The McMurphey Hearing

Faking my death was going to be the easy part. To quote my favorite band, please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth and taste.

My name is Luis McMurphey, and I’m the world’s greatest psychic and most amazing man to grace Earth in history. The only person to disagree was my horrible wife, and this was the sixth day of the hearing.

I made special note of today because until now, I’ve been able to predict every move everyone has been making. Every word that comes out of their mouth was already in my mind days before. I’m psychic, so naturally I was used to knowing everything. At least I was until this morning. I’ve been struggling to see the outcome of the trial, and it’s been driving me insane. I’ve always had the ability to read the future, but details would become fuzzy under stress. All I knew for sure was that my wife was going to try to kill me, and I needed to let her think she succeeded.

I could speculate more as to why my abilities had been dampened, but that seemed unnecessary. I might have hired a psychologist to help fix me, but logically I knew that nobody can predict everything in the future, even a psychic as great as myself. I’m just tired and can barely see what’s right in front of me, but there were pills I could take for that. I’d go see a shrink just for a prescription, but they’d ask me to come back several times for a proper analysis before they prescribed me anything. I didn’t want to waste time going to multiple appointments when I had a hearing to focus on.

If there’s one thing I learned for certain, the future is only temporary. If you can constantly see it and always know it then it can be changed, and your prediction becomes inaccurate.

I got bored easily, and sometimes just for fun, I’d go to other psychics and do something to change their predictions. It would drive them crazy. They would predict one of their clients would win the lottery, so I’d use my abilities to see where there client was and stop them from buying a ticket or give them a bogus ‘good luck’ number. Their clients would barge into their offices demanding refunds, claiming the psychics were overcharging them for their phony psychic services. This was the most hilarious prank a psychic could play on another soothsayer.

But as amazing as my talents were, I still couldn’t see the future in times of abundant stress. I just hoped all my visions before the hearing remained accurate.

The reason for the hearing, as you probably predicted, is because my wife had decided to divorce me, the greatest man alive. And I was the best husband ever, predicting her every need before she needed it. Did I always appease her needs? No, but at least I knew what they were.

At first I was surprised that my wonderful, soon to be ex-wife said she wanted to get divorced. Even psychics can be blinded by love. I had never really thought about getting one, and this was the second time in my life I had not seen a major life-changing event coming. The first time was the earthquake four years ago that shattered my leg, but at least I saw myself dropping a glass of Merlot. I saw a sign of the quake and chose to ignore the vision because I was busy fishing and drinking beer on my friend’s yacht.

Just like how I ignored the visions about Jane. So when she told me she wanted nothing more to do with me, I had ask why.

She said I was boring, sarcastic and getting fat. I still thought we were madly in love. But love is a lie, and I deceived myself.

"Luis!" the judge shouted and snapped his fingers a second time. The first time he did this I was in my head, attempting to see what he would say next. He had been talking while tapping his fingers, which had been getting on my nerves. I don't think anyone else noticed because he was tapping his fingers behind his desk. I was the only one who knew what he was doing, because I had sensitive hearing and this triggered a vision of him rhythmically moving his fingers across his table, again and again. It was making me crazy. The impatient jerk was a real piece of garbage. I wanted to sock him in his ugly face. I had a good right hook, too. They’d have to sew his jaw back together. He was always patient with my wife, though. This was infuriating, and if I lost control it would not be good for my outcome.

My hearing was something else that was bothering me. It was already sensitive before this happened, now it was getting worse. The light tapping of his fingers sounded like the heavy thudding of a horse. I’d twice asked for a break to grab some aspirin, but Judge Jerkoff said no.

"Luis!" the judge repeated again. He was getting louder,

“I’m having a hard time concentrating, sir. Maybe it’s the shrill sound of your voice,” I said and smiled.

“Another comment like that, I’ll hold you in contempt,” he said.

“Sorry, sir,” I said but couldn’t get the smug grin off my face.

“And wipe that smug grin off your face and….”

I interrupted… "Pay attention? Yes, your honor, I’m trying. I’m just

distracted by your tapping fingers. If you could just stop tapping," I said.

The judge should know what was on my mind, and I didn’t care if it offended him. He was taking the side my putrid wife.

I started to suspect a possible affair when I had a vision of them going into the movies together. I had no hard evidence though, so I couldn’t legally ask the judge to recuse himself. I should have followed them in and recorded them together.

