The One

Memories can build or destroy. They linger and oftentimes, not showing themselves. No matter the waves they create, their mist coasts and leaves a layer of longing.

Sani stood in front of her bathroom mirror brushing her hair into a high ponytail. The soft scrapes being the only sound being made in her apartment. She found herself traveling and lost in her thoughts. The tight coils of her hair fussing against the brittles. A routine she was numb to, though her hair fought, nonetheless.

She watched her eyes in the mirror. The mirror. It reminded her of the conversation she had the night before. The thoughts from years ago lingering behind a reckoning she had not forecasted.

“Why does he affect me so much?”

He, the One who had created this visceral reaction in her spirit that gnawed at her mind. A dark wall held there, in the deep recesses that has been created over the last 25 years. That question though; caused it to shake and shimmer. The impenetrable wall that had followed her trying to dissipate. She asked herself again,

“Why does he affect me so much?”

A tremble that formed in the tip of her fingers slowly made its way up her arm. Her back spasmed. The image in the mirror shifting. She reached for the control in her body she created so long ago. The control she needed to move on with her life. The brush that was steady in her hand, fell to the sink. The loud clank only startled her for the briefest of moments.

The reflection she saw looked familiar. Not only did she see herself, but she also saw him. His eyes being hers. A mirror to her mirror. Her ghost of 25 years.

The fire inside wanted to be tamed. The anger. Loneliness. Doubt. Heartbrokenness. Existence came along and snuffed it. It carried truth to her cells. Now there was smoke in her veins. Wisps of grey clouds coated her heart. Ghosted memories presented themselves into existence beyond the black wall in her mind.

Years she spent blocking out every moment, every reaction related of him. Rejection being her driving force. She had given him something she could never give another. Yet, he chose someone else.

Silver salty tears rolled down her cheeks as she braced herself against the sink. The images forced themselves past her life made mind barrier. Moments in time shaped the desire. To find, The One. How she thought he was it. Memories, moments, shattering her mind. Recollection.

Her small soft hands invaded by a tiny plastic figure. The skin several shades lighter than hers. Its plump body covered in tiny pink clothes, mouth secured with a pacifier. Her first baby. The beginning of the molding.

Another vision pushed into her psyche displaying animated movies of princesses being found by their princes becoming her daily reality. Being young is the breeding grounds of naivety. Her mind full of fantasies imposed by romances she didn’t fully understand. It began her forever search of, The One.

Heart eyes and desires wrapped around every face of a potential mate. Love and relationships at her core. Longing embedded in every fiber of her tiny being. Puppy love feeling like the real thing. Watching movies and reading books of those who met The One in grade school and how they had their happily ever after.

Her hands gripped tighter as she locked on his eyes in the mirror. The visions coming stronger and faster. The black wall cracking with each vision that pushed past the wall.

Her walking in their classroom. Seeing him for the first time. Knowing right away. A call that sings to the soul. Making him, The One.

Many would beg to ask, is it the soul or is it the romantic course of action that was bred into her being?

It didn’t matter. Once she saw him. There was no turning back. She knew it would be him. She chose. Instead of waiting for her prince to choose her. The want driven enough to sacrifice the way she viewed the fantasy. The way she wanted her longing to play out. Touched by hope that it would be forever. When did forever become two weeks?

The encounter shaped her future. The question still ringing in her ears, “Why does he affect me so much?”

After two weeks he was gone. With another.

The years. Back and forth for years. Feeling the taste of being someone he needed, then him leaving again. Always available. Ghosted by a relationship that never was. She never knew she created a blank space. Blacked things out. Subsequently creating the ghost of his desired love following her.

She birthed a reality ghosted by a fantasy that desperately wanted to become a reality. Was he The One?

“Why does he affect me so much?”

The tears filled the sink with misery. Like a download from The All-knowing Force, it became so clear. The answer blowing up the wall completely.

“You never stopped loving him.”

She fell to her knees. Chest heaving from the brightness behind the wall. Her ghosted feelings became water in her spirit. The One or not, he was always the answer. Never really there, but always in her soul that shaped every step she took.