The Goo-Master's Apprentice

Josef stared at the glass jar resting on the shelf. He remembered hearing adults whisper about the goo at night, about the bubbling vats, and about the strange ingredients flowing from distant lands towards Mr. Mulgenbeard’s famed laboratory. It had soaked into his mind, the sheer mystery of it all.

Eventually, for some, the goo lost its magic. Josef’s friends began to dream of becoming glorious sellswords or keen-eyed prophets, but there was something about the goo that had fixed itself in Josef’s mind. When asked by his friends “why all this about the goo, Josef?”, he would shrug his shoulders. But if asked again he would go on and on about how the goo was the truth of the world, the great mystery, the sacred creation whose secret he would give his life to discover.

And so now here he was, polishing jars to a pristine glimmer, making them sparkle and shine, trying his best to fulfill his destiny. The problem was he never imagined that his destiny would be so boring.

He sighed and scanned the tower’s fourth floor. It was no bigger than a dining room, with a door to the north leading to their sleeping quarters and a door to the south leading to the vat room. In the center was a gargantuan worktable, greased and cracked from years of use. Massive shelves hulked high against every wall and contained glass jars and vials of every shape imaginable. A gentle breeze flew in from an open window.

“Josef!” cried the Mr. Mulgenbeard, the goo-master.

Josef put down the cloth and hurried over. “Yes, Mr. Mulgenbeard.”

“How in the name of gingersnaps and horsewhistles have you not finished wiping those jars yet?” Mr. Mulgenbeard cocked his head to the side, his eye twitched.

Josef swallowed. “I want to make sure I do a good job?” Josef knew that this was not the answer that Mr. Mulgenbeard wanted to hear. He also knew that it was one of the few answers that would save him from the brewing wand’s sting.

“Keep this up Josef and you shall be a goo apprentice forever!”

Josef shuddered. It was the last thing in the world that he wanted.

“The goo must be made, Josef. It must be made on time and it must be made perfectly. I expect to see all of these jars gleaming before nightfall.”

Sandra stifled a laugh.

Josef turned and glowered at the other goo-apprentice. Last month Sandra had been honored with the extra charge of portioning out select ingredients for the goo. She’d gloated, immensely. Josef despised her for this, but he’d promised to himself that he would never give in to her antics.

What he truly wanted was to make the goo himself. He wanted to dash the ingredients together, follow the secret stirring motions, and make the most perfect, most amazing goo that Mr. Mulgenbeard had ever seen. More often than Josef dared to admit, he’d imagined Mr. Mulgenbeard crying in astonishment as he smelled the perfect scent and saw the perfect color of his perfectly-concocted goo.

A dirty rag plopped on Josef’s face.

Sandra was laughing, holding her ribcage and heaving like a mule. “You,” she gasped between fits of laughter, “are the worst goo-apprentice ever, Josef.”

Removing the rag from his face, Josef turned and saw that Mr. Mulgenbeard had left the room to check the vats. He detested talk between his apprentices and so Sandra had waited the appropriate amount of footsteps before launching into her attack. It also helped that Mr. Mulgenbeard was half-deaf.

Josef fumed. He wanted to tell Sandra she was an evil quack and that a dark future lay ahead of her, but deep down he knew that such a rebuke would only make her laugh harder. He returned to polishing the jars and contented himself with chucking her rag out the window.

By nightfall all of the jars were gleaming. Josef lay on his back and dreamt of how great his life would be once he had his own goo-shop and could be his own goo-master. He also replayed the shrieking sound Sandra made as her rag fluttered out the window and down below to the town square.

Before sending them off for the evening, Mr. Mulgenbeard had informed them that he had to make an important delivery tomorrow and that he would need help removing the casks from the tower. The Rosecloak had apparently sent some of his finest sentries to accompany the goo on its journey, and Mr. Mulgenbeard had explained that it was up to Josef and Sandra to remove the goo from the tower without any prying eyes. The secrets of the goo, he had intoned, must be preserved at all costs.