Who knows how he got away with it. It certainly wouldn’t be legal for him to precede over the trial if he was seen by someone at the movies, like me, who actually had a camera and knew my wife was a plaintiff. I had tried to report him on several occasions to the bar association and several other legal ethics committees, but they all ignored me. He was the one with a smug look on his face, not me. He kept bringing up the most aggravating facts, like I had no prenup so I owed the ex half my things or that having the only income meant alimony payments to her that she didn’t even need. She had plenty of income from her art gallery and a trust fund worth hundreds of millions. It really boiled my blood. But it made wife happy as hell.

It did make me smile that the judge was shocked and mildly irritated that I had heard him tapping.

"How did you…” the judge paused, thinking carefully before speaking again. “Let’s just get back to work!" the judge said and then mumbled something.

"Do you have any children, Ms. McMurphey?" The Judge asked my soon to be ex-wife, like he didn’t already know. He’d been dating her since the proceedings had started, the prick.

“No sir, and I’ll be going to go back to my maiden name,” Jane said.

Not that there was anything wrong with keeping my name, but she was just trying to irk me. I was always so good to her, too, and wondered how she could do this to me. I never said a mean word to her, I was always buying her gifts, and I gave her my heart. At least until she took me to court, then everything changed. I felt myself becoming spiteful and bitter, feelings I’d never experienced before. I couldn’t understand why she hated me so much.

"No," Jane answered a question I wasn’t paying attention to. Something in the tone of her voice had triggered a flash and I saw that if we had stayed together for another six years we would have had four children, two sets of twins. Quite adorable little tots, except the one that had looked like my wife. He wasn’t even going to be born, but I already hated him.

If we had those children, she would have been a miserable person. Much more noticeable in the future then before the divorce. Something sinister had changed her entire personality, and I wish I could fix it. I desperately wanted my old Jane back.

She was resenting every second she had to spend with the children, and with me. I then saw myself walking in on her with some fat, disgusting pig. It wasn’t the judge, though, but some other clown. This had disgusted and repulsed me to my core. Perhaps it’s better we didn’t stay married. There was no happy ending for me and her.

Better to get divorced now then to walk in on her with that fat, disgusting oily haired sloth she was with. I’d end up pouring gasoline on him and lighting him up, then going to jail. She wasn’t worth it. But it did give me some comfort knowing she wouldn’t be with any man forever. She had become an unemotional, sociopathic sex addict and whatever problems she was having I had nothing to do with. I just hoped I could get a better hearing from a different judge when I eventually filed suit.

The judge banged his gavel. "Here’s my ruling, so pay attention. Fifteen thousand a month for three months goes to Jane to support the lifestyle she’s accustomed too. That should give her time to get back on her feet. Let’s take a recess, see you tomorrow,” he said.

Nothing that came out of that filthy hole he called mouth was true. Lifestyle my ass, she had plenty of money.

I heard his gavel slam twice in my head before it happened. In addition to happening less, my predictions were getting less significant. I definitely needed a psychologist. I’d make an appointment tonight, get some medication to put me at ease. I should also get some sleep, considering the hearings toll on my energy levels.

I walked out of the courthouse slowly. Why should I pay fifteen thousand a month? And how could I afford it, now that the royalties from my book had ceased because my publisher declared bankruptcy.

But if my publisher couldn’t sell my book, the best book ever written, then they deserved to go bankrupt. I would just have to bring in more clients for readings, at least I could still give a good cold reading even if my abilities weren’t exactly intact. I could barely afford to support myself after mostly burning through my savings, but a few good cold readings to some rich clients, and I’d be right back on track. I tried to explain to the judge I just needed a little more time to gather the money, but being a pompous piece of crap who’s sleeping with my wife, he refused to listen.

Right after leaving I saw the judge walking out. I began to walk up to him, planning on telling him off, then I saw the oily haired man from my vision approach him. Maybe it was a useful vision after all. I walked up to him anyway, just hoping the man wasn’t his body guard.

“Excuse me, your honor… but…”

“Luis, how are you doing? Sorry about the payments, but I thought they were only fair give the length of your marriage,” the creep said.

“That’s ok. Who’s your friend?” I asked and smiled, wanting to know who the oily haired man was.

“Really? Well, let me introduce you to my brother, Frank. He’s my ride home today…” he said.

I nodded and extended my hand.

