The Paths We Choose

A piercing pain snapped me awake.

“Ow.” I pressed a warm hand to my crown and massaged softly. As the world came into focus, I watched it rush by my vision. Quickly, I took in my scene. Cushioned seats sat booth style, two rows ran parallel in an old style locomotive. I peeled myself out of the lean I had been in against the window to my right. Sparsely filled, the giant beast moved along at a steady speed set on its path. I blinked the sleep from my eyes and tried to recollect our destination. Nothing came to mind. My face crinkled in concentration trying to retrace the steps I took to get here. Still nothing. I must have hit my head harder than I expected. I reexamined for any trace of blood indicating a more severe injury finding no such explanation and upon further digging, found no trace of my ticket. Weird.

A few seats in front of mine, a young couple chattered and cackled quietly. A soft murmur in her ear and she was in a fit of giggles. Shakily standing gathering my footing, I shuffled my way towards them. As I approached, I got a better view of the pair. One bright golden, the other gowned in black, they complimented each other as Yin and Yang. Her glow was apparent and her rotund belly was held firmly by both their hands.

“Excuse me, do you know where we are going? I can’t seem to remember.” Her face lifted and a bright pair of red lips responded.

“I’ve decided on a name! I think May is perfect. What do you think?” Vibrant blue spheres smiled at me.

“Oh yes um that is a beautiful name. That’s actually my name too. Uh, sorry do you happen know our destination?” This time I directed the question at the gentleman. His gaze was fixed on his partner, love filling his smile.

“That is perfect honey. May she shall be.” She beamed at him and looked back to me.

“What a coincidence that you are a May too! I’ve always loved the name.” Suddenly, her expression twisted and she gripped the seat hard.

“Ah..Ouch.” Grimacing, she moved her hand under her long jacket and when she pulled back up, blood trickled her fingers. All eyes watching widened.

“Babe?..” Voice filled with fear, the man yelled out for help and the train was a bustle. Quickly shoved to the back, I was replaced by a few of the staff. A woman pulled me from the scene to towards the next train car.

“Please, we need space.” Following her gesture to the next car, I nodded as I struggled to comprehend what was going on. Stepping through, the atmosphere changed. The condensed cabin was filled with bubbly excited squeals. A little girl bounced up and down in a seat with a balloon tied to her minuscule wrist. An elderly woman and gentleman sat across from her, their back towards me. A giant grin was plastered on her face. This cabin seemed slightly nicer than the previous. Less stains, more vibrant fabrics and a darker wood accent.

“Grandma when we get there can we please get some ice cream!?” Voice cracking at the end, she peered at one of her elders attempting to look patient.

“Chocolate I assume?” A laugh hidden behind her words, she nodded as her granddaughter bobbed her head enthusiastically. A sigh of relief escaped my chest. She knew where we were going. I trudged up to the three quickly.

“Excuse me – hi! Where are we headed?” All three scanned me and looked back at each other for a second.

“We’re getting ice cream!” The girl squealed and danced in her seat. Her grandparents, their eyes weary with exhaustion, cackled.

“I mean where is the train going? I can’t seem to remember how I got here or where we are going.” The adults turned to me with concern.

“Are you okay dear? Most people don’t just forget how they got on a train. Are you hurt?” Her weathered hand extended out to me. Just as I went to answer, the car door opened on the far end. In the entrance, another senior lady came into view with a bright scarlet scarf wrapped around her neck. This time, I knew her. But from where I could not say. As quickly as she’d came, she was gone. My feet were moving before I thought about it and I waded my way through the seated corridor. Worried calls from the three I’d just been with followed me.

“Wait please!” I dashed through the door and out into another car. This time cabin was filled much heavier traffic. Shoving through the crowd, I pursued the individual. As quick as she’d appeared, she’d disappeared. I reached a couple in a heated argument and attempted to squeeze past.

“Anthony, just listen to me!” The woman’s voice screeched.

“Then stop yelling!” Hurling insults back and forth, their pain seeped into me. I despised fights. Finally, free of the holdup, I raced down the aisle. With a sudden lurch forward, the train began to pick up speed as I ran. Glancing out the window, I could barely make out any distinct features. Passing person upon person, I felt a peculiar draw towards each. A gaggle of friends laughing so hard there was no sound. A set of figures playing a concentrated game of Go Fish. A baby, reaching up towards her mother. All seemed to wiz by. The trailing red fabric caught my eye through the surging horde.

Breaking through another entry, I was met by silence. This time, the woman was plastered at the end of the car. Her eyes were warm and her hands were clasp in front of her. Gowned in a simple snowy evening dress and a scarf, she waited patiently.

Out of breath, I reached the old woman. Her gazed fixed me in one spot. Who was she and how did I know her? Dappled skin contrasted the dark hazel globes that held me in my place. Sucking in a gasp, I desperately asked her the same question I’d repeated before.

“Please tell me what is going on! Where are we going? Who are you?” A calm smile plastered her lips and she responded softly.

“Who are you my dear?” Her words surprised me.

“I’m May. May Kyler.”

“Well hello May. And what might I ask you do for a living?” My brow furrowed in confusion.

“Um... I am a front desk receptionist...at a retirement home. Do you have a relative that lives there? Have we met before? Please help me.”