Neither he nor Sandra had been given such an opportunity before. Josef knew that it was his time to shine. He actually became giddy thinking about the townsfolk seeing him handling the goo casks. It was a prized position within the town, for it was a stable calling and did not involve direct bloodshed.

The next morning Josef awoke to the sound of ten roosters crowing. Briefly, he imagined breaking an egg into Sandra’s hair and then rolled out of bed.

He dressed quickly and ran down the spiral staircase to the meal hall which as on the second floor. He glugged down his porridge directly from the bowl itself and then sprinted back up to the laboratory.

Mr. Mulgenbeard had already prepared the casks of goo. “These five,” he said, tapping each with the palm of his hand. “They will need to be tipped on their side and then rolled carefully down the spiral staircase.”

Josef looked to the left and then to the right. “I wonder where Sandra is?” he asked, hoping to draw Mr. Mulgenbeard’s attention to her tardiness.

“She’s helping the sentries ready the wagon.”

Josef shrank. Once again, she was one step ahead of him. He was doing his best to earn Mr. Mulgenbeard’s regard but somehow it was never enough. Sandra.

Mr. Mulgenbeard snapped his fingers. “Josef! Pay attention. Go find Sandra and bring her here. We need to commence the transfer.” He then shooed him away.

Josef knew that this was his chance to show Mr. Mulgenbeard just what he was capable of. Five casks down a staircase, that was it. This thought picked up Josef’s spirits and sent him soaring down all four levels of the spiral staircase.

He ran up to the wagon and shouted Sandra’s name. “We’ve got to roll the barrels now.”

Sandra sniffed and then walked in a direct line back to the tower. Josef followed her.

“We can’t mess this up,” said Josef walking behind her.

“What’s there to mess up?” Sandra replied without breaking her stride.

Josef paused. “Well, the goo, of course.”

“We’re just rolling casks, Josef. You dream of all the mistakes, don’t you? This explains so much.”

“I’m just being cautious, Sandra.”

“You’re scared of being an apprentice goo-maker for the rest of your life, aren’t you?”

She had a way of saying things that made his brain burst. Josef swiveled himself in front of her. “Stop right there. Now listen, just because you think that—”

But Sandra plowed right through him. “You’re going to end up like Jeremy.”

Josef spun towards her as she started ascending the staircase. “Jeremy?”

She turned her head and raised an eyebrow. “Oh? You haven’t heard? Well, I guess we can peer into your future for a short second.” She turned and faced him. “He was Mr. Mulgenbeard’s first goo apprentice. I’ve only heard stories, but let’s just say that he was an apprentice for a very long time. And then one day…”

“One day what?”

Sandra shrugged before continuing. “He vanished.” A thin smile then spread across Sandra’s face before she turned and danced up the staircase.

Josef followed after her. Mr. Mulgenbeard was waiting for them and watched as they squeezed through the laboratory’s doorway at the same time.

He eyed Sandra and then he eyed Josef before beginning his instructions. “First you’ll shimmy the cask through doorway. Then you’ll gently, very gently, tip it on to its side, and then,” he said, pausing and making sure that they were both listening, “I want both of you to walk backwards down the staircase with both of your hands on the cask. In no world, past, present, or future, should a cask of goo proceed you down the staircase.”

Sandra was the first to speak. “Yes, Mr. Mulgenbeard.” She curtsied despite not even wearing a dress.

Josef bowed awkwardly.

“I also want a full clean down of this place tonight. The laboratory and the vat room as well. If I see a speck of dust upon returning, I’ll hang you from the window.”

Josef couldn’t be sure if he was joking or not, but he knew that he desperately needed to get back in Mr. Mulgenbeard’s good books or else he’d be polishing jars for the rest of his life.

Mr. Mulgenbeard grabbed his rucksack and tottered out the same doors they’d just entered.

Together they shimmied the cask and then plopped it on its side. They then began the treacherous descent down the spiral staircase. It was slow going and Josef kept glancing anxiously behind himself to make sure that no random tools or items had been left lying around. As far as he could tell, it was all clear.