“Hello Frank, so nice to finally meet you. By the way, your honor, your ‘brother’ is sleeping with my ex to, just so you know. Oh, and I slept with her first, and I’ve had better,” I said and smiled.

“What’s he talking about, Frank…” the judge asked and I turned around to walk away. I felt a little better about the lifestyle payments, knowing she wasn’t sharing any of them with him, not anymore.

I saw Jane walking down the hall. Maybe I could ask her a few questions, and try to understand why she wanted rid of me so bad. I wanted to know why she cheated, why I made her so miserable. I still couldn’t understand why or how anybody could be so cold to the person who they had professed to love. And it’s not like I didn’t try to keep her happy.

"Jane, can we speak? Do you have a moment?"

"Oh, Luis, I'm glad you stopped me. I want to talk to you, too," Jane said.

Crap, I thought. This meant she wanted to verbally abuse me or ask me for another unreasonable favor.

"What now?" I said and sighed.

"I was thinking about our marriage. We were young and impulsive when we started dating. I’m sorry things had to happen this way,” she said.

“Is that why you want a divorce? Because we were young and impulsive?” I asked.

“Look, I just want to enjoy a few more years of being single. I was feeling… cramped, stuck. I’m sorry, darling. I really must be going now," She said. That was a poor excuse to ruin a relationship.

She gave me a kiss then walked off. That’s the first time she had kissed me in a year. I couldn’t even enjoy it, wondering where else those lips had been.

As she was walking, Jane’s voice echoed down the hall, “I’d like to talk more about this later, and you can tell me what you wanted.”

“That’d be great, but you already answered my question,” I said.

I had gone home that night and tried to get to sleep early. I was feeling depressed and defeated, two more feelings I wasn’t used too.

I wondered, ‘why be depressed?’ None of this is was my fault. My wife was the tramp who cheated. It was time to go out to my former favorite restaurant. It was the one I had used to go to with Jane, I felt like going for old times’ sake.

I drove to Red Crab. I ordered mashed potatoes and corn, then kept ordering drinks until I was nauseous. I paid the bill, then got irate with the waiter when he asked why I didn’t leave a tip. I demanded a cab and left. I was able to slur my address enough times for the driver to finally hear me, then he drove me back home.

I finally arrived at my building, but I stammered around until I could find the right apartment to stick my key into. I sat down in my favorite chair and had dozed off several times before I eventually sobered enough to want to go back to the restaurant to get my car, so I could take it to court in the morning. I didn’t want to take another cab back, so I decided to jog there. It took me twenty eight minutes to get to my car.

I drove home and started feeling bad for the waiter. I decided to go back in the restaurant again to apologize to the waiter and leave him a tip. I put my shoes on and was about to leave my apartment when the door swung open and Jane walked in. I really wish she hadn’t come over, I didn’t want her to see me so disheveled. I was still mildly hung over and had food and wine stains all over my clothes.

"Sorry, I still have my spare key. I’ll be out of your way soon, I just forgot some stuff," she said.

"I was wondering why you didn’t knock,” I said angrily. I took a breath before speaking again.

“Whatever I didn’t burn is in the closet. I was just going to Red Crab, I forgot something there," I said.

Despite my angry tone, Jane remained eerily calm and caught me off guard.

"The seafood place, you mean our old stomping grounds?” She asked. I nodded.

“Yah, that’s the one,” I said. I wanted to insult her, but bit my tongue. Maybe that’s why she hated me, I was too much of a coward to stand up to her. Some people saw that as a sign of weakness, I saw it as a sign of respect.

“That's our favorite place. Or, at least, it was. Listen, I'm sorry this whole thing had to happen. I’m just going through life changes,” She said.

“Yah, me to, you cheating whore. Get your cloths and get out,” I said. I’d finally lost it.

“How dare you. What the hell are you talking about?” she asked.

“You know what I’m talking about. I know your screwing the judge to swindle money from me. And who knows how many other guys you screwed while we were married, and I was in denial. I was too blind to see your true colors,” I said, grinding my teeth.

She sighed.

“Look, just calm down. You get paranoid when you’re angry, I never cheated when we were married. I was too worried you’d have a vision and divorce me before our prenup expired. We need to talk. I’d love just to have one last cordial conversation with you. You know, like the ones we used to have when we were kids. For old times’ sake. Please,” she said. I took a deep breath.