Taking a seat, the elderly woman’s demeanor showed no change. She gestured for me to join her in the booth. Exhausted, I slumped in across from her.

“You have been on a long journey and I know this must be very confusing. One more question I have for you – are you happy?” The soft voice danced around me as her words trailed off.

“Yeah of course. I have a great life and I love what I do.” The confidence I once held in my answer was waning. Her eyes squinted slightly.

“Try again.” Taken aback, I felt my lip twitch and I leaned back against my seat. Unsure of what to say, I chose my next words carefully.

“No I guess I’m not happy. I don’t care for my job. It is mentally draining with long hours and I’ve lost a lot of people I have grown to care about in the position. Anthony and I got in a huge fight last week and we’ve been not speaking. My mother is sick.” Raising her head in acceptance, she seemed to be satisfied with that answer.

“May, I am going to let you in on a bit of information that might come as a shock to you. You are not going home. Not to the home you have in your head. This train is a one-way ticket and the destination will be up to you. I am your guide. You have reached the end of this trail and this is where you must decide which path to walk now.” Tired from the adrenaline, I was not looking for metaphors, I wanted answers.

“Look lady. I am lost and I want to go home. I need to get to the driver so I can stop this stupid train and get back to my life, of which I am sure I am missing plenty of right now.”

Unphased, she held up her hand. From her pocket, she pulled an envelope. Crisp and white, it slid across the table in front of me. Glancing up, I waited for her to nod before picking it up. With trembling hands, I pealed back the flap and dumped the contents. Four photographs scattered the table and I hastened to gather them before they flew off. Picking one up daintily, I felt a surge of melancholy race through me. My sweet mother and father, both in their later 70’s, sat hand in hand in a set of lawn chairs. Father beamed at his beauty of a bride and they held up drinks towards the camera. Another, myself and my eldest brother, dancing in the rain as children. Soaked to the brim, we seemed to have no cares though our hair clung to our faces. The next, I stopped. I was gowned in white, my hair curled and my lips locked. Family stood in a frozen clap as I kissed a man I could not recognize. I peeled my eyes away and caught the old woman’s expression. Longing. The last shook in my fingers. I was in the hospital, a minuscule child draped in my arms and a different man wrapped around my shoulders. It did not make sense. I was not married. I had no children. I did not know these people.

“What are these? Lady what is going on?” I flapped the pictures at her and tossed them towards her. With light touches, she puttered through. In barely a whisper, she responded.

“Memories. Our memories. While you have not yet had them pass, I remember.”

Stillness overwhelmed the distance between us. It was only after my lungs began to ache that I realized how long I had been holding my breath.

“What?...” No words filtered out. I studied the being in front of me with a much greater eye. Familiar patterns in the movements and expressions on her face. The way her lip lifted on the right more than the left. A few freckles dotting her aged skin. Familiar – very familiar.

“You have been reliving your past life. You have passed on dear. Each person on this train has impacted your life in one way or another. The moment of your birth. The trip you enjoyed as a child. The many fights you had with your first love. All these pieces of time built your existence. Once you have come to decide how you think you lived your life, we can move forward.”

A wash of terror passed through my frame in a cold chill. Dead? I was dead. I had so much life to live. I couldn’t be dead.

“I…no no I can’t be dead. You’re lying. Get me off this train. I want to go home!” She reached out a hand and touched mine. A powerful calmness arose. I could feel how relaxed she was. She did not speak. The mutual understanding of us being each other did not need to be said out loud.

“If this is my life, why me now? I am nothing special.” How we could discuss this without it seeming mind-blowing seemed implausible.

“Time picked two distinct opposites of life. Your darkest and your happiest. To evaluate your life evenly before choosing your destination.”

Seeming to respond to her words, the train sped again. Plain white filled the windows. This must be my darkest time. I’ll admit, I was excruciatingly unhappy but maybe more than I realized.

“But isn’t what happens to you after death like…set?” My words were shaky and sigh was gently stabilizing.

“Life has always and will always be a choice. We may think destiny is set in one path but the universe has its ways to surprise us. I cannot guarantee what will happen when you walk into the conductor’s car but you know it is your choice.”

I internalized her statements for a moment before responding.

“And if I don’t go through the door?” A shrug made her scarf bounce.

“That is up to you. But you cannot go back.” I inspected the pictures, feeling that tug once more.

“It looked like a nice life.” Her solemn smile confirmed. A tear slides down her cheek.

“It was amazing. We have 3 children and 4 grand babies. We met a man we loved more than life and he followed us to the end. Though he walked this path long before me. And I, we, leave this world with very few regrets. Now it is time for our next chapter.” Standing shakily to her feet, she hobbled over to my side of the table. Her legs seemed to barely keep her up.

“Can I see my family again? Or farther into space? Or will it be just darkness?” Once more, her hand stretched to mine.

“Let’s find out.” Placing my hand in hers, a blinding light made my eyes squint.

My older self was gone and I stood facing the last door. I felt each memory as fresh as the last. Swelling in my chest was the answer I needed. I was ready.

With a certainty in my head, I knew where my path lay. As the train flew wild with an end point set, I stepped through the door and met my future.