The Iron Man of Prague

This is a play written in 2023 about a ghost in Prague. It was first performed at the ProEnglish Theatre in Kyiv, Ukraine.

Characters:

Max Wertz - A directionless sort; knows where he wants to be but not always what he wants to do. Living out his childhood fantasy of just existing in Prague for a while, but he doesn’t quite know what to do with that.

Elena Gay - A friend from Max’s hometown. Went through life very quickly. Married now, with a kid. Writes books for tweens, likes weird local myths and legends. In town for vacation.

Ghost - A spectral presence who hovers behind the action of the play. When and where he exists, his appearance, and his demeanor are dependent on the theatermakers. He could be onstage before anything happens, or stay long after the action is gone.

Time & Place

A misty spring night in Prague, not quite tourist season yet, so it’s fairly quiet. The world is cast in deep spectral amber light, just a little dreamlike, though altogether lucid. The action of the play takes place on or near the Charles Bridge; there is a railing—metal or stone—that borders between the bridge and the river. There is a gentle rushing of the Vltava River below.

Author’s Note

Every specific design choice I make in the stage directions is entirely a recommendation. You do not have to give me a “deep spectral amber light,” but give me the feeling of one.

This is a play of deep, passionate yearning that goes absolutely nowhere.

The timeline of given circumstances in this script gets a little hazy, so allow me to break it down, for the sake of the actors and director.

1. Max studies abroad in Prague. Max meets Jana. Max leaves Prague, promises to return so that he can consummate relationship with Jana.

2. Max, insecure about his “talents” asks Elena to be in a temporary relationship with him in the time between when he returns to America and when he can go back to Europe.

3. Elena agrees, the two date for an indeterminate amount of time.

4. Max accepts a position teaching English in Barcelona. He asks Elena to come with him. Elena believes this to be a joke. The two break up.

5. Very soon after, Elena begins dating and eventually marries a man named Justin. Has a daughter with him.

6. Max returns to Prague. And now here the fuck we are.

Scene Only

We discover Elena standing alone, leaning over the stone railing of the Charles Bridge, staring at boats wending about in the river below. She is listening to music, clasps her phone between her hands. Obviously she is in deep thought. She pockets her phone, just focuses on the river beneath her, and on the buildings and lights in the distance.

Max passes by. He is not inconspicuous, studies Elena before eventually drifting beside her.

Max

Knew I’d find you here.

Elena taking out her earbuds

What was that?

Max

I said, I knew I’d find you here.

Elena

Of course you did. I texted you.

Max

Yeah, but it felt more dramatic to say–

Beat.

When did you land?

Elena

Two days ago.

Max

And you just texted me today?

Elena

I didn’t– I didn’t know if you’d still be here.

Max

Yeah.

Exhale

Yeah, I guess you’re right.

Elena

Yeah.

Inhale.

I just didn’t know if I wanted to see you.

Max

Oh. Yeah, okay.

Elena

Yeah, after–

Max

No, yeah, it’s no big deal. I almost didn’t– When you texted, I almost didn’t–

Elena

Almost didn’t reply, huh?

Max

Yeah. No, yeah, no.

Elena

Sure.

Beat.

So! Prague! City of your dreams, right?

Max

Yeah, I love it! There’s so much history, you know? So much folklore, and– The buildings are new, but the foundations are old. There are restaurants built in cellars built in the 14th century. I got one, actually. The cellar, not the– You know, I don’t own a–

Elena

You bought a cellar?

Max

Yeah, well, I gotta live somewhere.

Elena

In a cellar?

Max

On Platnerska. Beautiful part of the city. A little busy sometimes, but yeah.

Elena

That’s Old Town. How’d you afford that? English teachers make that much?

Max

Naw. Rich uncle died.

Elena

Oh. I’m so sorry.

Max

No, don’t be– He was the racist one.

Elena

Still your uncle.

Max

Still my uncle.

Elena

Hey, you still teaching?

Max

No, I– Last school I taught at had a real jackass of an owner. Young guy. Just so rude. Students were great, but him? Not so much. Decided to stop after that.

Elena

So what do you do these days?