“Maybe. This is your last favor though. You know damn well I was the best thing to ever happen to you. There’s no replacing me,” I said.

“Take another breath. I'll meet you at the restaurant in a few minutes, alright."

'Oh great' I thought. She's meeting me there.

“Yah, I’d like to meet you there to,” I said, but only to tell her how much I hated her, and what a terrible person she was. I was getting a strange feeling, maybe tonight is the night she’s going to try and kill me.

It’s funny, at first I wanted to know why she left, I actually cared. I had become so resentful of her the fiery rage I felt in my stomach had now reached the deepest, darkest pits of hell.

The worst part was the mind games she thought she could play with me. Causally inviting me to our old favorite place like nothing had happened, and she expected me to remain un-suspicious. I’m the psychic, not her. I should be playing mind games with her, blackmailing her with all the secrets I had known. And just like that, a vision. She was going to try and kill me tonight, but how?

Because of her, all I had from my old life was a rundown blue piece of garbage car with a broken air conditioning. She got my brand new Porsche 911 turbo with the popcorn seats.

That was my favorite thing her lawyers took. The car I was left with was an old pile of junk. How was I supposed to move on and find a new girlfriend without my Porsche? She’d taken the last of my dignity with the car, all that cheating liar cared about was my money. I headed to the restaurant in my pile of garbage with wheels. While driving there, I was thinking of ways I could humiliate my wife and was surprised with all the genius ideas I came up with. The spiteful old witch deserved them all, it’s a shame I could only choose one.

I got to the Restaurant, explained to the host I wanted to apologize for earlier and asked the waiter.

“Sorry, kid. It’s been a bad week,” I said and gave him a ten dollar tip.

“Thanks. Customers don’t usually apologize. You’re one of the first,” he said in a squeaky voice.

I was about to ask the host for a seat, then I noticed Jane already had a table for us. She was probably using the money I’d given her as a way to pay the host for a seat. This place was packed and I couldn’t imagine how else she’d get a table so fast.

I walked over to the table and sat down. We went through the formalities and asked how we were doing, even though we knew damn well how we were doing.

Jane then started talking about the prospect of getting back together, and I started to laugh.

“You’ve got to be kidding. After what you put me through? You’ve taken everything from me, my house, my car, my money. Why would I even consider getting back together with you?” I asked.

“It’s possible I’d give it back. Maybe I just needed a break from you, and your constant, predictions about me. They were getting old and obnoxious. Maybe I wanted a little privacy, and didn’t wanted you to always knowing everything I did all the time.”

Before she had finished her rant about how selfish and annoying she thought I was, I got dizzy and the man at the next table started bleeding profusely.

"Somebody help!!!" A women screamed. The man sitting next to me looked awfully familiar, then fell flat on the table, shattering an empty glass of wine with his face. Then the bleeding stopped and everything started going backwards.

When it stopped I realized it was a vision. I knew I had to switch out the wine, she’d poisoned it and left it on the table for me to drink. Nobody was in a panic, and the woman next to me was sitting in her seat quietly.

“Excuse me a minute,” I said and acted like I was heading towards the restroom. When I was out of site from Jane, I snuck over to the bar and ordered another glass of red wine.

I went back to the table, ready to act like I was feeling sick and hadn’t seen this coming. I’d been complaining to the judge that my visions weren’t working, so Jane would think I was an easy target. She hadn’t realized how many visions I’d had before the trial, and that my powers were slowly coming back.

“Hey, Jane. I had my first vision in a while, and it was about tonight. It seems to be a little off though. I wonder why was the woman in the blue dress is one table closer than in my vision? I had seen her two tables down,” I said. I put a tissue over my nose and pretended like I was wiping it clean, but I was trying to make it bleed. That’s what the poison would have done.

"Luis, are you feeling okay? Your nose is bleeding. What’s wrong? Not another one of those ridiculous visions of yours? You know they haven’t been right, lately," Jane asked, and started laughing manically.

I started to talk and acted like my throat got dry. I became more irate then I usually was.

"Yes, Jane, dear. That man sitting behind us had a nose bleed, and he and he fell down and died. Then the woman starting screaming for help," I said.

"I don’t think it was the woman next to us that screamed," Jane said.

"Why?" I asked, pretending to be frightened and curious.

"Because there's no man sitting next to her," Jane said.

"Oh, yes there..." I stopped short of breath, feigning shock.

“There’s really no man next to her,” I said and let my eyes widen.

