The Last Day of Christmas

THE REST OF THE STORY

The Magi came on the 12th day of Christmas. They were Zoroastrian priests from Persia and came with loot.

They worshipped Mazda, proclaimed by Zoroaster, which shouldn’t be confused with the later Japanese import. Balthassar and Melchior were wise; Caspar was an imbecile. He brought myrrh.

Joseph took the gold and, Mary, the frankincense, today called Boswellia, an anti-inflammatory. But myrrh! Nasty stuff. Caspar came with eighty pounds. Uncle Nicodemus gave most of it to a little drummer boy.

"Get the hell out of here and take the myrrh with you. Damn drums! Who the hell wants drums? Go on, get outta here. And don’t forget your goddamn drum! Li'l mamser!”

THE STAR OF THE MAGI

Jesus may have been the son o’God, but he was made up of the same stuff everyone was. Jesus cited gravity, which he manipulated for miracles.

“One day,” Jesus said, “there will be something called a periodic table. Many will pretend to understand it.”

If hydrogen fused into helium, poets would call this ignition, and a star is born.

Accordingly:

• if we were lucky enough to see a bunch of hydrogen come together to form a star
• if we were lucky enough to have a lot of the heavier elements floating around as background pollution from the death of other stars
• if we were lucky enough to have an accumulation of those heavier elements fall together and settle into an orbit neither too close nor too far away from this star...

...all of these elements may find their way into shapes who could wonder where the hell we came from. Before thinking this is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard, know what Jesus said about the star the Magi followed.

He said it was a UFO.

Jesus was a Capricorn. Its symbol, the Sea-goat, symbolizes standing against the self-indulgent. As fisher of men, this applied nicely. Capricons are cautious and prudent…again, Jesus. They're father figures…Jesus. Wanna help mankind…Jesus! Confident; command attention…Jesus-Jesus-Jesus! For the record, Jesus said the Zodiac was bullshit.

I’m glad the Magi never heard that. They’d take back their presents.

Except the myrhh.