The Microwave Knight

There weren't always dragons in the Valley. The locals once claimed the area was an unexplored paradise that few risked entering due to an abundance of vicious wildlife, insects, and poisonous plants.

However, the dragons consumed all that in fire, leaving the valley scorched long ago in emerald fire. This flame is so powerful that not even water could exhaust its heat. But unlike other fires, emerald fire only burns for a day and leaves the soil full of nutrients and allegedly magic that causes the foliage of sprouting plant life to appear blue.

How did I even enter this world? Last week I remembered entering a stable wormhole on the starship Mezekiel which was supposed to take our crew near the rebellious Orthoxida system. Instead, I awoke to screams of horror from myself and my fellow crew mates—138 strong—hurtling from the sky towards certain death.

I used what little skydiving experience I had gained in training over Earth, Mars, and Saturn’s moon Titan in an attempt to navigate myself towards what appeared to be a lake. The atmosphere here was about as thick as Titan’s—about four Earthen atmospheres—so I hastily reasoned I could somehow slow down and maybe survive crashing near the shoreline.

When I realized I was falling far faster than I anticipated, I joined my fellow crew members in uttering high-pitched screams of terror as I knew I was about to die an unexplainable death. Or at least I was supposed to as I suddenly felt an updraft of air surrounding me, slowing me down and violating the laws of physics, momentum, and everything I was taught in the UNE.

I was more or less guided towards a large boat and gently placed into what appeared to be a fishing cage—guarded by a tall, dark woman with pointy ears and a glowing spear.

“Your high-pitched screams ruined my chance at eating breakfast!” the tall, dark woman yelled at me. “How will you compensate me for my loss this morning?”

I was shocked that this humanoid woman—who was not human yet had human-like features—could speak English. Despite exploring one third of the Milkyway Galaxy, humanity had never encountered another life form on any world—let alone an intelligent one.

Apparently my delay in answering her was angering her so she then pointed her ominous, glowing spear at me and began shouting at me in an unintelligible language before shouting at me in English again.

“Are you going to answer me, or should I kill you here and cast your body into the acidic lake? No one will discover your body as the water and fish devour your carcass in the depths.”

“The water is acidic?” I replied. “But why would you fish upon an acidic lake?”

She laughed at me and replied, “Because that is where the spicy Glovick fish live, and they are my favorite food for breakfast! Speaking of which, how are you going to compensate me? If you do not have an answer, then I will thrust my spear into you and cast your carcass into the water!”

“I do not have any money on me!” I desperately replied. “But maybe I can work off my debt to you somehow if you would spare my life!”

The tall, dark woman smiled at me, revealing her glistening white teeth before replying, “That arrangement will work. Here, put on this collar.”

I suddenly felt the wind again, and I saw a collar floating toward me. At that moment, I realized she was controlling the air around us and was the one who ultimately saved me from certain death.

“Put this collar around your neck. You will then clasp your hands together and repeat after me. Refuse and—”

“Yes, I know!” I angrily replied. “If I refuse, you will cast me into the acidic lake. Correct?”

“You are a fast learner.” She replied. “Unlike those other UNE fools who randomly fall out of the sky before.”

“You know about the UNE?” I replied in surprise.

“Of course I do. Everyone around here does. How do you think I can speak your language? It’s called Anglish, right?”

“It’s called English, not Anglish!” I said while nervously laughing out loud at her calling my language Anglish—until her glowing spear was near the left side of my head, across from the floating collar, which was near my right shoulder.

“Are you mocking me?” She replied angrily. “You owe me breakfast and your life as I could have easily ignored your pathetic screams and watched you dissolve in the water for my amusement. Perhaps I should thrust my spear into you and—”

“That will not be necessary!” I quickly replied while grabbing the collar with both hands and placing it around my neck. “What was it that you wanted me to utter again?”

She glared at me in silence, and I returned her glare by nervously staring into her dark brown eyes.

“You courage staring into my eyes, skyfaller.” She replied. “Are you challenging me right now?”

“I apologize, but it's my custom to look everyone in their eyes. But If it offends you, I will look away.”

She glared at me again before asking, “What is your name, skyfaller? And if you lie to me, the collar will reveal that later on when I ask you, making your future punishment all the more severe.”

“My name is Denzel Omobowale Jefferson!” I replied in haste. What is yo—”

“Repeat after me, Denzel Omobowale Jefferson!” She shouted! “Also, make sure your hands are clasped together as if you are prazing.”

“Don’t you mean praying?” I replied.

“Are you mocking me again skyfaller‽” she yelled at me. “Because if you are then—”

“How about I finish uttering whatever you desire me to say so that I can begin paying off my debt to you?”