I pushed on my nose a little to make start the bleeding again.

“The hairs went up my neck. How did you trick me? My eyes are starting to get fuzzy and I heard Jane yell, "Oh my god, somebody help!"

I looked at my glass of wine, still half full, not empty like in the vision. I still drank enough to trick Jane.

Now to complete the vision. I fell face first on the table, and had used what my insidious wife thought was my last breath and asked, "It was you who poisoned…eh…The wine, wasn’t it? Why do you hate me so?" I asked.

I continued to pretend to fade away. I started to moan, then she leaned in and whispered, “Because, you insignificant little bug, you’re a petty, noisy, selfish arrogant narcissist. And a real prick. I’ve regretted getting married to you since the day after the wedding, when you invited all your friends over, then said, ‘look who I get to bang every day for the rest of my life,’ and pointed to me. It was then I realized what a pompous ass you were. You were always a jealous pig, too. I couldn’t even look at another guy without you getting angry and questioning me. You’d say you’d read my mind and knew I wanted them. You had no clue what I wanted. You can see the future but you’re certainly no mind reader. And if you thought you could hide your offshore accounts from me, you were wrong. I found them all, and I hired an accounting firm to transfer the money. What was yours is now mine. You’re an abusive misogynist and a fool, and now you’re dead.”

I let my face hit the table. She put her hand on my head and faked a sniffle as someone came running through the crowd. “Everyone back away, I’m a doctor…” I heard him say.

“Oh my god, what’s wrong with him? I hope he’ll be okay,” She said.

“Lying bitch… you took everything from me, and now you’ve taken my life…” I mumbled, and as I had watched the doctor turn to her in suspicion, I exhaled for what I tried to make seem like last time. I held my breath, figuring if I passed out before an ambulance got here, it would make the effect seem more real.

I succeeded and woke up a few hours later at the hospital. I called my lawyer and found out my wife had been arrested, but someone had paid her bail. I figured it was the judge, and I paid the doctor a hefty sum to call my wife and ‘deliver the bad news’ of my passing.

Then I went home. Since I was now officially dead, I moved what remained of my fortune into numbered Swiss accounts to make sure Jane couldn’t touch it and wouldn’t figure out where it went.

I began stalking Jane and the judge for the next several weeks, and found out they were planning a cruise to the Caribbean on the Judge’s private yacht. This was perfect.

I rented a speed boat, then purchased climbing gear, a backpack and several bottles of lighter fluid.

“You must be having one hell of a barbeque,” the cashier said.

“Damn straight. I throw the best barbeques,” I said.

The cashier looked at the backpack and said, “Don’t burn down the woods.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t,” I said and laughed. This barbeque wasn’t going to be in the woods.

I packed everything up, got on my speedboat and after they departed for their journey I followed them into international waters. Being on the ocean had me so relaxed, all my visions had come back and I knew exactly what I was going to do and how to do it.

I continued to follow them until they stopped the boat. I had a vision of them in bed together and got nauseous.

I put on my backpack then used my climbing gear to scale the side of the boat. I unpacked the lighter fluid and poured it everywhere. I found the room they were staying in, kicked the door open and poured lighter fluid all over them.

“What the hell is going on?” The judge yelled.

“Luis, how? You’re dead,” Jane said.

“I’m alive and well, thank you for asking. But you won’t be for much longer,” I said and took out a lighter.

She smelled the substance covering her body and said, “Is this lighter fluid?” I smiled sadistically and ignited the lighter.

“Please, Luis, don’t do this. You’ll kill us,” She said.

“That’s the plan. That’s always been the plan. If I can’t have you, no one can,” I said and tossed the lighter.

I never thought the sound of two people screaming would sound like music to me, but it did. I walked out of the room, then to the edge of the yacht and jumped off the side, taking a nose dive into the ocean. I climbed back into my boat, drove it a few hundred feet from the yacht and stopped. I turned around to enjoy the site the judge’s yacht engulfing itself in flames.

I was satisfied with what I had done. I no longer had to give her all my money, and the fire had taken care of any evidence that might float beyond international waters and into a country’s jurisdiction. I could go home, announce that there had been a mistake on my death certificate, and resume my normal life. I was finally happy again, and had a vision of a beautiful new girlfriend and a successful new autobiography in my near future.

Copyright © November 6th, 2021 by Alex H. Mittelman. All rights reserved.