The Girl Chasing the Wind

The Girl Chasing the windmill-A Room with Don Quixote

---------SHENLANSE

She passed away

It's been a long time since I visited a night market. The hustle and bustle were unimaginable, with crowds of people and a constant flow of cars. Even the famous night markets of Bangkok probably couldn't compare. Seeing the greasy floors made me feel nauseous, losing my appetite instantly. A few stalls selling ice jelly with extravagant claims of being "world-class" were incredibly popular, drawing large crowds. Walking through the street felt like observing the masses. Guanghan is such a city, where the atmosphere is permeated with a sense of exaggeration. Everyone seems to have an inherent sense of flamboyance, even the ice jelly stalls boast banners claiming to be the best in the universe. It's quite amusing when you think about it.

“Peng, long time no see!” a woman's voice called out beside me. I turned to look, thinking, who is this? She looked familiar, but I couldn't recall. Seeing my awkward expression, she continued, “Don’t you remember me? I’m Hu Lei, you used to buy clothes from us all the time.”

“Oh, of course I remember you,” I responded casually. “You've changed a lot.”

“Gotten fatter?”

“No, you've become best,” I joked. “Women with a bit of a fuller figure are the best.”

She laughed so hard her eyes turned into slits.

“What have you been up to lately?” I asked.

“Since having kids, I've been working at an insurance company,” she replied slowly.

“That's great. Do you sell car insurance? My policy is about to expire. Help me out with your sales,” I said.

“Yes, I handle both commercial and car insurance. I'll give you a quote...” She started talking non-stop, a typical trait of an insurance salesperson, I thought.

“Have you kept in touch with Lü Xiaoran?” I suddenly asked.

“You didn’t know? She passed away six months ago.” She hesitated before answering.

It was nearly the May Day holiday, and the weather in Sichuan was unusually hot, almost like summer had come early. But at that moment, I felt a chill run through me. “What happened? I didn’t know she had passed away,” I asked.

“She had depression and committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning.”

I couldn't hear anything she said afterward, nor did I know how I reached my car. I slumped in my seat for a long time. It was as if time had stood still, and my thoughts drifted back to the first time I met Lü Xiaoran.

Hi, my name is Lü Xiaoran.

Driving home, my mind started to replay the events of the past years, and memories began to become clearer. Many forgotten details suddenly resurfaced. Life is strange that way. I thought many times that our paths would never cross again, but when I heard the news of her death, I couldn't help but shed tears.

"Hi, my name is Lü Xiaoran." This is the first sentence I remember her saying to me. It was summer that year. I went to a clothing store I frequented to buy some T-shirts. Since I visited this store often, I was familiar with the staff, and they greeted me warmly. Today, Hu Lei was the one helping me.

"Hey, we just got some new arrivals. There are printed ones and embroidered ones. Which color do you like? I'll find your size," Hu Lei said, flipping through the clothes on the rack.

At that time, we weren't very familiar with each other. She didn't even know my last name. In their line of work, they always called people "ge" if they were familiar, and "handsome" if they weren't. After trying on a few clothes, I decided to check out. As I was about to pay, I noticed a girl walking in from the corner of my eye but didn't pay much attention. The girl went straight to Hu Lei, and they started chatting. It was clear she wasn't there to buy clothes; she was Hu Lei's friend, and they were discussing where to have dinner after work.

I took a good look at her. She was about 170 cm tall, maybe 166-168 cm, because I am 175 cm, and she wasn't much shorter than me. It's rare for girls in Sichuan to be that tall, so she stood out in the crowd. They were laughing and chatting, and I watched until the cashier reminded me to enter my credit card PIN. They also noticed me staring in their direction and laughed, making me feel very embarrassed. After paying, I hurriedly left. I sneaked a glance from outside; she was wearing something like a skirt suit, but what stood out the most was her black stockings. I guessed she worked at a jewelry store. Her face still had some youthful innocence, but her heavy makeup gave her an appearance of maturity that didn't match her age. I didn't think much of it and quickly left.

Over the next few months, I occasionally went back to the store to buy clothes but didn't see her again and gradually forgot about it. About half a year later, while buying milk tea, someone called out to me from behind.

"Hey, you're here too? Do you drink milk tea?" I turned around to see Hu Lei and her friend standing behind me in line.

"I drink it occasionally," I replied.

"I think most guys don't drink milk tea. Is it for your girlfriend?" Hu Lei asked with a strange look in her eyes.

"Guys like me don't have girlfriends. I just buy it for myself," I joked.

"Hey, we got a lot of new arrivals recently. Come check them out when you have time," Hu Lei said.

"You're such a super employee, promoting sales everywhere. I'll come over the weekend. Do you also like milk tea?" I asked.

