The Perfect, Broken City

The Perfect, Broken City

Day 1

Before recently, I have never had an issue keeping my thoughts from the Rebellion. If something has changed, I cannot identify what it is. Perhaps reviewing recent events will help me distinguish the error and revise it before something more sinister takes root.

Today I saw two men walking in the Ring. They were discussing Father’s most grand flower bed. I was impressed to hear how sincere they felt about the colors radiating from them this season. I have been a guard on this wall for many generations, and I rarely pause to enjoy the views now. My attention is supposed to be on the guests that tary along the paths. My task assigned at Entry was to ensure that no one enters our gates before the meal begins. I have always been exceptional at my job, but my focus draws my attention from Father’s glory around me. I must be more aware of his works. I will try to appreciate Father’s garden more.

Day 2

The two men returned to the Ring again today. They spoke of the river that circles the outermost camp. They described it as comparable to Father’s gardens. When they left, it occurred to me that I have never seen this river before. I have never left the city since I moved here out of the Youth Education Facility. I was assigned guard because of my ability to focus on my task and see things others would not have easily observed. Father notices all too, so it is an admirable trait. Perhaps that is why I want to see the river now. Surely I noticed these men in the Ring for a reason.

Additionally, today I heard news of riots on the other side of the wall. My posting saw no action, but I heard that on the side facing the cliffs, a crew of rioters demanding access to the city tried to throw items over the wall. One man attempted to climb over, which was a grave mistake for him. He was taken by Defenders, and I hear his punishment will be final.

Day 3

Approval took far less effort than I anticipated, so I will leave for the river in a day. I found myself concerned with the unapproving tone my supervisor took when I told him of my destination. He seemed unimpressed with the location. I questioned myself until I saw the two men for the third time today as they passed through the Ring. One of them who had deep, black eyes looked up at me as he passed by. Eye contact has been very important to us since all forms of touch were banned in the new era. I felt that something important was passing between us, but it could have been a moment of recognition. He may have noticed me because I am one of the only guards consistently on this wall each day. I wonder if he will notice my absence.

Today he spoke of something I didn’t understand yet. He talked of a species near the river that had beautiful eyes and a sweet demeanor. He spoke of how soft the fur was as if he had touched it himself. I hope to lay eyes on this creature on my upcoming visit.

Day 4

In all my time as a guard, I have never seen a pair visit the Ring consistently for any purpose. The unusual nature of their walks should perhaps alarm me. I find myself making excuses for them: excuses they should be making themselves to the Council. I can’t bring myself to turn them in though. I enjoy their stories; they fascinate me. I so rarely hear others from outside the city speak. Each day a new wonder is painted in imagery before me as they stroll by.

The one with deep eyes spoke of children today. I held my breath so I could hear each word he said as he got further from my post. He described them as if they were small, hairless animals. They leap and tumble, and they touch all things, exploring with their mouth and hands freely. I must honestly say that the image of children at play has struck me. I have never seen a child before. In my time at the Youth Education Facility as a child myself, I was kept from other children. My Path set me up to live in solitude as a future guard, so I was not socialized as other children may have been. The men spoke fondly of children, as if they were somewhat entertaining to watch. I hope I get to see a child when I visit the river, but I doubt that I will.

Day 5

I have committed a grave sin today, and must admit it to my supervisor. While we monitored the landscapers through the gates for the meal, I noticed the presence of the man with deep eyes. He was beyond the gate already, but not walking with the others. He had stopped and turned to watch me. My reaction was automatic, as my training would have it. I ordered him to follow the crowd. When he didn’t comply, I approached him to give a more direct command. I felt myself getting cold when I got close to him; I must have been cold because I began to shake. When I was within reach, I tried to command him again to walk, but he interrupted me. He simply said, “When do you go to the river?” I cannot explain why I answered him. I had no reason to. After informing him that I would leave tomorrow, he did something forbidden. He placed a small item in my hand, touching my hand briefly as he did so. But, I didn’t pull away. Something trusted him. I took the item, hid it in my fist, and ordered him again to continue on his walk. This time, he did.

