THE INTERVIEW

I woke up at five, looked at my watch, then put my head back down and stared for a while at the peeling paint on the set of drawers beside the bed. I was still wearing a shirt and was tangled up in it. I struggled out of it, took it off, and lay back down again, then got up, drank water out of the tap for a while - and then went and lay back down a second time. The job interview was at nine.

I fell back asleep and dreamed of fish. I dreamed I was in an ocean and then started to drown. A killer whale swam by and laughed at me.

I woke up again, it was seven on the dot. I closed my eyes again and thought to myself I don’t have to get up until eight-thirty; the interview will be on a little screen from a computer – I don’t need to put too much effort into this.

I woke up again at eight-thirty and stared at the ceiling for ten minutes and then got up and put on an unironed shirt, scarf, and jacket.

I boiled some milk and put in a teaspoon of coffee, wiped some water through my hair and smoked two cigarettes. Then it was time to shine. I turned my computer on and hitched the internet link up to my phone hotspot – I was back in the game.

I waited a while until the virtual interview room was opened. After two-minutes a face appeared.

“Hello, Luke, how are you this morning?”

“Great! How are you?”

“I’m very well. So I’ve got your application in front of me, it looks like you’ve got a lot of experience in the complaints field”

“Yes, I do” I said “I’ve been working in complaints for years – big complaints, small complaints, I’ve registered complaints with the Complaints Department like you would believe”

“Is that so?”

“Well yes, at my last job we had a complaint so big it had been in the office for eleven years – I went in and looked at it, figured out what the complaint was exactly, and then registered it with the Official Department of Complaints, which resolved the whole issue”

“Really?”

“Yes, I believe hearing complaints is mostly about giving people the chance to be heard – that’s why the Complaints Department exists”

“I believe that too”

“Sorry, Melissa, this is Melissa, right; I should really have asked that at the start, it was Linda I was speaking to who set up the interview”

“Yes, I’m Melissa, Linda is our office manager”

“OK” I replied with a smile

“So, what are you looking for in a job, Luke?”

“Well, I’m passionate about complaints” I lied “like I said earlier, I feel I’m good at understanding exactly what it is that people are complaining about; and that helps to get them registered properly”

“Well yes, there …”

“Oh yes, has there been an influx of complaints lately?”

Melissa smiled, she had really white teeth and brushed straight hair. A boring ornament could be seen in the corner of her office by a beige curtain that lay flat under fluorescent lights and crisp in air conditioning.

“Yes, there has been an influx, we get our complaints by word of mouth, and we really need someone to hit the ground running”

“Oh yes that’s me! I love running”

“You do?”

“Oh well, with respect to the work”

“Of course”

“So, ah, what are your salary expectations?”

“Well, I thought that would be a question for you?”

I scratched my nose.

“Well, why don’t you tell us what you were getting paid at your last complaints job”

“Oh, it was terrible! I was getting 50 a year”

“Was that inclusive of superannuation or not?”

“Exclusive”

Melissa wrote something on a pad beside her.

“You know” I began “the real problem with my last job was that I never felt like I could really shine, you know? On the amount of pay”

“Oh?”

“Yes, I rent a small apartment to myself and 50 a year didn’t really allow me to be the best person I can be”

“Is that so”

“Yes, I need more money”

Melissa drew a line on her pad.

“You see, I looked up the office hours and from where I live I’d have to wake up at 6:30am, catch the train for an hour, hear the complaints, register them, invoice people for them, and then after probably staying back at work for a while I’d have to sit on the train home again for an hour and then cook dinner and eat it alone – so really, for me, it might be a bit of a fourteen hour day or so”

“Well, you’ve certainly raised a lot of negatives”

“Oh yes, well, you see, that’s why I’m so good with taking complaints. I like to ask about all the negatives so I can really get to the heart of the problem – then I get a clear understanding of what the person is actually complaining about”

“Well, did you have any other questions for us?”

“Yes, have you booked a holiday, are you looking forward to taking a holiday soon?”

“Well, yes actually”

“Oh really, where are you off to?”

“Um, well, we haven’t booked it yet – we’re in the process of looking”

“Oh, that’s nice; always good to have something to look forward to”

“Yes, it is”

“Um, I’m sorry” I said “I feel like I’ve made a bad impression of myself here”

“Oh no, that’s fine”

“Oh ok”

“So, we’ll be in touch”

“Ok” I said. And that was that. I went and lay back down, looking at the peeling paint on the set of drawers and thought about what the fuck.