The Longest Kiss Goodnight

I love you. I have spoken those words many times, to many different people, but it wasn’t until I met her that I realized how hollow those words rang. She taught me what love truly is, what it means to be in love, and how it feels to have that same love reciprocated.

1977

I met her in the fall at her sister’s wedding. I remember laying eyes on her for the first time. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I watched her throughout the night; laughing and dancing and smiling. I had never been so drawn to a person in my entire life. I finally found the courage to ask her to dance. She was hesitant at first, being that I was a complete stranger, but the way she looked at me; I sensed she felt a connection. I took her hand and led her to the dance floor. I’ll never forget our first song; Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton. It could not have been more appropriate. She was truly stunning. I placed my hands on her hips, she gently grasped my shoulders, no words were spoken, we just swayed to the music. As the song ended, I thanked her for the dance, and surprisingly, she invited me back to her table. We spent the rest of the evening dancing and talking and getting to know one another. Feelings began to stir in me that I had not felt in a long time. Before the night ended, I asked her if I could see her again, to which she smiled and happily agreed.

We met at a park a few days later. She loved nature and the outdoors, and I thought she would enjoy a walk as the sun set above us. The air was brisk and the wind was calm. We walked for miles, talking, not caring where we ended up or how we got there. As the sun began to set, she stopped and stared off into the distance. Above the trees, the sky lit up with a palate of reds, yellows, and oranges. It was a beautiful sight. Second only to her. She continued to stare off into the distance, appreciating the art that nature had painted us. It was in that moment that she reached over and interlaced her fingers in mine.

We continued to walk, hand in hand, until the moonlight shined down upon us. It was growing colder and we agreed we should head back. Suddenly, the wind began to whip, the clouds darkened, and thunder rumbled loudly. Then, the sky opened, and sent a downpour of rain hurdling towards the Earth. We stood for a second, smiling, and then laughing before we began to ran for cover. In the distance, we saw a light, and continued quickly towards it. As we neared the source of the light, we came across large, red barn. It was freshly painted and pristine.

The inside was as immaculate as the outside, by barns standards. It was dimly lit. It did not smell of animals, hay was neatly stacked, and tools were organized and stored in a meticulous fashion. We were cold and soaking wet. I grabbed a flashlight from the table and looked around for something to dry her off with. Luckily, I came across a blanket. I wrapped it around her and pulled her into my arms. She looked up at me, the same look she gave me when I first met her, and smiled. That was when I kissed her for the first time. “I was wondering when you were going to do that,” she said, and she kissed me back. I know this may seem hard to believe, but it was in that kiss when I fell in love. I knew in that moment that I was kissing the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It was that night, in that barn, making love to her for the first time, that my life changed forever.

1980

It was a hot summer, but not even the thick, humid air could bring me down. I had spent almost three amazing years with the love of my life. Every day with her seemed like a new adventure. Every day, I fell more in love with her. We had walked in the park many times, but it wasn’t until that night that we returned to the barn where we first made love. She was unaware of my intentions to take her there, and when she saw it in the distance, her eyes lit up. She looked over to me, smiled, and began running towards the barn. It reminded me of that night three years ago, trying to escape the storm. I watched her for a moment before I began running after her.

The barn was just as we had remembered, the paint more worn, the wood more aged, but nonetheless, it was the same. The moment we walked inside, everything came rushing back to that first night. My body buzzed, and my heart raced reliving that moment in my head. She walked around the barn; her happiness and beauty shining, then ran over and kissed me. “Thank you for bringing me here,” she said, unaware of what was to come next. I had decided that this was the night that I would ask her to spend the rest of her life with me, and I could not think of a better place to do it. I rehearsed what I wanted to say, over and over, yet I was still nervous. Not that she would say no, but that I would not be able to speak the words that illustrate just how much I love her. They had to be perfect, because she was perfect. I grabbed her hands and kneeled to the floor, bringing her with me. We kneeled, our hands interlaced, I kissed her, and spoke words I will never forget:

Three years ago, my life changed forever. Right here, in this very barn, in this very spot, I fell in love with you. You changed me. You have shown me what love truly is, what is means to need someone so badly that world around them stops until you are in their arms again. I have never been more certain of anything in my entire life more than I am that we belong together. And knowing you feel this love, this addiction, this obsession too, is the greatest feeling in the world. No one has ever loved me, cared for me, made me feel so perfect, or so beautiful like you have. You have allowed me to become the man that I have always wanted to be. I am yours until the day I die, and I want you to be mine as well.