The item he gave me is small, shaped like a heart, and opens to reveal a picture inside. It is a picture of two children holding hands. I haven’t stopped looking at it, and my hands still tremble as I record this. How did he know I planned to visit this river? Where did this man find a picture of children? Why would he give this to me? What made him break one of the most sacred rules to touch me? What is happening outside the city? Most urgently, why can I not bring myself to admit my sin to my supervisor? I fell asleep looking at the locket last night.

Day 6

If my loyalty was failing, it strengthened when I saw the condition of the area outside the Ring, away from our beautiful city. Today I crossed the bridge, but it took hours. The traffic was at a stop for riots on the streets. Many from the Rebellion lined up in the street wearing clothes with colors of nature on them. They chanted “Freedom isn’t in this city,” and stomped their feet. There was litter in the street and I watched in horror as the rebels joined hands to block traffic. Armed Defenders pushed them aside forcing them to let us through. In the chaos, I remembered why our Father made our rules, and I wished for my safe wall.

The river was nothing like the man had described. A short dock led to the middle of the water. I sat on it looking in the murky depth. Trash and debris floated downstream while big, noisy bugs hummed around me. It was not comparable in any way to the gardens of our Father. I’m disappointed in this trip, but I find solace in knowing that I will be able to move on from the doubt I felt on patrol. When the man with dark eyes returns to the Ring, I shall take great pleasure in ignoring his heresy and reporting him at last for his excessive use of recreation time.

Day 7

I find myself questioning everything today. From my past, to my future, I can’t decide what is real. The men who found me last night did not carry weapons or try to force information out of me. Instead, they gave me information I didn’t know I needed. They told me of the pollution in the river and how the city has been killing the wilderness for years. They showed me animals suffering from wounds inflicted by Defenders. They had a video from inside the Youth Education Facility showing children, but not how I had pictured them. These children were at play, wrestling, giggling, and hugging each other. I saw other videos too, much less rewarding to see. Videos of children learning laws, being whipped for disobedience, and older kids who were being taught not to touch as they transitioned into society.

The man with the dark eyes watched me more carefully than I had watched him. He seemed to know that I was questioning everything. He took me back to the dock on the river. He explained that he had not lied about the beauty of the river. In Father’s gardens, the rows of flowers grew in lines with colors coordinated perfectly to compliment each other. At the river, nature grew wild and free. He pointed to the bugs that helped pollinate the free flowers and how nature made patterns of its own in the brush that grew on the riverbanks.

Though I was afraid to be in the presence of the men I now recognized as the leaders of the Rebellion, I never felt as if they meant me harm. I’ve been more afraid of my own supervisor than these people. They left my quarters as quietly as they came, but I could not free myself from their words and videos. I return to my post on the wall tomorrow, but I fear I can never return to the peace I felt before this encounter. I still hear the buzzing of the bugs on the river.

Day 8

I heard of rebels throwing torches over the wall with handmade catapults. I never saw them though. My day was quiet on the outside.

My head won’t quiet down though. I wonder if Father knows of the polluted river and the animals who are suffering because of his city. I wonder if he knows of the rebels, or if he knows that they are not as scary as they sound. I wish I could talk to him about the questions my head holds. If he doesn’t know, then he isn’t the Father we think him to be. If he does, he either doesn’t care for the life outside the walls, or he doesn’t know how to fix it. I found myself pacing the wall today instead of staying at my post. My supervisor had to chastise me for it. How do you fix a perfect city?

Day 9

When he came, I knew instantly what he wanted. He stood with his companion and a small team at the base of the wall, near my post. He had on rebel clothing with words and colors across his chest. I would have recognized him as a rebel without it, but today he wanted everyone to know what he was. He had a grapple and rope. He did not ask me to step aside quietly, but I did.

When he and his team reached the top of the wall, only he stayed behind. I knew he was asking me to decide, and I knew that by questioning everything, I already had. I didn’t have colors on my shirt, but I pulled my crisp, white collar aside to reveal the heart-shaped locket that hung around my neck. He smiled, handed me rope, and we descended the wall outside the city together.

Now I know what has changed. Heading away from the wall with him, I knew that I was ready to make my own answers.