"By the way, what's your name? I'll make a VIP profile for you. You’ll get discounts and birthday gifts, and we’ll notify you of any promotions," Hu Lei said, taking out her phone and a notebook, ready to write down my details. Her friend had already gone to find a seat.

"My name is Wang Peng. I've been here so many times, and you still don't know my name. No sense of observation," I joked.

"I heard Qi Mei call you Peng before. Come, sit down and fill out this form for me," Hu Lei said, pulling me to the table her friend had found.

I sat facing her friend, who smiled at me.

"I have a form here. Do you want to fill it out yourself, or should I write it down for you?" Hu Lei asked.

"Why fill it out in such detail? Just a name, phone number, and maybe a birthday should be enough. Why include hobbies and favorite movies? Who can remember that?" I said, looking at the form.

"It's for better service. Knowing your preferences helps us give you more personalized gifts," Hu Lei explained.

"Just fill it out casually. I can't remember all that. Is this your friend? Wasn't she at the store that day?" I asked Hu Lei.

"Your memory is selective. You can't remember filling out the form, but you remember the pretty girl," Hu Lei teased with a strange look.

I was momentarily speechless, feeling my face flush. Just then, her friend spoke for the first time.

"Hi, I'm Lü Xiaoran. It was my birthday that day, and we were planning where to go for dinner."

"Oh, happy birthday," I said awkwardly, not knowing what else to say.

They kept laughing, and I don't remember how we left after that.

It's time for a good sleep.

I snapped out of my reverie as I arrived home. I locked the car and got into the elevator. At my door, I found a wet wipe in my backpack and wiped my face, not wanting anyone to notice I had been crying. When I opened the door, I saw my girlfriend, Chen Yili, watching TV in the living room.

“Ready for dinner? It's all set,” she said, motioning for me to join her.

I nodded and headed to the bedroom to change. During dinner, I was distracted. Chen Yili noticed something was off and asked softly, “What’s wrong? You seem out of sorts today.”

I forced a smile. “Nothing, just tired from work.” I didn't want her to know what had happened today.

“Do you want to go to bed early? You don't look well,” she said with concern.

“Maybe later,” I replied, picking at my food without much appetite.

After dinner, while Chen Yili did the dishes, I sat on the couch, lost in thought. The familiar opening music of the evening news started, and the faces of the newscasters appeared on the screen. Not even a second had passed before I angrily turned off the TV and threw the remote onto the table.

I took out my phone and opened a locked album filled with photos of Lü Xiaoran. She loved taking pictures, sometimes even provocative ones, which she would send to me from time to time over the years. As I looked at her various poses in the photos, I felt a deep sense of irony. I scrolled through our chat history, trying to find her last WeChat post, which I guessed was made on the day she died. It was a photo with a caption. In the photo, she was lying down with a gentle smile and her eyes closed. The caption read, "It's time for a good sleep."

It seemed she took the picture herself, holding the phone above her head. This "good sleep" turned out to be her last, as she had planned it to be.

“What are you looking at?” Chen Yili's voice suddenly came from behind, startling me. I hurriedly locked my phone screen.

“Nothing, just some design sketches,” I replied, trying to sound nonchalant.

Fortunately, Chen Yili didn't press the issue and went to work on her computer. Once she was occupied, I took out my phone again and continued scrolling through Lü Xiaoran's photos. I decided to start from the beginning, as I had never deleted our chat history. We had met before WeChat became popular, so I opened my old QQ messages to continue my search.

I found the first photo she had sent me. She was wearing the same work uniform from the day we met, and the background looked like a café. My memory took me back to that day.

It was our first time meeting alone. After exchanging contacts at the milk tea shop, we started texting frequently within a week. I was single and genuinely liked her, but she always seemed a bit mysterious. Her responses often showed an understanding beyond her years, so I had to act more mature as well.

We chatted back and forth on QQ, and finally agreed to meet for drinks one weekend. She said she was free on Saturday afternoon, as she worked at a jewelry store with a rotating schedule and didn't have weekends off. She finished work at 2 PM on Saturdays and didn't have to work again until the next morning. We decided to meet at a nearby café.

When we sat down, we continued our conversation from QQ. I learned a lot about her. She had started working right after middle school at the age of 15, beginning at a cosmetics store and later moving between various jobs. Throughout our conversation, she spoke to me in a sisterly tone, even though I was six years older than her. But that didn't matter. I liked her, and she seemed interested in getting to know me better too.

As an interior designer, I brought up some professional topics, and she could keep up, at least tangentially.

“You know quite a bit, even about CAD drawings,” I remarked.