Max

Don’t need to work so much. Doing ghost tours some nights to pass the time, but–

Elena

Oh, Justin and I did one of those last night.

Max

How’s he?

Elena

Who?

Max

Justin. Your husband, right?

Elena

Three years, yeah.

Max

Wow, you two just really went at it as soon as I left, huh?

Elena

Yeah, it was only temporary, right?

This is a point of some contention. It melts away a little bit.

Justin’s fine. Made Project Manager at his firm. Came with a nice raise, but now he wants a second kid.

Max

Do you?

Elena

Between you and me, I wasn’t even really sold on the first, but–

The two laugh at this a little.

No, Morgan’s sweet. And she keeps begging for a little brother. We got her a tortoise instead.

Max

Yeah, a little brother is a huge responsibility. Is Morgan with you?

Elena shaking her head

No, at my Mom’s place. Just me and Justin for now.

Max

For now…

Elena sensing something

So, did you and Jana ever–?

Max

Me and Jana? No, no. God, haven’t talked to her since– Yeah, since you and I were–

Elena

You’d think she’d’ve jumped on the opportunity. To finally live on the same continent as you.

Max

Well, we sort of fell out. She was jealous of you.

Elena

Jealous!

Max

I think you and I understood how temporary it was, but she didn’t. And when I told her it was temporary, she just said, “Here we have a saying. There is nothing more permanent than temporary.” And then, we just– Yeah, we just fell off. I sent her a postcard when I got to Barcelona, gave her my address, texted her a couple times. No response. I haven’t heard a thing from her in years. Bounced around Europe for a couple years before winding up here. Haven’t run into her. I don’t even think she still lives around here.

Elena

That sucks, man.

Max

Yeah.

Beat.

So you’re here!

Elena

Yeah, Justin and I never really had a honeymoon, and I wanted to come here to research for my new book, so. His treat.

Max

Can’t believe he got you to come to Europe, when I couldn’t.

Elena

It was a different life back then.

Max

Yeah, but– I don’t know. I wish we’d wanted the same thing back then.

Elena cheekily

You wanted Jana. I was just temporary, remember? Until you could get to the same continent as her?

Max

So what ghost stories have you heard here? Prague Golem?

Elena

Yep.

Max

What about the old widow who lived in the Plague House and married her own son?

Elena

Tour guide took a lot of joy in telling that one.

Max

Iron Man of Prague?

Elena

Haven’t heard that one.

Max

Oh, it’s my favorite one! Okay. Put this one in a book. So. Okay. There once was this young, handsome knight, and he was engaged to be married to a beautiful young virgin maiden.

Elena

Why is it important that she's a virgin?

Max

Trust the narrative, babe, we’re getting there. The young knight was sent off on a long journey. Promised himself to his betrothed, parted ways, was gone for a year. When he returned, he had heard vile rumors from the men in town that his betrothed had been married off to another man, so without even verifying if these rumors were true, the man picked another woman, married her, and lived happily ever after in their new home.

Elena

Well, that’s sweet, but–

Max becoming more animated

But he should have checked the facts first! You’re right! For he had been deceived!

Leaping onto the railing, balancing up there.

Crestfallen by her lover’s betrayal–

Elena

Max, get down from there!

Max

– the poor young virgin maiden could not bear the heartbreak–

Elena

Max, you’re going to fall!

Max

–and she came to this bridge, and she cast herself into the frigid waters of the river below! Woe is me! Woe is me!

Max pretends to be losing his balance. Elena pulls him off the railing back onto the bridge.

The woman’s father, meanwhile–

Elena affectionately, with some familiarity

You’re an idiot.

Max

–could not live with the shame of losing his only daughter. So he went to the top of that tower over there–

Elena

Which tower?

Max cozying up, pointing into the distance

That tower, right there, near the Cathedral of Saint Nicholas. And he climbed to the top of it, and he cried out, and he cast himself off of it. Down, down, until SPLAT! He landed dead on the cobblestones below.

Elena

Tragic.

Realizing her face and his are mere inches apart.

Continue.

Max breaking away

The young knight, hearing this news, was distraught and ashamed. And in his sadness, the young knight strangled his new wife to death in the cellar of his home, and hanged himself immediately after.