She glared at me again, perhaps annoyed that I kept interrupting her. I did not know what she was thinking, but given my limited options, I did not want to enrage her as I did not want to die—at least not before fulfilling the mission assigned to me by the UNE.

I clasped my hands together and looked into her dark brown eyes again, which put her at ease.

“Repeat after me, skyfaller.” She said with what appeared to be a childlike smirk. “I, Denzel Omobowale Jefferson, vow to serve Kiatrina, daughter of Mazelkina, until I repay my life debt to her and offer a delicious meal made by my own hands.”

I was dumbfounded into silence by the words Kiatrina wanted me to repeat. This was probably the stupidest vow I have ever heard in my life, & I was already regretting giving her my real name, something the UNE warned against when captured by enemies of the alliance.

Kiatrina was becoming annoyed with my silence and probably the dumbstruck look on my face. “Well, skyfaller, are you going to utter the words as instructed, or shall I thrust my spear into—”

“I, Denzel Omobowale Jefferson, vow to serve Kiatrina, daughter of Mazelkina, until I repay my life debt to her and offer a delicious meal made by my own hands.” I quickly uttered.

Suddenly, the collar around my neck started glowing & I felt an enormous amount of pain—as if I was being jolted by electricity all over my body which was now paralyzing me. But as swiftly as the pain came, it suddenly left & when I regained my senses, Kiatrina was laughing at me hysterically.

“I never thought you would put on the bond collar Denzel!” Kiatrina said while laughing at me. “You must be hungry. How about we share a meal of Glovick fish for breakfast?”

At that moment, I realized that I had been tricked into wearing this bond collar & I shouted at her, “So your threats of death were nothing but a farce to force me to wear this bond collar? So what am I your slave now?”

Kiatrina looked at me in surprise, then smiled before saying, “Slavery is illegal in the land of Medeznia.” She went further to explain, “But if someone owes a life debt, then they are required to repay that debt by fulfilling a dangerous quest alongside the one who saved them.”

“Oh, is that it?” I scowled back. “I think I would almost prefer jumping into this acidic lake. Also, why are you the only one on this boat? Do you not fear being sprayed by acidic water?”

Kiatrina laughed out loud. “To answer your first question, I can also include at the most three daily obligations as long as you are fairly compensated for them.”

I shuddered at what “obligations” Kiatrina would have for me. I imagined that she would put me on latrine duty, something I had to do while stationed on Earth in the deserts of the Sahara.

“As far as the acid goes, I have a gentle breeze that swirls around my boat that prevents acidic droplets from reaching me. Sadly everyone from the town is too scared to go fishing with me, even though they enjoy buying the fish. Even Orthoxida soldiers pay me a large sum of money for my Glovick fish.”

I was shocked to hear the name Orthoxida, which the UNE assigned me to infiltrate & if possible, disarm.

“What do you know about Orthoxida? Is there a way we can visit Orthoxida now?” I quickly asked Kiatrina. “I have some business to attend to there & I would like to arrive there as soon as possible.”

“You are already inside the Orthoxida Empire, Denzel,” Kiatrina said while rolling her eyes. “However, if you want to reach the capital city, which is called Orthoxida Primezel, then you need to become a magic user, which you are not.”

“How then do I become a magic user, Kiatrina?”

I already imagined all sorts of powers I could acquire in this new world.

“You have to obtain various rainbow fruits only available in blue dragon forests,” Kiatrina explained. “The rainbow fruits contain magical powers. But eating rainbow fruit by itself will not grant you magical powers, as you have to crush the fruit & mix it with the yoke of a dragon egg. You then cook the entire meal over discarded dragon scales heated up by emerald fire.”

“How does one acquire emerald fire?” I asked.

“We will go over more details after eating some Glovick fish—which I remind you we have very few of, thanks to your screeching earlier,” Kiatrina said mockingly. “Did they teach you that at the UNE? What does the UNE stand for? The Unity of Natural Earthlings?”

“UNE stands for the United Nations of Earth!” I retorted back. “Besides, how do you know about the UNE? How many others have entered this area before me?”

Kiatrina had a sad look on her face. “I am not sure about the exact numbers, but we usually find their bodies all over the forest here. You were fortunate enough to fall near me, as the only ones who survive the skyfall are those who encounter wind welders like me.”

I sat in silence for a while, partially shocked at how close I came to death and partially grieving over my fellow crew mates, who all likely perished. Kiatrina, meanwhile, used her wind magic to unfurl the sails & move the ship towards the shore.

Kiatrina handed me part of a raw Glovick fish & began consuming her much larger portion.

“You eat this raw‽” I said with a stunning look on my face.

