The Mars Land Scam

Hello, beautiful people! I’m David Rich. How’s everyone doing today?”

“YAAAYYAA!” Some people in the crowd cheer.

“Great, great! Property on Mars is a steal because we’re not there yet. But mark my words, 10 years after we colonize Mars, your property will be worth millions more. If you buy a plot of land with a mine on it, you’ll make billions – and that’s with a B, folks!”

“You might be thinking, ‘But I won’t see a return on my investment for over 10 years? Is it worth it?’ And I say, absolutely! NASA told me they’ve found Taparilliam, which can be used to make free energy and more. Your H.A.B. (Habitat) will have an energy generator of its own with free, clean electricity made from this versatile stone. Your rovers will run on it too. They’ve also found Gimonds, which are basically gold diamonds – can you believe it? Diamonds made of gold! If you get land with a Gimond mine on it, you’ll be able to buy anything you want.”

“Companies are buying up land like crazy – Microsoft, Apple, Facebook, Tesla, Amazon, and even the prison housing Ronald Frump was sent to is building a facility up there. And the whole family will be joining him, so you can visit him all you want – it’ll be a zoo of criminals!”

“Doesn’t this sound like a great idea?”

“YAAAAHHAAAAY!” A few people in the crowd go wild, while others remain silent.

“I see we have some interested folks. Now, you’re thinking, ‘How much is this going to cost me?’ Well, like I said, it’s a steal – one hundred million to five billion dollars depending on the size of land you buy and what’s on it. And we’ll give you a loan at a 4% interest rate. You’ll have to use our bank, though, since we have a two-hundred-year exclusivity deal. There is no way this could be staged.” David Rich smiles.

“Now, here’s a video of my twin, Roger Nelson, who’ll show you what might be your magical piece of land.”

On screen, a man that looks like David Rich appears.

“Hi, everyone! I’m Roger Nelson, here to tell you about this amazing offer your salesperson has presented. But first, give them a round of applause!”

“AAYYYYAAA, clapping.” The same people in the audience clap and cheer.

“Wow, you’re right, it is a beautiful crowd. What your salesperson has told you is true – we’re twins!” [laughs] “On a serious note, this is a deal you can’t refuse. New New York is almost filled, and it’ll be three to five months before New Los Angeles is ready to sell. If you don’t sign up now, you’ll miss out. If you get land with a mine, you can build your house on it and rake in the income. We’re laying down roads right now, and Tesla is building a plant out there, so you’ll have the best-looking rovers on Mars. We’re working on terraforming Mars, and soon you’ll be able to breathe without a mask.”

“In about 34 years,” he says under his breath.

“What did you just say?” someone in the audience yells out.

“I said I’m so happy I’m in tears!” he tries not to laugh.

“But there’s more, you’ll also get your credit and debit cards in the mail with some Mars currency on it. You can’t spend it on Earth; it’ll only be good when you get to Mars.” The man smiles. On the screen are two cards that both look the same, but one says debit on it. There is a picture of the surface of Mars with a city of H.A.B.s, rovers in the street, and people walking outside with space suits on, then the words U.P.M. Bank on the top.

“Some of you might be thinking, ‘Is this guy telling the truth?’ Well, here’s footage of our rocket taking off last year.”

The screen shows video of a rocket taking off into the air.

“And this is live footage from Mars.” Switches to a video of a truck scooping up dirt and dropping it in a dump truck.

“See, all real footage! How could we fake this? They’re on Mars, and we’re on Earth. We’ve developed a revolutionary communication system that can transmit audio and video in seconds, but we still haven’t figured out how to send remote control frequencies back to Earth.”

“Now, back to your salesperson.”

David Rich returns from off the stage. “Wasn’t that a great video, and isn’t he handsome?” [laughs] “On a serious note, our closers will come and talk to you, and you can ask them almost anything. Thank you, and I love you all!”

David Rich walks off the stage, blotting his head with a towel someone hands him. “I think this was a good night, the plants did well. I just bought a home in Beverly Hills, life is good.”

Both people laugh as they walk away.