After a few minutes they’d reached the bottom. Josef wiped his brow and patted the barrel.

Mr. Mulgenbeard was talking to the guards and gave Josef and Sandra a hesitant nod. They scurried back up and did the same until there was only one left.

“Last one,” Josef said, feeling the sweat cling to his chest.

Sandra began to whistle her dreadful tune as they rolled the last cask, stair by stair, down to the ground floor. She paused and then looked at Josef.

“C’mon Sandra,” said Josef, huffing. “This is the last one, we’re almost done.” They were already down two stories but had two more to go.

“Do you like my whistling, Josef?” asked Sandra.

Josef was flustered. He just wanted to get this last cask down to Mr. Mulgenbeard and be continue his journey towards goo-mastery. “Your whistling is fine, Sandra. Let’s just get this over with.”

“Two goo apprentices, one goo master,” said Sandra as if pronouncing an ultimate truth.

“Huh?”

Sandra took her hands off the cask. Josef buckled under the new weight.

“Sandra! What are you doing?” Josef cried out as he watched her tiptoe around the cask.

She rested her heel on its backside. “Mr. Mulgenbeard knows how clumsy you are Josef.”

Josef made to say something, but it was too late. Sandra wound back her leg and slammed her heel into the cask.

The weight was too much. Josef flew head over heels down the staircase with the cask bumbling after him. Sandra gave off a fake shriek as both Josef and the cask bounced down the staircase and careened off every wall. Josef held his breath until the sickening crack of wood echoed throughout the tower.

His chest collapsed. His breathing stopped. There was silence, and, for a second, Josef believed that another sound might never emerge from the world.

But a sound did emerge. It was Mr. Mulgenbeard screaming at the top of his lungs. “Josef! Sandra! What foul-bellied misdemeanor has taken place in my premises!”

Josef didn’t move. He heard Sandra giggling behind him. He heard Mr. Mulgenbeard enter the tower and gasp.

Josef felt his throat close up. How could Sandra do that? Didn’t she realize she was going to get it as well? They were both going to get chucked out of the tower forever.

“Come down here this instant!” cried out Mr. Mulgenbeard.

Josef picked himself up from the stairs and shot a glance back at Sandra. She was practicing looking aggrieved.

But before Josef could say anything, she shot by him and grabbed Mr. Mulgenbeard’s sleeve. “I’m so sorry Mr. Mulgenbeard. I did my best but poor Josef tripped—we both know how feeble he is—and I did my best to keep the cask from falling but it was too much.” Sandra then indulged herself in an impressive display of sobbing.

Josef couldn’t move his mouth. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Mr. Mulgenbeard was patting Sandra’s head.

Then Mr. Mulgenbeard’s gaze fell on Josef. “Can’t clean, can’t carry goo.” He shook his head.

“It was Sandra—”

“I don’t want to hear it. Look at this,” Mr. Mulgenbeard said swinging his hand out around him. There was goo everywhere, bright, prismatic pink goo. It was all over the floor and the door frame. A great slopping had even splattered out onto the street.

“But she kicked the cask!” Josef said, gesturing wildly at Sandra.

Sandra grinned at her deed being named but quickly took action. “An active imagination that one has. Always daydreaming while polishing those jars.”

Josef felt a firestorm of rage channel up through his stomach. He was shaking, but Mr. Mulgenbeard’s icy glare sliced deep into his soul.

“I must leave for the capital. One cask short. The Rosecloak will not be pleased. My demand stands that the laboratory be spotless when I return. This includes the present mess, Josef. We will discuss the future when I return.”

Everything that Josef had worked so hard for was in jeopardy. He was in his room and he was holding his apprentice’s manual in his hand. He felt the tattered cover with his fingers. He couldn’t even begin to count the number of times he’d read through its worn pages.

He couldn’t believe what Sandra had done. Just moments before he almost screamed at both Sandra and Mr. Mulgenbeard, but luckily he’d restrained himself at the last moment and instead fled to the sanctuary of his meager chamber.

