The Infinity Train

It was the tune that I first became aware of as I slowly regained an awareness of me. Me and my body. Me and my mind. Me as me. I was singing this tune in my head from a childhood movie about a runaway train. I can still hear it in my mind faintly, just barely making out the words;

Round the world and home again That's the sailor's way Faster faster, faster faster

I listen for a while unable to recall the movie this tune is from trying to remember more of the lyrics. What was it? My eyes still closed, I start to become aware of my body's existence and its' position. The tune falls in to the backdrop of my mind and I note that I am not laying flat and I particularly note that I am not comfortable. My head, slightly torqued to the left causing a sharp twinge to begin sear up boldly on the right side of my neck, was throbbing in pain. When I moved in agony, I realized I was sitting in a chair, noooo a seat. A cushy seat. My recliner? No. And then it all rushed back to me, this familiarity of what it was, what I am sitting on or in. A seat, on a plane. No, a seat on a train! My eyes jolt open in shock and I am quickly aware that I am very unsure of my state of mind. I am seeing out of the window but I am not able to comprehend what I actually see. Almost awake, and maybe still sleeping, I watch and stare momentarily while I slowly come into complete consciousness and yet, it doesn't feel like consciousness. I still feel like I am dreaming.

I stare out of the window for a bit longer, as the minutes seem to drone on endlessly one after another. I stare at this strange wonderment I see through the large rectangle and slightly tinted and UV protectant window before me. As my brain still tries to make sense of what I am seeing, I begin to really look at what I am seeing. My body still, me without emotion, my eyes just seeing and watching, I breathe slowly and deliberately as I fully take in the awe my eyes already have experienced. I feel motionless yet I see so much motion in front of me. I feel so still and peaceful, yet there is a rush of energy as if these lights were passing directly through my body and maybe even my soul. My eyes register a speed that seems impossible and even with that, my body feels alarmingly still. Are we even moving?

As time drones on, a thousand strips of rainbow lights pass by at what seemed to be an amazing speed as we sat motionless inside of what seemed to be a tunnel of these very lights. I think to myself, This is kind of what that song is about isn't it? That movie. What was that movie? I focus for a while on the tune ..

There's no earthly way of knowing Which direction we are going

Linear bright streaming colorful lines of light changing from light to dark and brilliant to dim, hues of all possibilities raced on an on in front of my eyes, timeless and boundless while we went nowhere.

It was a quite the light show.

I close my eyes, obviously mired in a Willy Wonka dream. I involuntarily roll my eyes back in my head as if I were fifteen again and eventually my pupils came to rest in the center, covered by their lids which I let fall heavily. I figured I would just adjust my head to a more comfortable position, lay back, and enjoy this sweet dream. I never took drugs, so why not? Closest thing I suppose.

Moments pass. So many moments pass.

And then many more moments pass, and I realize suddenly in my relaxed and dreamless state, that I am not sleeping. My head twitches in realization yet I stubbornly keep my eyes tightly shut. My shoulders add a twitch and cause me to think this thought more deliberately.

I am not sleeping.

My head jolts up again, this time up and off of the seat cushion in a clouded mix of childhood excitement and adult terror. The lights continue to whirl past the window even faster than originally perceived and are no longer dreamlike or ethereal in nature. Any previously noted body pain becomes miraculously absent, to my pleasant discovery, as the rush of adrenaline brought me and my body to full presence.

My heart was beating hard. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end. My ears were now on full alert. I suddenly realize that my heart is beating so hard that it feels as if my rib cage might actually crack from the pressure. This drum inside of my body pounds on relentlessly, not letting me release the energy which caused it in the first place. Wait, what was causing it? I wait for what seems like infinity for it to slow down, thinking this thought, waiting for it to let me gain a moment of clarity. The beat just continues on with no real mercy.

BA-DUMP BA-DUMP BA-DUMP BA-DUMP BA-DUMP BA-DUMP

I wait.

BA-DUMP BA-DUMP BA-DUMP BA-DUMP BA-DUMP BA-DUMP

I wait. Still. I try really hard to slow my breathing and relax my now fully tense muscles.

BA-DUMP BA-DUMP BA-DUMP BA-DUMP BA-DUMP BA-DUMP

Relentless, I think, forgetting the tune and the lights, completely distracted by my heartbeat now. Eyes closed. Just breathe, I tell myself sternly.

BA-DUMP BA-DUMP BA-Dump Ba-Dump Ba-Dump Ba-Dump

A wave of relief begins to come over me and I begin to relax just a bit. As I open my eyes, I remember what was there to see and I stop. I want to open my eyes. And I don't want to open my eyes. I have to open my eyes. I am sure it was a dream.

ba-dump ba-dump ba-dump .....

As my heartbeat slows and quiets, I am encouraged. I am more relaxed. With my eyes still closed, I breathe deeply and resolve that whatever it is, I am obviously still here.

Here.

.... Here?

Where is here?

For the rowers keep on rowing And they're certainly not showing Any signs that they are slowing

The tune echoes in my head again. I feel my heart begin to respond with another outflow of emotion and I try and lock it down. Stop! I tell my heart. Please just stop. I plead.

My heart responds with a jolt and there is a sudden silence. Everything pauses, colorless and soundless. And then a jolt again! And silence again! For a brief moment, I thought I was dead. Suddenly, there were no lights, no movement, no tension, no tune!

Ma'Am!

I look up startled and there, standing patiently next to me, in a very normal navy blue tweed jacket, is a man. He asks me for my ticket. As I look around, every thing is normal. I look at my cash which I was unconsciously still clutching tightly in my left hand. I uncurl my hand, apologize and hand it to him. He smiles warmly, accepts it with a wink, and says thanks. As he turns to leave, I see a flash of rainbow light on the pin on his lapel. I quickly squint a bit to read it and my heart jumps again as my eyes see a rainbow infinity symbol on that pin. As he makes his exit, the image emblazes in my mind. I realize the infinity symbol is made from the train engine and tracks itself, going round in an endless loop.

Glimpses of bright colors begin to appear on the carpet of the center aisle seemingly trailing right beneath his feet. I turn my head to look out the window and suddenly I am frozen in time. My eyes grow wide, and I see the familiar reflecting bold flashing bright colors fire back up as if they were stopped in some moment in time, frozen and then, suddenly released. As I realize what I am seeing, I also realize I am clutching cash again in that same hand. Didn't I just hand that to the conductor?

My body, suspended for a moment in space an time, is suddenly thrown back against the seat with an unseen g-force. I slowly put the pieces together. And, with a rainbow of lights now relentlessly flashing past my eyes, I think with that same adult terror as earlier;

An Infinity Train?