The Organ Grinder

Hunh? What do you mean I stick out like a sore thumb?

The trope is so old, no one even thinks about it anymore. Like the sound of a needle scratch, or the sound a phone should make when it rings, only this is visual. They still put those sounds in movies, and some schmuck like me in the background, to properly set the scene. Never mind that three generations of people have never seen this in public, so they've lost the script.

Perhaps I should add a stick and bag hanging from the end of it to my wardrobe, so people might actually believe I've fallen on hard times?

What do you mean you're not buying it? Every single word I've said is true. Yes, I am quoting Weird Al. I've met him, by the way. Nice guy, but lives up to his moniker.

What about my coat?

Yes, it was quite expensive when it was bought new. It was Dad's first, and now it's mine. No, I don't know how to fix things, and certainly not fine stuff like stitching. Patches? Yeah, I can't do those. Yes, this coat has patches, what of it? Yes, I guess the stitches holding them on are very fine, what of it? I used to have a maid, you know.

So you're saying the rips would still be felt under the patch? Wht are you on about? That a thing has to be ripped before putting a patch on? That my frayed cuffs are frayed only at the seams, like someone carefully ripped them open and pulled threads out to make them look worse than they are?

I have no idea what you're on about.

Monkey maintenance?

What? I give him a banana a day. Bananas are cheap.

What? Primate cake? Balanced diet? Work regulations? SAG/AFTRA signatory? Rest breaks? It's my pet, not my business partner!

No, I don't have immunization papers! I wanted a monkey, I was given one as a pet!

Care and maintenance classes for exotic pets?

What are those?

Sure, uh, yeah, I know the difference between a capuchin and a rhesus, whatever. Doesn't matter, whatever they are.

Why are you still on this? It's a monkey. Mon. Key. It gets a banana a day for sitting there and looking sad while I turn this organ grinder, and therefore I get to eat.

Hey! Hands off the stomach, buddy!

Why yes, I am rather fat, but I do prefer the term “plump,” thank you very much. I used to eat well.

What do you mean there's no evidence I've penniless?!?

I've been on this corner for years! I've been living hand to mouth for years! What do my thick arms and plump cheeks and fat belly have to do with – with – anything? The cost of matchsticks in Antarctica? The price of ice in Nice? The crack of a track in Krakow?

What are you talking about? Of course I'm starving, I just told you so!

The organ grinder?

Well, of course it's an expensive instrument, all instruments are really...

Ugh! What is it with you? Okay, fine, there are recorders and jaw harps and spoons that are cheap! No, I didn't take lessons, why would I? I turn the crank, the pin barrel does the work. No, my parents wouldn't have been caught dead with one of these! I have a deal with a local pawn broker, okay? I rent it, we do our routine, I take it back, we split the profits.

Why don't you believe me? That's what I was told to say!

Ah, crap.

Look, you've made me blow my cover!

All right, all right! I'm a spy! Now go away before you make it worse! Yeah, yeah, I'm not poor because I've got nice clothes, a pet monkey, and a relatively pricey instrument. Blah, blah, yeah you caught me, happy now? Now please put money in the hat, nod and smile, move along, and let me get back to my real job?? Something where I don't get in trouble because some passerby is nitpicking a monetary contribution because the story doesn't seem to add up??

Didn't mention the cymbals the monkey's holding, did you? Those aren't cheap either! Yeah, that's right, just put the money in the hat, and skedaddle!

Sheesh!

Criminentlies, Exerwab, trying to fit in on this planet is harder than it looks! Tomorrow I'll wear the monkey costume, and you can be the human. I'll look into primate cake, but I'm not sure about faking the permits, so we have to come up with a better story...