The Heart of a Hunter

Oh rats, I’m dead. Dead. There’s no coming back from that realization. No coming back, period.

But I have no idea why I’m here in this soggy barn — listening to drip drip drips accumulate into puddles. I shiver. What's my purpose for lingering, why haven’t I crossed over? I’m having trouble recalling much at all…

And that’s when I look towards the rafters and see her.

My memories slap me as if I’m some fool who doesn’t deserve to remember. And it’s like I have a beating and bloody heart again.

Oh Luna, I’ve left you, my darling. How could I have let this happen?

As if on cue, she swivels her heart-shaped face in my direction and seems to see right through me with her wide eyes. Axl, my love? Are you there? Where have you been? I need you!

She senses my presence — we’ve always had a special connection. The kind that transcends time and makes life feel significant. Thankfully, she doesn’t see me, nor does she understand my now crippling state of non-existence. I’m glad — I don’t want her to see me for the failure that I am. I can’t break her heart, not in her condition.

Luna captivates me — even now, with her excess padding and moulting. She gently shifts her weight over her eggs. Our eggs. They’re soon to hatch, too. Which means… oh no. What have I done, leaving them like this?!

Luna, how long have I been gone? When’s the last time you ate?

Though maybe it’s not too dire, as she hasn’t abandoned her nest just yet. But damn — then again, Luna is the stubborn type who’d likely keel over before she’d give up on her brood. A trait I find most admirable. And annoying.

I know my purpose. My unfinished business. No one will die. Nuh uh. Not today. Aside from me, of course.

As if perfectly timed, the first hint of moonlight streams through a crack between the planks of the roof and kisses Luna’s flat black eyes with a sparkle. Excellent. It’s hunting hour.

Usually I would go out to the fields where there’s plenty of voles, but I want to keep an eye on Luna. Mice will have to do. I fly upwards to get a good vantage point. Something is stalking behind piles of hay and a tawny striped tail appears. Oh no you don’t, you vile creature. Don’t you dare threaten the food supply.

A mouse skitters across the floor and I swoop down, my focus crisp, my movements stealth. He’s mine. I outstretch my talons — and they pass right through the rodent. ARGH!

But what did I expect would happen?!

For a split second, it seems as if the mouse glances up at me in a taunting way until a whiskered mouth chomps down and it dies in one fell crunch. Shit.

I perch on a beam and examine my translucent talons that seem to pulsate and itch all at once. A phantom longing that I can never scratch again.

Luna stirs. I look on as she abandons the nest, clearly needing to hunt for herself. Oh this is bad. This is really bad.

I do the only thing that I can think of in my helplessness and fly to the nest of dried pellets. I can’t warm the eggs myself, nor defend them, but pacing around in circles is all I can do to lessen my own state of unrest.

Luna returns in a flash and I stumble to the side and glide away before she might sense me there. She’s got herself a meal. More a snack, really. She swallows it whole and far too quickly regurgitates a teeny pellet. Only one mouse isn’t enough to feed her for the night, but I doubt she’ll want to leave the nest again a second and third time.

My darling, I won’t let you down. We’ve always been a team. We’re in this together. Plus I’m a hunter, through and through. I’ll find a way.

I think back to the mouse that I tried to grasp… he knew I was there, I’m sure of it. Suddenly I realize that all my prey sense death, and it has nothing to do with the fact that I’ve passed — it’s that death is what I represent. Alive or dead, they feel me coming for them. Maybe I can make them run in the direction I want them to?

I spot a few mice communing up in the rafters, on the other end of the beam that Luna is on. So I fly to where they are and hover only a breath above them. Just as I had hoped, they take off in a frenzy and I follow along right on their tails. Yes! Scamper, you fools! Head straight for Luna.

A split second before the lot races smack dab into the nest, the mice change course and go over the side and underneath the beam, running upside down. All but one unfortunate mouse who clearly was an imbecile before his impending death. It’s almost too easy — Luna doesn’t even budge from the nest, but leans down to scoop him up in her beak. Success!

Although I would’ve preferred to supply her with at least two mice, one is better than none. If I can do that one more time tonight, Luna will be well fed. I can do this.

By the time she finishes eating, a tiny beak and head appears through a hole in one of the eggs. Wait — what?! I must not have noticed the crack and the hatching in progress when I was circling the nest earlier. Wow, my very first offspring. I watch and wait in awe, choking back an overwhelming feeling I can’t describe.

And I’ve never felt more alive.

Before I realize it, the first breath of dawn breaks the silence in the sky. And the owlet is out of the egg, softly cooing and seemingly healthy. The moment stands still, and all I want to do is give into my overwhelming urge to go to Luna, to nuzzle her cheek.

But reality punches me in the gut: there’s now more mouths to feed. Luna hasn’t even eaten her fill yet. And it’s dawn! How could I have wasted so much time?!

In a panic, I search for more mice on rafters that I can herd. None over here… nor here… nor anywhere. Wherever they’ve gone, they’re nowhere near Luna.

New plan. But what’s the plan? What can I do? Think, think, think. Come on now, you used to be wise. You’re known for it.

And then it hits me: I simply know what must be done, and it’s the one thing I fear the most. The thing that shatters me at my very core. I take a much needed moment to compose myself before I venture off.

Where’s the rest of our parliament? I go searching for the others. Thankfully, I don’t fly far, as a few of them are just outside the barn, bringing back their final kills of the night. And there he is: the one I’m seeking. Ozwald.

Ugh, but just look at this cock. Bobbing around like some doofus. I’m not even sure he’s all there. Do I really want this? I used to keep him far from Luna, especially since I’d see him eye her up. But what choice do I have?

I don’t think Ozwald will sense my presence like Luna did, nor even the crumb-brained mice for that matter. So I’ve got to get creative to get his attention. Maybe he’ll hear me?

I soar over to him. Whooooo whooooo… I hiss, scream and cry at him until it becomes a game of follow-the-leader. Yep, follow the sound of my voice. Follow! I hear the faint rustle of his wings behind me. Here we go — we’re off. I lead him into the barn and straight to Luna.

But that idiot stops and perches on the beam a foot away. And just stares blankly.

He blinks.

He blinks again.

You dummy! It was me you heard! I’m dead! Even Luna has already caught on, I can see it in her eyes.

I kick Ozwald, but it’s pointless as I pass right through him. Though it makes me feel a little better, if I’m being honest. He’s really ruffling my feathers.

Finally there’s a shard of recognition in his expression and all at once he lights up and stands a little taller. Ozwald prances over to Luna and drops a dead vole from his mouth, then bends down and nudges it towards her with his beak. At least the guy knows chivalry. And how to hunt.

It’s a no-brainer knowing that he’d take to Luna so quickly — she’s so unbelievably lovely with all her markings and grace. But will she accept him? Come on, come on Luna. If not for our owlets, if not for you… do it for me.

Luna stands and eventually leans in and preens Ozwald’s forehead. Something she did for me all the time. And now him.

I still can’t remember exactly how I died — but this. This must be worse than the act of dying itself.

Thankfully Ozwald backs away and takes off — clearly going for as many more kills as he can to bring back to Luna while the sun still simmers low in the sky.

And I’m left standing there, staring at my beauty. My love. My past. Drinking in her essence while I can.

Axl, thank you. I’ll put up with that doofus, for your sake. At least until such time we meet again, in the great beyond.

I feel something at my back. A lightness. Peace. And blinding white nothingness all at once. I reluctantly turn away, tearing my eyes from her.

This has been an evening filled with firsts — and lasts. Yet again, I’m faced with a choice. And as a creature of the night, normally I wouldn’t be caught dead

going

into

the

light…