It was at this point I pulled the ring from my pocket. It was a simple, round-shaped diamond solitaire set into a band of white-gold. It was best I could afford, but I knew she would have happily accepted a plastic ring from a Cracker Jack box as long as I was the one giving it to her. Tears swelled in her eyes. She leaned forward and kissed me, my emotions overwhelmed me and we both began to cry. I slide the ring onto her finger and we collapsed to the floor of the barn. We made love that night, just as we did three ago, and just like that first night, it was absolutely perfect.

1981

She always told me, “I don’t need anything in this world, as long as I have you.” Those words always cut me down to my soul. We both agreed that we did not need any extravagant wedding. We discussed something similar to her sister’s, but smaller, we discussed driving out west and getting married, we even discussed going to the courthouse and just signing the papers. Then she came up with the craziest idea. “What about the barn?” she asked. I couldn’t stop smiling at the idea, but would a stranger allow two people to get married in their barn? I wanted this to happen more than anything and figured it couldn’t hurt to ask. It was an awkward conversation with the owner for sure, explaining to him why we were in his barn to begin with, leaving out some of the more intimate details, but surprisingly, the owner and his wife were happy to accept my request.

We set the date for February 22. It was cold and snow covered the frozen ground. We only invited close family and friends and, of course, the owner and his wife. We could hear the wind whistle through the rafters of the barn, which were strung with the most beautiful twinkling lights. Heaters kept it a warm, cozy temperature. It was perfect. I stood at one end of the barn, she stood at the other. The music began to play and she started to walk towards me. I have never seen her more beautiful than in that moment. My legs shook like a leaf. I could not believe that in a few short minutes, the girl I had always dreamed of, was going to be my wife. I stood there watching her, the whole time thinking, “how do I get her?”

We held hands, and stared into each other’s eyes. The officiant spoke his words, but I could not think of anything else besides spending the rest of my life with the woman standing in front of me, and then he spoke, “you may kiss the bride.” Our lips met, my heart melted, it was as special and romantic as it was the first time we kissed. The guests clapped, our kiss came to an end, and she whispered in my ear “keep me forever.”

2021

We spent thirty magical, love-filled years together. Thirty years full of happiness, and adventure, and children. We had our share of tough times like anyone, but our love, our connection never faded. I continued to wake up each day next to her and with a smile on my face. She became a woman more amazing than I can ever imagine. So motivated and caring and determined. She was the most amazing mother. The most amazing partner.

She always joked, “I want to die before you, because I don’t want to know what it’s like to have to live knowing you’re not there.” And as she laid there in the hospital bed, surrounded by her children and loved ones, those words hurt me. She had her chance to say goodbye and the room cleared. I stayed behind. I begged her not to go, she was a fighter, she was my life, but she could not hold on any longer. I gave her one last kiss, my tears streaming down my face on to hers. It was the longest kiss goodnight I had ever given her.

The next day, I walked in the park, to the barn where we fell in love all those years ago. The barn we made love in for the first time, where I proposed, where we got married. We had passed in many times on our walks, but had not set foot in there since our wedding night. We just stood and watched it from afar, feeling the love we had for one another.

The barn had aged as I had. The paint was all but stripped away and the wood rotted and broken, but it was still standing, still sturdy, like our love. I went inside and immediately dropped to my knees and began to cry. How am I supposed to go on without her? How am I supposed to wake up in the morning and she not be the first thing I see? I laid down on the damp floor and began replaying my life with her in my head, and it was there, inside that old barn, I felt as if she was with me again.