Elena

What the fuck.

Max

I know, right?

Elena

Ever heard of a breakup text?

Max

Anyway, cursed by God, the young knight was sentenced to pass a certain trial in order to move on to the afterlife. Once every ten years, on the anniversary of his death, his spirit is known to wander these twisting alleyways. If he can find a pure young virgin maiden and carry a conversation with her for one hour, he’s free to go to heaven. But if he can’t, then he’s condemned to ghosthood for another decade. And wouldn’t you know it, Elena– Today is the 500-year anniversary of his death.

Elena

No kidding.

Max

No, I’m kidding.

Elena smacking Max playfully

You actually had me–

Max

I like to throw that in at the end of every tour. Makes them feel special.

Elena

You’re really good at that.

Max

Hey. You should put that story in your next book.

Elena

Max, I write for 10-year-olds.

Max

So?

Elena

So that might be a little too suicide-y for 10-year-olds.

Max

Change it, then. The virgin girl swims away. Her father locks himself in a tower. The knight becomes a statue. Not sure what to do with his wife. Just spitballing here. I–

A deep sigh.

Elena, why didn’t you come with me?

Elena

You didn’t want me to.

Max

I invited you.

Elena

Didn’t mean you wanted me to. Do you remember who you were back then? I do.

Max

Of course I do–

Elena

Because you come home from studying abroad here, in Prague, and you tell me, “Elena, I met the most breathtaking woman while I was there. She’s so sweet and funny and I want to travel the world with her. It’s such a shame we live on different continents.”

Max

That was so long ago–

Elena

“Elena, what if I go back, and I’m not good enough for her? Elena, I’ve never been in a relationship. What if she hates the way I kiss? What if I can’t make her–”

Max

Elena–

Elena

“You’ve been in relationships before, Elena. Can you help me?” So I’m your practice-girl. And one thing led to another, and all of a sudden it wasn’t practice anymore, and– You were calling me your girlfriend to all your other friends, and I was– And then– Max, when you invited me to come with you to Barcelona, I wanted to come. But I just couldn’t shake the feeling that what we had was temporary. I didn’t want to come because I knew the moment you set foot in Europe again, you’d reach out to Jana, and where would I be? Barcelona? What’s the point of that?

Max

I never reached out to her.

Elena

What?

Max

I wanted you to come with me. Nothing more permanent than the temporary, right?

Elena

You should’ve tried harder. I–

Max

Soon as I left, you were with Justin. I didn’t want to get in the way of that.

Elena

And now I have a kid. With a second on the way.

She moves her hand to fold into his.

You’re so cold.

Max

No, you’re just warm.

Elena

You’re not wearing a jacket.

Max

I don’t need one–

Elena

Here, take mine–

Max

I’m used to the weather here, I–

Elena

Here you go.

She wraps her jacket around Max’s shoulders.

Beat.

Max seems embarrassed that it fits.

Elena puts a hand on his cheek.

Even… Even your face is bone cold.

Max

It’s not. You’re just–

Elena

Here. Let me warm it up.

She places a sparing kiss on Max’s lips. A pause.

Practice for your next one, I guess.

She studies the yearning on Max’s face. Immediate regret.

Oh no, I shouldn’t have done that.

Max

I miss you a lot, Elena.

Elena

I do, too.

Max

Will you stay?

Elena

I–

Pondering.

There’s a reason I didn’t reach out to you immediately, Max. You can’t just–

Stepping away

This is my fault.

Max

Elena, no, I–

Elena

Goodbye, Max.

Walks away.

Max moving toward her with the jacket

Elena, wait, I–

The Ghost steps out of the shadows, stops Max from following Elena. Max watches as Elena leaves. Locks eyes with Ghost.

Ghost

You gave it your best shot, okay?

Max studying the jacket

Did I?

Ghost

You have to let it go.

Max

I have to… let it go.

Ghost with some irony

Keep heart. This will pass soon.

Max

Yeah.

At the Ghost’s nonverbal suggestion, Max leaves the jacket hanging over the railing, walks off, exits. The lights fade. The Ghost remains.

Does Elena come back at all? Does she watch Max leave? Does she take the jacket back?

End of play.