The Moment To Change

Clara walked into the building. It was the same building as before, only different. The floors were linoleum this time, and echoed each step. Everything seemed familiar, yet different, as Clara ventured through the atrium.

She knew what she was looking for. She could feel it in the air, like a sensation pulling her towards it. It wasn’t upstairs, like last time. It was there on the ground floor, at the back of the building. At the back of the building, the office walls were made glass, and there were no windows to the outside world on the outer walls.

The machine was still on. Abandoned desks and computer chairs were sparsely dotted around it. The machine gave off a glow of red. The air around it was exciting and tingled the skin. Clara stood, for what felt like an hour, and looked longingly at the machine.

“I have been waiting for you to return.” The voice echoed from behind. “I wondered if you found what you were looking for. Tell me, where did you go, what did you change?”

The voice belonged to a familiar person. The machine’s inventor, Anna. Clara did not look away from the machine. If Anna wanted her arrested for trespassing, she could. Clara knew this and did not care.

“Does anything ever really change? Is it even possible?” Clara spoke, with a numbness to her soul.

“I have changed many things in my life, for the better. But the more I used it, the harder it became to keep things straight. I remember all of my lives that I have lived. To be honest, the thought of reliving it again, and making sure I make the right choices to still end up here, is a dreadful notion to me now.

“However, I am forever tied to this machine. It will remain on for as long as I live now. Every time it is used by another, my conscious mind is sent back as well. While I hate the idea of doing it again, like when you broke in here the last time, on this day, I will let you. You don't look like you got out of it what you went looking for.?

Clara did not flinch. Anna had approached close enough to see any muscle twitch in her face. Clara could feel her examining for her response. But she remained statuesque and devoid. She wanted to break down and cry, but hadn’t the energy for it.

The machine could send Clara back, to any point in her own history, just like before. She’d occupy her own mind. She’d be herself as she was, but with the memories of everything since, as in from her former future. It was what happened to her the last time she was here.

Only last time, she broke into the building. She was chased by security guards, and Anna too. She managed to set the date and dove into the machine before she was caught. Clara always knew the exact moment she wanted to change.

“I could give you last weeks lottery numbers, and send you back to the day before. You could win the jackpot and make a new life for yourself—here in the now.” Anna’s offer seemed genuine.

“I tried to change one night.” Clara finally broke her own stern silence. “I didn’t want to make the same mistake. I tried to say no to the party invite. But being a teenager again, I just... I crumbled. I crumbled under the pressure to go. All that anguish, guilt, stomach knots and fear of upsetting my friend who wanted to go with me.

“So I thought, if I changed my attitude, acted rude, and refused to drink, if I avoided… I thought, I could escape it. But they still sat behind me on the stairs. They still wrapped their arms around me.

I still hear all of their laughter as they held that bottle to my lips and poured… I was rude, just trying to push them away, so I wouldn’t make the same dumb mistake. They wanted to cheer me up...

“Only this time, I hadn't drank enough to black out… So this time, I remembered what those boys did to me. I still have what I remember from the first time around too. Nothing changed, I still messed up. Only now I have to remember more of it.” Clara's tear streamed from her unwhimpering eyes.

Anna approached closer to her. She placed her hand on Clara’s upper back and guided her to a chair and sat down with her.

“I see. With this time machine, you can only make choices for yourself on your own redo. You can’t control how others will react or respond. It’s the same for the here and now.

“You did nothing wrong. You partied, you drank, so what? You are not to blame for their actions.”

Anna handed Clara a tissue. The pair sat for the rest of the night. Clara opened up about what happened, both times. It was the first time she had ever spoken about it fully. Anna sat and listened. Anna was reassuring, and for the first time in a long time, Clara felt safe.