Two apprentices, One Master. Sandra’s words echoed in his mind. She knew exactly what she was doing. She wanted to get rid of him. She wanted to be Mr. Mulgenbeard’s only apprentice, which meant that she’d eventually become a goo-maker herself. Josef felt his rage returning.

He still needed to go out and clean up the mess downstairs. What was he going to do? His dreams of becoming a master goo-maker were quickly fading. Sandra’s sabotage had been decisive. She was good.

Josef remembered the lesson Mr. Mulgenbeard had given him when he first arrived at the tower. Know that the goo is sacred. He had believed that up until this precise moment. He’d even believed it when Sandra had repeated the same lesson to him moments later, effectively treating him like her own apprentice.

Well, he would be her apprentice no more. Goo had other uses, and he had a plan.

Sandra always ate early and so he knew that he would have to act fast. He left his bed and crept into the laboratory. From a nearby shelf he grabbed a small dropper and then continued into the back room where the vats of goo were kept. He slunk between the bubbling glass vats and climbed up a ladder leaning against the most ripened batch.

Heavy boards crisscrossed over the tops and between each of the vats. Mr. Mulgenbeard used them as walkways to keep tabs on how his latest batch was progressing. They wobbled treacherously as Josef crouched down to get closer to their simmering surface.

His hand was shaking as he steered the dropper closer and closer to the sparkling goo. He’d never been this close to it before. Doing so was strictly against Mr. Mulgenbeard’s orders and would mean banishment, for eternity, if he was caught.

A slight tremor of exhilaration sprang through Josef’s body as the dropper broke the goo’s surface. He squeezed the nub to suck in some of the bubbling liquid.

There it was. Brilliant pink goo. Life-sap of the world. Josef’s eyes grew wide.

“What are you doing in here?”

Josef startled. It was Sandra. He spun and deftly tucked the dropper into his belt. “What do you think I’m doing? I’m cleaning.”

Sandra looked at him. “I don’t see a rag.”

Josef didn’t miss a beat. “I’m just looking to see what the damage is. We don’t have much time to clean this place to perfection before Mr. Mulgenbeard returns.” He made no reference to their previous incident, knowing that it would only bring Sandra more satisfaction. He needed her to think that she had him under her control.

Sandra huffed and left the room. Josef knew that it was now or never. Sandra always ate dinner at the same time. Always used the same plate, the same cutlery. Even the same goblet. Apprentices were allowed a teeny slosh of pear wine. That’s where he would get her.

He descended the ladder and ran into his room to grab his apprentice’s manual. He would need a reason to be down in the dining hall so early. He put the tome under his arm and went downstairs.

He entered the hall and located Sandra’s preferred goblet amidst the clanking of pots and pans echoing from the kitchen. He hesitated, but then pinched a drop of goo into her cup. That would be enough. While goo was known as the ultimate preservative, how it managed its preservation was something else entirely. He knew that even a single drop was extremely potent. Sandra was in for quite the night.

Josef sat at the table and busied himself reading his apprentice’s workbook. Sandra entered the room. She smiled at him in an unpleasant way that effectively communicated her disdain for his entire being. Josef hid the smirk spreading across his face. A prickle of impending guilt did nip at his mind, but the brutal humiliation from Sandra’s earlier treachery was still all too fresh. He would not deviate from his plan.

A few more apprentices from the other floors entered the room talking to one another. He looked on as Sandra grabbed the goo-laced goblet. Josef held his breath. This was it. It wouldn’t be long before Sandra made an absolute fool of herself and was flung out onto the street.

Josef pushed his face into his book to hide his excitement. He’d never seen someone under the goo’s effects, but he’d read that a single thimbleful was more than enough.

The ring of cutlery and plates banging on the table brought Josef back from his book. He looked up and saw Sandra sitting across from him.

“I’m so glad that you’ve decided to eat dinner early tonight, Josef,” Sandra said, taking a dainty sip from her goblet. Josef’s eyes widened. “I’ve brought you your meal as well.” She pushed a bowl of carrot soup towards him. “I figured I should see you off properly since it will most likely be the last night you spend here.”

