The Last Good One

The Last Good One

Casey Jean is her name and honestly, I’ve never met someone so absolutely broken. She’s more devoid of emotion than the rock I watched her use to smash in a wild goats skull so we could eat. Humanity went to hell about 8 years ago now, this virus came along and well, let’s just say the human population hasn’t exactly been on the up and ups. So yes, I did watch her murder a goat, but she’s not a monster.

I study her as much as I can, but if there was a test on Casey Jean, and the ONLY question was “Name one thing that Casey Jean enjoys” I can promise you I’d fail. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like she’s a mute or anything of the sort….she’s just broken. I knew pretty quickly after meeting her that I wanted to fix her. It became my life goal.

Sometimes I think I’ll catch her staring at me, but I realized that she’s always looking at the heart shaped pendant I wear around my neck. I don’t remember if I’d noticed her looking at it before I’d told her the story of who it had once belonged, but I know she looks at it often. I’m pretty certain that she just doesn’t care that I see her staring at it, it’s never discussed.

She’s not the only one though, this locket is the only valuable treasure I have of life before the world went to hell. It had belonged to Sam, my muse, my first true love. What I feel for her is still just unmitigated passion. I know that may sound a little wrong talking about someone whose been dead for 9 years, but like I said, she was my first. I wonder what Casey thinks of when she looks at it? She asked me about it the one time, it was honestly a bit awkward for me to open up about how I’d felt about it but I feel like I painted the picture pretty well.

Okay but back to Casey Jean. I feel so strongly for her and there are times that she reminds me of Sam and I start getting these butterflies and I have to distract myself. Like I said she’s broken, and the need to fix her grows inside of me each passing day. There’s times if I’m off alone scavenging or hunting that I start wondering if she thinks of me too?

The other day we were sitting together in the cave we’ve been camping in, opposite sides of course, I don’t want her to think less of me, I want her to be comfortable enough that she can approach me, she deserves that. I ask her a little bit more about the life she’d had before she met me, her childhood and boyfriends or any types of hobbies she may have had, but she’s never very descriptive, plenty of one word answers or shrugs, and it’s starting to drive me a little more crazy about her.

It’s been about two months now that I’ve been here with Casey Jean, and I was talking to myself out loud, I do that a lot around her, hoping the sound of my voice somehow becomes a beacon to her. I picture her running into my arms in desperation, or love, or even immense sorry, I just want to see her feel. Okay yes so I was talking to myself and I’d made a joke and I turned to see a smirk she couldn’t exactly hide from her face.

She smiled. She smiled. I made that happen! That night I couldn’t sleep, I tossed and turned, my heart almost beat right out of my chest, and now I know that she’s not just some empty vessel, I made her feel! I’ll wait for her, my sweet Casey Jean, I’m gonna make her feel alive again, I refuse anything less.

So earlier when I was chopping some wood, I noticed her looking at the locket again. I wonder if she thinks poorly of this locket? I hope not. She usually doesn’t care that I know she looks at it but she would turn away if I looked in her direction, and she spoke to me some, no more than usual, but it was mostly while her back was facing me. It did hurt in all honesty, I’m not sure what I did but I don’t want her to go back to…well I’m not sure, it’s been a few months that we’ve been together. Maybe I’m just over thinking it.

Today, I woke up with drive. Last night it had stormed really bad, I was almost convinced our cave was gonna just collapse on us, I really don’t scare easily but I was a little worried if I’m being absolutely truthful, but in one of the most amazing things that Casey Jean has ever done, is pulling her bedding close to mine. Needless to say it was another sleepless night, I just laid there staring toward the ceiling, knowing that if I reached my arm out that I could touch her. The butterflies were so strong I was convinced they were going to carry me off the cave floor to the ceiling.

