to avoid him. That guy sucks. If I don't eat all my food, he comes to the patio and eats it while I'm asleep. Did you know that? He's on your patio eating food you bought when he has all he needs at home. And he does it just to make a point."

Alright, I love cats, but even I have to admit that's pretty sickening. "Yeah, that's gross. Well, I want you to stick around. Is there anything I can do?"

"Can you kill him?"

"No!" I gasp. "Never! I could never do that! Please!"

He chuckles. "Sucker. I had you going."

"Man, come on, don't even joke about that stuff!"

"Oh, lighten up, I was just kidding," then he laughs again and says, "Nah, actually, I wasn't kidding at all."

"Well, I'm not doing that. Anything else I can do? I'm getting ready to wrap this up for the night."

"Can you buy me a house where I can live all by myself? With a door. And a warm blanket that smells like me all the time. Like this one. That'd be friggin' nice. Other than that, nah, I'm cool, but thanks."

"You want to come in?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying. I just want my own house like it seems everyone else has." He bristled. "Even that loser."

I smooth the fur between his ears and he blinks and starts purring. "Awww, buddy, it's okay. It might be closer than you think," I tell him. No need to break it to him that cats can't own houses. But I might still be able to help him.

Late at night, around 3 something, I wake up and think to check the patio. Sure enough, the Tabby is scavenging. Keeps looking over at P.B., too. I mean Karpis. Shoot. I gotta get that straight.

The next morning, I pick up a plastic bin, a heating pad, and an ink cartridge. I cut some holes, stick the heating pad cord out, and put his blankets in. Then I throw a robe over it as a door. I place this in the corner. He's out for the day but I can't wait to show him. I also throw together a document and print a handful of copies.

That evening, I pick up a couple old friends. Now I'm ready.

He's out late and it's around 11pm. I'm starting to get nervous. My old friends are more than occupied with treats and my other cats' toys, thankfully, which gives me space to wait on the patio.

After a while, I hear dogs barking down the street. Then another set of dogs. There's a chorus of barking and then suddenly, P.B. -- I mean Karpis! -- darts over the wall toward me. The Tabby, close in tow, sees me and freezes solid on the wall. Here's my chance!

"My man, can we talk? I come in peace and all that junk," I inch toward him and he doesn't move, so I slowly continue. "Hey, listen, I have no problem with giving you a bite to eat --"

"Yes, she does!" Karpis yells. "She's just being nice!"

"Dude! Hold on! Let me talk." I turn back to the Tabby, who appears to be smirking. "My guy, I'd like to offer you a truce that's pretty nice for you if you help me out here."

"Oh, really?" the Tabby, who is indeed smirking, replies condescendingly.

"I just want you to leave Karpis alone and I'm willing to offer you a deal. Quit eating his food, don't show up anymore, just stop trying to oust him. We love him here and want him to stay."

"He needs to go! He doesn't belong here!"

"According to me, he does."

"Whatever. So you haven't told me, what's in it for me?"

"Well, first of all, I'm willing to help you out with a little image curation if you will. I have a couple friends I want you to meet." I open the sliding glass door. "Hector! Monkey Ellen!"

The Tabby and Karpis both gasp when they see my two gray and white friends walk out. It looks like a family reunion. But Monkey Ellen is all business and says, "We're here from the bluffs and we've been requested to inform you that we don't know this guy at all."

Hector adds, "Yeah, we've like literally never seen this guy before tonight."

I can tell I've gotten through to the Tabby because he's lost for words. So I tell him, "If you leave Karpis alone and let him live in this neighborhood peacefully, my friends here have agreed to spread the word up by the bluffs that you killed a dog."

"For real?" the Tabby says, his eyes widening. He goes quiet for a moment then murmurs, "I'd be a legend."

"That's right. That's right! You would. And all you have to do is leave my guy alone. That's all I ask."

"I guess I can do that."

"Man, if you could, I'd be so grateful." I approach a tad closer to hopefully prevent Karpis from hearing me. "Hey, I don't mind leaving you a little food on the other side of the wall now and then just to sweeten the deal. Alright? Can I count on you?"

"Yeah, lady, you got a deal." He starts to take off.

"Hey, one more thing!" I call to him, fishing a sheet of paper out of my pocket. "These are DNA results confirming Karpis is 100% cat. You need to stop telling everyone he's a dog."

He laughed and said, "I know he's a cat. I don't need your stupid fake paper. See ya around, lady."

--

Karpis loves his house! I'm so happy! He says it's exactly what he wanted. He walks right in, curls up, and knocks out within two minutes. Monkey Ellen and Hector help me post a few (fake, but convincing) DNA results flyers confirming Karpis is all cat, then I drive them back up to the bluffs and they start their propaganda campaign the very next day. Within a couple weeks, it even gets back to my own cats that the Tabby killed a dog. Holding up my end of the deal, I don't correct them. I just tell them not to let Karpis hear them say that.