The Letter

Selling the car seemed like the appropriate thing to do, it’s no use to you or myself, anymore. I haven’t looked up since you left that day, so quietly in the wee hours of the morning.

I promised that I would wait until your favourite season came around, I just never expected that you would leave me so suddenly.

The days have been bleak, not that I keep count or track of the days. The routine remains the same, the land needs tending to, the animals need some loving, and I continue to roam the hills hoping to catch you on your morning walks; but I’m only ever greeted by the strong winds and heavy rain of the chalky peak.

Every now and then, when my pulse slows, and the faintness of my heart encompasses the stillness of the life I live now and I drift into somnolence, you appear; like you never left. If I remember to mute my sobs, breathe in a whisper and stand as still as a mouse; I can still almost hear your voice, get a whiff of your scent, feel the closeness of your touch when the night breeze blows in through our bedroom windows.

“Always sleeping on the job, aren’t you Dear?”, how I miss those playful words you would say to me in your deep yet soft spoken voice as you nudged me on my shoulder ever so gently. Why didn’t you just tell me you couldn’t be with me anymore?

The smell of oven baked goods, morning fog, freshly mowed lawn, rain drops on a cold summer afternoon and sandalwood; your signature scent, how I wish I had bottled it when you were still around. Colm, I can’t bring myself to wash your clothes; I can’t bear the thought of forgetting you.

The oak tree is still doing good after that godawful storm, just like you said. The barn owls haven’t been back though, maybe the male owl left the female and it’s just too hard for her to return to a happier place when they we’re together. They would visit us so often Colm, you were so excited that you went and built them a nest box, and now it’s as empty as the house you built and home we made together.

Do you remember when they kept coming back - so many owlets have come and gone, and the two remained strong as ever. “That’s us, except for the kids”, you would comment without trying to upset me. I know how much you wanted to fill the house with kids, I know you used to tell me, “Dearbhla, I built a house big enough for 10 kids and dogs, doesn’t mean anything if I can’t have my true desire. You should know that by now; I only need you, everything else comes after if it’s meant to be”. For a good while there, we we’re known as the only farm with the barn owls in Enniskillen.

Would you still remember me if we met again? Are you missing me the way my heart aches for your presence? I thought we told each other everything. All I can hear is your voice telling me to remember to breathe, and never forget to check in on the two lovers for you.

Though it’s not snowing just yet, the world around me feels endlessly cold and I don’t think I can keep living without you let alone stare at your letter a minute longer. The sight of my name penned down by you makes me miss the way you drew circles on my back like you use to. Tracing your mud-stained fingerprints on the envelope puts me in a daze, leaving me lost in the ridges and valleys of your love.

Dearbhla,

I prayed for more time, but if you’re reading this my time has come; know that I’m so broken up about it. How can our time be so short yet you’ve managed to give me a lifetime of unconditional love and only ever needed kisses, laughter, hugs, shoulders to lean on and hands to guide you through our darkest days. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you that my time was almost over, please forgive me for leaving you.

I know how much you are hating yourself right now, blaming yourself and dissecting every bit of us. Please don’t do that. I want you to know that you are what I truly desired, you are my greatest treasure. I thank God every day for paving my way to you. I have been lucky to be kissed, with the lips that has never failed to tell me words of encouragement. I have been fortunate to stare into eyes, that glimmered in the sun and only looked my way. I have been given too many chances in the presence of attentive ears. I have been blessed by your grace, for your spirit has set me free at my lowest. No amount of gratitude can measure up to the faith you had when you took a chance on loving me. What I’ll miss most is the way you would tenderly hold my face and lightly leave kisses, after a hard day. I’ll never get to feel that again.

I pity those who are not in your circle of existence; how I wish I would have told you more often – how good it is to be on the receiving end of your love, to be spoiled with gentle care and to be always supported with tender pushes along the way.

I know how hard it will be to move on, God knows I will be missing the biggest part of my life but in time lay me to rest with our plans and make new ones. I won’t ever let me let you go, we can pick up from where we left off once you’re ready to find the path I left on your way back to me, when the time is right. It’s hard to believe but I’ll be known for loving you, if that’s all I ever did in this life.

I wish with all my heart for you to continue living, loving and laughing until our room is finished in our new place. Don’t worry I’ll be looking after our babies, and I’ll be sure to tell them all about you. I hope to see the barn owl that we rescued on our first date all those years ago in Crom Castle and catch him up on all our ventures with his kind. Do you think he still remembers us?

That reminds me, don’t forget to look up – check on those two barn owls. I hope they give you the courage to soar on your own for a little while. Don’t be discouraged if they stop visiting; make your way out to them. Venture to the lake, rent a rowing boat and have a picnic at Crom Castle. Stand by the ancient Yew Trees and take sight of their flight above you and find comfort that I’m with you in the cool breeze, the falling of the autumn leaves and the heavy footprints in the snow.

I know how much you love vintage things; so, I’ve gone to the trouble of dirtying the letter and envelope with a hard day’s work. Don’t say I never did anything romantic.

Your Faithful Servant,

Colm

‘Oh Colm, if only you could see me now; the dirt smudges, hay and bits of grass all mixed with my tears in this letter has made it all bittersweet. Trust you to get a laugh out of me even in the most daunting times’. I say aloud with an exasperated tone. I have a feeling this broken hearted of mine is going to stay with me, but I’ll always have your letter. I hope you’re not teaching the kids any bad habits and telling all the fun stories without me.

I’ll do just that; it has been good weather to head over to the castle. Maybe I’ll spot the barn owls, maybe they are exactly what I need to heal from your sudden departure. Maybe you’ll see me from the clouds when I get the courage to look up again.

You always did have the right words for any occasion. I can’t wait to make my own path until we intersect, once again to continue where we left off.

I’ll be sure to bring back some leaves from both trees for you to enjoy on your gravestone.