“I studied at a vocational school for a while. My major was computer science, so I learned some CAD. I also know the basics of OFFICE software. I used to make inventory sheets for the cosmetics store,” she said proudly.

“Wow! Making those sheets must be tough,” I said.

“No, the templates were provided by the boss, but no one else knew how to use a computer to input the data, so I did it,” she laughed.

“Pfft, I thought it was something impressive. Entering data is easy,” I teased, pretending to be unimpressed.

She laughed, pretending to be angry. “Hey, I was the only one in the store who could do it.”

As we talked, her phone rang. She glanced at it, then at me, hesitating before answering. “Hello, Wu? I’m at the Joy Luck Café on Nanjing Road. Uh-huh, with a friend. Are you coming over? Oh, okay, call me tonight then.” She hung up and turned to me. “That was my former boss from the cosmetics store, also my ex-boyfriend.”

My heart sank a little, but I tried not to show it.

If you keep acting so weird, I'll have to fix that weirdness for you.

I shifted my gaze from the photo to our chat log from the day we left the café.

Lü: Why didn’t you reply to my messages?

Me: Oh, I was busy and didn’t notice.

Lü: You seem different.

Me: What do you mean?

Lü: Women's intuition is strong. I sensed something was off when we left this afternoon. Is it because of my ex?

That was pretty much the gist of our conversation. Clearly, I felt uneasy at the time, wondering why she still seemed so close with her ex. She explained that after such a long time together, there were still unresolved issues.

We met a few more times after that, but she was always busy, either texting or taking calls. Despite her calm demeanor and apparent interest in our conversations, our relationship remained ambiguous. We used words like "miss you" in our chats, but it wasn't quite a full-fledged romance.

Over the following weeks, I used my connections to learn more about her background. In a small city, this wasn’t too difficult. She came from a modest working-class family in a nearby town. Her parents weren’t well-educated and couldn’t offer her much guidance. After leaving school, she worked at a large cosmetics wholesale store in the city, rumored to be owned by a boss with underworld ties who had set it up for his wife. Due to these connections, the store did quite well. During her time there, the boss took a liking to her and made her his mistress.

I confronted her directly: “How did that happen? He's much older than you. How did you two even connect?”

“I don’t know. He was just really nice to me. I didn’t understand much at the time and felt happy with him. Eventually, I realized it wasn’t right and distanced myself, even changing jobs. But he kept finding excuses to meet up, sometimes just for tea or karaoke. I didn’t know how to refuse,” she explained.

I understood she was young and naive when she started working, easily falling for the attention of someone powerful. However, this revelation made me see her differently. I still liked her, but I began to feel conflicted, questioning her purity. I started to distance myself, which only made her more anxious, bombarding me with messages. I became somewhat arrogant, and Hu Yao even asked why I was ignoring her, mentioning that she had cried a few times and had broken up with Zhao long ago. Hu Yao told me that Lü Xiaoran really liked me.

Even when we met again, I began to use harsh words to provoke her. One afternoon, we met at a multifunctional café known for its privacy, with curtains separating each seating area. It wasn’t soundproof, but it was a popular spot for couples.

“What’s your deal? If you keep acting weird, I’ll have to fix that weirdness for you,” she started.

“Excuse me, may I interrupt?” The waiter’s voice came from outside, and he opened the curtain to serve our order. “Please enjoy. If you need anything, press the red button on the table.” We nodded, and he left.

“Spill it. Are you pretending to be weird?” Lü Xiaoran continued.

“I’m not pretending. What’s so weird about me?” I feigned innocence.

“Then why do you barely respond to my messages?”

“I did respond, to every single one,” I lied.

She immediately pulled out her phone, opening QQ and scrolling through our messages. “I sent so many, and you barely replied to a tenth of them. Still saying you're not being weird?”

“You counted them? Sometimes I’m busy and don’t see them,” I deflected.

“I know you’re bothered by my past with Zhao. But we really broke up,” she said, looking hurt.

“How do I know? How can you prove it?” I asked with a sly grin.

“Prove it? I’ll show you,” she said, pretending to hit me. I grabbed her arm and pulled her onto my lap, holding her tightly as I lay back. She ended up lying on top of me.

“You’re so bad. I’ll fix that weirdness in you,” she said, blushing.

Seeing my chance, I slid my hand down to her butt. She immediately tried to pull away.

“Stop it, it tickles,” she said, trying to get up.

“Tell me, did you and Zhao ever cuddle like this?” I asked provocatively, holding her down.

“No, we didn’t,” she replied straightforwardly.

Surprised by her openness, my curiosity grew. “Then how did you usually cuddle? What positions did you use for sex?”

She hesitated, and I felt my control over the situation slipping, but my dark curiosity was piqued.

To be continued