The other day when I thought she wasn’t trying to be caught looking at my pendant was actually a mistake. She was looking at me. I noticed when I looked over and she didn’t look away but she made eye contact with me, and that really was like a religious moment for me, whenever I heard about people that went to those little southern churches would talk about the Holy Spirit, this is what I imagine that they were talking about. That feeling was so powerful, that I realized I need to maybe control it a bit because I vomited in my mouth some and I had to pretend like I was running to use the bathroom, I was a little upset with myself, I’ll admit that I’m too embarrassed to look her in the eye again.

There was a storm again tonight, not as bad as the one where she came and laid by me, but it was still pretty loud. Well Casey Jean came over and sat kind of close to me, like we sat there Indian style in front of each other and she told me a whole story about her childhood, how her grandmother used to sing to her during storms or her first puppy that her dad got for her 6th birthday. I was almost shaking, I really learned more about her in that 20 minute conversation than I had since the day we’d met. This is all coming together so well, I remember always hearing people say how patience can really be the key to get something if keep yourself disciplined. I’ve started to picture my Casey Jean as a flower, everyday I give her water and I give her nourishment so she can blossom.

Today Casey Jean asked if I had been crying when we were sleeping last night and I yelled at her, I scared her and I feel like I ruined everything. Why would I do that to her? I hate myself for it, and I’m sure Casey Jean hates me too. I hate having dreams about my mom. I never want to think of her, that woman was the bad guy in every movie, and every book I ever read. I haven’t thought of her or anything in so long, and she finds her way into my dreams because she still tortures me and can still find a way to hurt me by hurting my Casey Jean. My mom never wanted me to have love, I could see it in her eyes that she didn’t think I ever deserved it. Moms are supposed to be their sons protectors.

I didn’t look at Casey Jean or talk to her or talk to myself so she could hear me because I didn’t want her to be scared or think that I’m not sorry for yelling at her. I wanted to talk to her today so I left and walked around the woods today by myself for a little while and I found her some flowers. That’s something I never thought of…what kind of flower is Casey Jean? I don’t really know names of any flowers, but I know she’s my favorite flower. So I waited til it was just getting dark to go back because I wanted it to be a surprise. I didn’t look at her at first, but I sat the flowers by her feet and when I looked up at her she smiled at me and she stood up and she hugged me. She put her arms all the way around me and I know we can’t get baths or wash our clothes as much as we did before everything but Casey Jean smelled even better than I could have imagined. I was sure she felt my heart, maybe even heard it. That’s the only thing that I have heard since she let me go, thump thump, thump thump.

Last night it stormed again, and since the first one, I don’t worry anymore, when I hear the rain I know that means I get to be close to Casey Jean. She brought her bed and touched it to mine, then she put the blankets over her and she rubbed my hand for awhile. When she stopped rubbing my hand she held it, all night. I wonder if she felt how sweaty it was. I know I was a clamy mess, but she didn’t seem to mind. I wasn’t able to sleep so I just laid there all night and I wonder if it made her as happy as it did me.

I don’t know why I did it , but today I gave Casey Jean Sam’s necklace. She told me that she didn’t want to take it from me but I told her I’d still always have it with her too. She smiled, I could see all of her teeth she smiled that big.

I kissed her on her forehead, and she hugged me , and my heart could fly anywhere around the world if it wanted to. I promised that I would help Casey Jean when I met her, I knew that I could save her from her loneliness and her not feeling. I love my Casey Jean and she loves me.

My beautiful girl, My Casey Jean has never been more perfect. I know she didn’t understand at first but I knew that she would. I taught her how to open up and feel everything again. At first she didn’t want to lay down so I showed her how I needed her with the ropes we had. She did so good, I kissed her and told her I was so proud. I know she’s happy now. She looked like the perfect flower, and watching the lights go out in her eyes I knew she was my beautiful flower forever. The last of her breath escaped her body, and one final tear down her cheek for me. I’m going to keep her here so I can come talk to her when I get lonely, but she will always really be with me and Sam, I know they hear me talking to them in my moms heart shaped pendant, that’s the only thing she gave me I ever liked. I think that’s why it’s like my perfect gift.