The Name He Would Not Say

“Do you want to start where you usually start or where it hurts today.”

“It all hurts. I just pick the one that hurts loudest.”

“Which one is loud today.”

“The emptiness. The kind that makes noise even when the room is quiet.”

“What does it say when it talks.

“That I failed. That I am late to my own life. That everyone else figured out the rules and I missed the meeting.”

“When did it start using that voice.”

“After the uniform came off. After the plans stopped making sense. After the nights got longer than the days.”

“And what do you do when it speaks.”

“I argue. I numb. I distract. I tell myself tomorrow will be better if I just survive today.”

“Has tomorrow been better.”

“No. It just keeps becoming another today.”

“What do you want it to do instead.”

“I want it to stop accusing me. I want rest without guilt. I want to stop feeling like I am being graded all the time.”

“Graded by who.”

“Everyone. God. Myself. The ghost of who I was supposed to be.”

“You said God quickly and then laughed.”

“Habit. People like answers that sound holy.”

“What do you believe.”

“I believe I am tired.”

“That sounds honest.”

“Honest does not fix anything.”

“Sometimes it opens the door to what does.”

“I have tried doors. Self help. Discipline. Anger. Forgiveness workshops. Breathing. Silence. Noise. Nothing stays.”

“What are you asking for that none of those gave you.”

“To be known without having to perform.”

“To be known is a big ask.”

“I know. That is why I never say it out loud.”

“You just did.”

“That does not count. This is a room where things disappear after an hour.”

“Do they.”

“They are supposed to.”

“What if they do not.”

“Then I am in trouble.”

“Why.”

“Because if someone actually sees me and stays I will owe them something.”

“What would you owe.”

“Better behavior. Improvement. Proof.”

“Who taught you that love requires proof.”

“My father. My commanders. My mirror.”

“And what would it be like if it did not.”

“I would not trust it.”

“Why.”

“Because it would feel too easy.”

“Easy can still be true.”

“Not in my experience.”

“Your experience includes a lot of rules.”

“Rules keep things from falling apart.”

“Do they or do they just explain the mess.”

“I do not like where this is going.”

“Stay with that feeling.”

“It feels like standing on the edge of something without a railing.”

“Are you afraid of falling or of being caught.”

“I do not believe in being caught.”

“Have you ever been.”

“Once. I ruined it.”

“What happened.”

“I pushed away first. I tested how much it could take.”

“And when it did not leave.”

“I left.”

“So you have been caught.”

“For a moment.”

“What did that moment feel like.”

“Quiet. Not empty. Just quiet.”

“Like the room you said was noisy earlier.”

“Different quiet.”

“What made it different.”

“I was not alone in it.”

“You keep describing something you want but refuse to name.”

“Because naming it makes it childish.”

“Say it anyway.”

“I want someone who stays even when I am disappointing.”

“Even when you disappear.”

“Yes.”

“Even when you doubt.”

“Yes.”

“Even when you are angry.”

“Yes.”

“Even when you do not believe.”

“Yes.”

“You are describing a relationship not a technique.”

“I am bad at relationships.”

“You are wounded in them not bad at them.”

“That feels generous.”

“Generosity is not always earned.”

“There you go again.”

“Again with what.”

“Making it sound like I do not have to deserve it.”

“What if you do not.”

“Then what is the point of trying.”

“The point would change.”

“To what.”

“To responding instead of proving.”

“I do not know how to do that.”

“Most people do not at first.”

“So what do they do.”

“They listen. They talk. They show up badly and keep showing up.”

“That sounds like faith.”

“It sounds like relationship.”

“With who.”

“Who do you talk to when you are alone.”

“No one.”

“Who do you argue with.”

“God I guess.”

“You argue with someone you believe is there.”

“I argue with the idea.”

“You do not rage at ideas.”

“Do not do this.”

“Do what.”

“Turn this into religion.”

“I am not.”

“You always say that right before you do.”

“What scares you about it.”

“That I will hope again.”

“And if you hope.”

“I might be disappointed again.”

“Disappointment is not the worst thing you have survived.”

“No but it hurts differently.”

“How.”

“It feels personal.”

“What if it is.”

“Then I am not strong enough.”

“Strength is not what is being asked.”

“Then what is.”

“Trust.”

“I do not trust easily.”

“You keep coming back here.”

“Because this is controlled.”

“Because you want help.”

“Because I am desperate.”

“Desperation can be a beginning.”

“You are very calm about this.”

“I have watched people try everything else first.”

“Are you saying I have not tried hard enough.”

“I am saying you have tried alone.”

“So what are you suggesting.”

“That you stop treating this like a problem to solve.”

“And treat it like what.”

“A relationship to enter.”

“With an invisible therapist.”

“With someone who already knows everything you are afraid to say.”

“That is not fair.”

“Why.”

“Because if that were true He would have left by now.”

“What if leaving is not what He does.”

“You are using a pronoun.”

“You noticed.”

“So this is the part where you tell me to pray.”

“This is the part where I tell you you already have.”

“When.”

“Every time you asked for rest. Every time you said you could not do this alone. Every time you whispered why at the ceiling.”

“That was not prayer.”

“It was honest.”

“So who have I been talking to.”

“The same one who stayed quiet when you needed quiet and loud when you needed truth.”

“You are talking about Jesus.”

“Yes.”

“You waited until the end.”

“You were not ready at the beginning.”

“So now what.”

“Now you decide whether you want to know Him or just keep arguing with the idea of Him.”

“And if I say yes.”

“Then you start where you are not where you think you should be.”

“And if I fail again.”

“You will.”

“And He stays.”

“He already has.”