The Nerd Herder

Between planets aboard the USS Barclay in System D:

The Executive Officer (The XO) and The Chief Information Officer (The Chief) both took their seats on the bridge of the USS Barclay, settling in with their snacks and drinks. While the ship was under way there wasn’t much to do. The two of them could deal with any standard procedure from the comfort of their usual seats of command. The XO was technically an amalgamation of the past experience of every crew member, downloaded and compiled during her manufacture. It had the combined expertise and experience to make any decision reasonably close to what a quorum of shipmates would have chosen. It’s core rested in the most protected area of the ship; it’s location known only by a select few. Today it had chosen to represent itself with an automaton in the shape of what can only be described as a monkey bat the size of a football. He gently rustled his wings as he wiggled around, attempting to find that most elusive perfect position.

The Chief was a standard human template at some point, but then decided to become a SlugHead. They have their brain size increased by the amount necessary for the number of slugs they wished – or were allowed – to make. The new cranial surface area was where the troughs for their mind grubs were situated. Lining each trough, just within the outer lip, was a line of small, volcano shaped protuberances. A continuous, mucousy secretion would begin to thicken, then slowly grow into what was essentially a slender brain inside what looked like a slug. Its spindly leg appendages would reach down into the tiny flesh mountains, anchoring them in place, providing nutrients, and directly interfacing them with their host’s mind. SlugHeads had direct control over what each grub contained. They also had an ability to swap mind slugs, directly sharing information, experiences, memories, and even modes of thought with ease. They weren’t the prettiest thing in the universe to look at, but they made damned good intelligence officers.

After settling in, The Chief grabs a slender remote and activates the front view screen. When others were awake the screen was used to gain an overview of the conditions within the ship’s vicinity, map and estimated time to destination, and other such mundanities. When it was just the two of them it was the best interactive media viewer you could buy in the local sector. With popcorn and anticipation at hand, he switches to IGSN.

On the viewscreen TV:

Welcome to the Inter-Galactic Subspace Network.

Pervading Subspace In Your Space

A cheery announcer reads what is on the screen, then continues on, sounding like a mid-day game show host while the screen fades to a couple of logos: “Brought to you by your local Nerd Herdery. The Nerd Herders: We find a place for your misfits so you don’t have to. This broadcast was also sponsored by Vic’s Sandwich Shop and Delicatessen. Sandwiches worthy of The King (of rock, that is.)” Screen fades to black between scenes as the next show is about to begin.

A gruffy voice, one that has possibly spent too many hours in a locked office, chain smoking and sipping on aged brandy on the rocks for centuries on end, trying to solve the latest mystery, kerfuffle, or other incidents it is decided should be brought to his attention, spoke softly yet sternly as the Nerd Herder logo fades in, followed by last week’s footage. “Previously on Nerd Herder we were alerted to a possible nerd occurrence in the Provost province. As we reconnoitered the area and observed our subject, it became clear that the possible nerd occurrence solidified into a most definite probable nerd location event. That is when the local Nerd Herder is called in to intervene.

“He takes weeks to slowly insinuate himself into the subject’s life. Being a nerd himself, the Nerd Herder knows how to walk the walk and talk the talk, quickly and easily gaining the subjects confidence and respect. Once their relationship reaches a level where a public, joint outing seems appropriate, the Nerd Herder tells the target about a wonderful place he knows; that happens to have all of the specialized tools that would be needed should the target ever want to finish any of the small projects that have come up in casual conversation recently. The target quickly agrees, and they climb into the Nerd Herder’s personal transport pod. It has been upgraded and modified with all of the new, shiny official and aftermarket parts money can buy, helping to distract and disorient our target as his eyes flicker around the cabin with wonder and delight. All external signage of the local Nerd Herdery has been disguised or temporarily removed for this visitation.

“They step across the open glade that is entrance, then the Nerd Herder commences a tour of the campus. As time ticked on and on everyone’s suspicions were confirmed. This tour was inordinately long, almost breaking the planetary record for time spent gawking and awing. The tour ended in a massive performance theater. The Nerd Herder sits on the edge of the stage as his guest plops down on a front row seat just to his side. He looks at him and asks him what he thinks."

The camera and audio focus on the most-likely-a-nerd as he scrambles for the words to describe such a fantastic experience. To try to begin to imagine the mere kernel of the possibility space such a place engenders in its’ residents is mind-blowing. “The scale of this place is incredible, but to do it with such an artistic flair and natural flow is astounding. There is a certain continual congruity about it that is both pleasing and satisfying. I had never thought I could be satisfied by a room before, let alone an entire grouping of buildings. And there is still so much room for variation while still belonging.” He took a breath, looking as if preparing to continue his gush.

Then, ever so slowly a look of utter horror starts to overtake his face. The Nerd Herder drops to the floor in a casual slide to comfort the target as he drops to his knees on the floor. “There there, my man. What’s wrong? I thought everything was going swimmingly.”

“It was.” The man whispered. “I realize what this place is now.” As he proclaimed this the curtain at the back of the stage started to unfurl. A very large, colorful sign sat behind it. He couldn’t read it yet, but he knew what it would say.

“Well, then, what’s the problem?”

The man looked up at the Nerd Herder, and with the shrill of fright quaking his voice he screamed “I BELONG HERE!” Then he broke down, crying. The sign, when fully revealed, read “Welcome Home.”

The narrator breaks in “And now, on Nerd Herder.”

The XO looks over to The Chief with supreme boredom. “I’ve already seen this one, like, a hundred times. Let’s see what’s on the local channels.” The chief agrees and starts to scan through stations sorted by distance from current location...