“Of course,” said Kiatrina. “If you cook them with fire, they lose their spicy flavor. But do not worry, as the acidic water that Glovick fish swims in keeps the fish from spoiling up to 8 days after being killed. Unlike other meats, there is no need to cook Glovick fish.”

“Well, I wish I had a microwave to heat it,” I replied.

“What is a microwave? Is it a magical ability or weapon?” Asked Kiatrina.

“No, it’s a device that uses radiation to heat food without the need for fire,” I replied.

Kiatrina gave me a puzzled look. “What’s radiation? Also, could you use this microwave to heat metals, animals, or people?”

“Why would you do that‽” I exclaimed in horror.

“Well, can it? If so, it would be useful in heating tools, food & enemies, especially while they are alive!”

Kiatrina had a devilish grin on her face. She then stared at me & asked, “Are you going to eat that microwave man?”

During this fiasco, I had forgotten how hungry I was & against my better judgment, I decided to bite into the tiny portion of Glovick fish that Kiatrina had given me. My tongue instantly regretted it as I felt like I was eating a meaty version of a Martian ghost pepper.

Kiatrina laughed at me until she saw I was about to vomit & commanded, “Do not throw up on my ship!”

The bond collar instantly lit up & I immediately braced myself for a new dosage of electricity to punish my body. Instead, I felt a numbing of my tongue, which allowed me to finish chewing the piece of Glovick fish in my mouth & swallow it without further issue.

I was confused by what had happened. However, Kiatrina, seeing the perplexed look on my face, explained, “The bond collar only punishes your body if you attempt to avoid fulfilling your life debt. Aside from that, it will help you complete any task I command you as long as it is reasonable and honorable.”

I was about to ask another question when the boat stopped at what appeared to be a dock. Waiting for us were two individuals who shouted at Kiatrina in a language that I did not understand.

The two individuals appeared to be of the same species as Kiatrina & the only differences between the three humanoids was that one of them (who looked like a female) had green skin while the male looking humanoid boasted red skin.

After securing the boat, Kiatrina leaped upon the dock. She pointed to me to stand next to her on the pier (which I did reluctantly) & Kiatrina then began speaking in an unintelligible language before asking me a simple question.

“Are you a knight, Denzel?”

“No, I am a soldier of the UNE,” I replied.

“But you fight for the UNE empire, correct?”

“Yes, but the UNE is a democratic republic, not an empire,” I said, correcting Kiatrina.

Even though my government is called the United Nations of Earth, the UNE rules many inhabited star systems throughout the Milkyway Galaxy. There has been much debate about changing the name, but the name is so ingrained within the various cultures of humanity that people have ceased debating the need to change it.

It’s like how my homeworld’s moon is still nameless despite numerous attempts to grant Earth’s natural satellite an official name. Ironically it’s still the only terrestrial object without a name.

“Hey Denzel, are you even listening to me‽” Kiatrina shouted. “I can not register you as a soldier with the Quest Guild, as that would result in you being imprisoned by the Orthoxida empire.”

Kiatrina then had another devilish grin on her face. “Instead, I will register you as a knight, which are armed individuals who go on quests & fight for money.”

“We call those people mercenaries,” I said in disgust. “And I do not just fight for money!”

Kiatrina rolled her eyes, “Well, you need to earn a living somehow, so I will register you as a knight who is a part of our group. We need at least four people in our group to register with the Quest Guild officially, & lucky for you, I am feeling generous today. Now I need to come up with a descriptive title that sounds powerful—yet is also mysterious.”

“Why do I need a title?” I asked. “Why can I just call myself a simple knight?”

“That is not how things work around here, Denzel,” Kiatrina replied. “We will register your title as ‘The Microwave Knight,’ which might help us quickly obtain permits to enter the blue dragon forest.”

The two individuals next to Kiatrina stared at me with a grin & said something to me in their native language, which I did not understand, except for one word spoken in English—Microwave.

—————————

That was a week ago & now I am about to risk my life to enter the blue dragon forest filled with magical rainbow fruit & unkillable dragons to obtain magical powers to enter Orthoxida Primezel.

I also need to remove this silly bond collar from my neck as Kiatrina keeps ordering me to assist her in fishing for Glovick fish and give her foot massages without puking (she needs to wash her feet first!).

If, by some unscientific miracle, I survive this magical world, I will retire from the UNE & build myself a small habitat on Jupiter’s moon Callisto. But for now, I need to figure out a strategy that allows our group—known as Kiatrina’s Microwaveable Knights (the name is as awful as this woman’s ego!)—to enter & exit unscathed.

Yes, Kiatrina ordered me to do this while she went fishing by herself. It has only been a week & I already hate this world.