Josef grabbed the bowl and stifled another fit of laughter. “Why thank you, Sandra,” he said as calmly as possible. It made complete sense to him that she’d take this opportunity to rub his failure in his face. He was still so angry at her, but he couldn’t wait till she made a fool of herself thanks to the drop of goo.

Sandra took another drink from her goblet while Josef took in a spoonful of carrot stew. Her hand suddenly came to her head.

A smile blossomed on Josef’s face. “Are you alright, Sandra?”

She winced and shook herself. The goo was definitely having an effect. Josef leaned in close. He couldn’t help himself. “Ever tasted goo before?”

Sandra wavered. Her eyes dilated. Then she laughed.

For a full second, Josef was absolutely confused, but then a strange sensation started to percolate in his head, his vision started to spin.

Sandra laughed again, this time louder, drawing the attention of the entire dining hall. She put her hand to her mouth. “We’ve poisoned each other.”

Josef spat out a glob of carrot stew. He stared at his bowl and then at Sandra’s face as she snorted and burst into another fit of laughter. The room was spinning. A queasiness rumbled in his stomach as Sandra continued to laugh.

Leaving his soup where it was, Josef ran out of the dining hall and back towards the laboratory.

Sandra thrust herself out of her chair and ran behind him. “I know where you’re going! It’s locked. We won’t be able to get into it.”

“We?” said Josef, turning his head as he ran to look back at her. “Just because we poisoned each other doesn’t mean we’re suddenly on a team.”

Josef flung himself into the laboratory and continued back towards the vat room. Sandra was fast on his heels. Everything was spinning and a peculiar mishmash of rainbow colors swam in his vision.

He heard Sandra collapse on the stone floor behind him. She screamed. “All I can see are gophers everywhere!” Josef looked and saw her crawling on her knees and bashing her open palm down on the floor, presumably at imaginary gopher holes.

He was running out of time. He shook himself and continued into the vat room but not before crashing into the door frame. He winced as a profusion of colors and shapes danced in front of his eyes.

Gritting his teeth, he climbed up the nearest ladder and planted his feet on the boards. He looked down and saw that Sandra had managed to locate the same ladder and was climbing up.

Everything blurred. He spun this way and that, the room itself feeling queasy. He was so close. He stumbled forward, seesawing back and forth.

Mr. Mulgenbeard was lazy in his own way. He always stored his master’s manual in the same bejeweled box, but he never locked it for easy access. Josef had never dared to peek inside, until now.

Boards crashed behind him as he opened the chest and removed the book. Despite the effects of the goo, he felt a surge of excitement as he flipped from page to page. Every single thing he’d ever wanted to know was contained inside. He was looking at it. Diagrams and tables and paragraph after paragraph of writing filled the tome and his mind.

He gasped. There it was. In big bold letters were the words ANTIDOTE.

Suddenly an arm wrapped itself around his throat. Sandra was on his back and was trying to claw herself towards the book. “Aren’t you a big gopher,” she said, still hallucinating. “Give Sandra book!”

Josef spoke. It was strange. He heard his voice as if from a great distance. “No book is Josef’s.”

Everything slowed down. They spun. He could feel Sandra’s knees digging into his ribs. Boards clanked.

“Off me,” was all that Josef could say.

“Anti,” said Sandra

“Dote” said Josef and he felt his foot catch. He felt his entire mass twisting in the air and he heard Sandra whispering gopher, gopher, gopher softly into his ear.

It wasn’t until the next morning that Mr. Mulgenbeard climbed up the winding staircase and returned to his laboratory. Everything was in order, and his spirits had improved. The Rosecloak had been understanding and Mr. Mulgenbeard had reminisced on his way home about all mistakes he’d made as a young apprentice and had resolved to forgive Sandra, and Josef especially, for their mistake.

He put his rucksack down on the worn table and started a small fire for a batch of tea. While waiting for the water to boil he decided to check on his goo, to see how it was doing.

He went to the back room and saw them. They were staring at each other. The book between them. They were so still and so silent in the vat of goo. His apprentices.