The Funeral

This is a terrible day for a funeral. The weather is perfect, cool light breeze, nice cloud cover and temperatures in the low 70s. I mean could it get any worse? It’s a perfect day to go fishing, hiking, or just sitting on the back porch drinking a beer. Yea this is a terrible day for a funeral, well a terrible day for MY funeral.

The florists have begun to bring in the arrangements and it’s made this all very real. The flowers have begun to bloom and the whole church smells to high heaven now. Pun intended. I can’t believe today is the day. Even with me knowing it was coming I’m still so nervous, but who wouldn’t be afraid to die? I guess in times like these people like to look back on their life and reflect on all the things they’ve done and the things they won’t ever get a chance to do. Man, I really wanted to have that midget threesome.

The preacher has just arrived with a large bible in hand. There are little colored tabs between the pages; I wonder which color is for funeral. He’s a blendable looking fella, like without the priestly robes he would blend into the background and you wouldn’t even notice him. He’s got a weird pear shaped body but he’s the man that has the power to make the magic happen so I try not to critique the guy too much.

“Hey, has anybody seen Jackson?” I hear someone yell from the back. And now the drama starts, I thought it would have held up until after the funeral and the guys start eyeballing my stuff, but leave it to Jackson to get the party started early. He’s my best friend, and he’s gone missing? I wouldn’t put it past him to try and fuck one of the guests, or the florist, or hell even one of the flowers. He’s a horny lil bastard but he’s always a fun time. The little shit better be back in time to read my eulogy or there will be hell to pay.

More guests start pouring in and taking their seats. Their suits and dresses look beautiful in this lighting. I hope they will say the same about me in my casket. I spot my parents coming in and my mom is crying already. She’s borrowing tissues from everyone in sight and trying hard not to mess up her makeup. Meanwhile my dad is as stoic as ever and looks like he’s heading to watch a demonstration of paint drying. But I can’t expect much from the man, he never did like going to these things. I imagine it's harder for him to stay home because it's his son, or mom forced him to come.

The pews are starting to fill and it’s nearly time to say my goodbyes. I straighten out my tie and throw on my jacket. With a deep breath and a heavy sigh, I climb into my casket and I’m wheeled out for display. I had a pretty good turn out, I have to admit. Some of these folks I haven’t seen in years; probably just came for the free food afterwards. But I digress, whatever reason they came, I’m glad they’re here.

The organ starts playing, some sappy song that everyone knows but don’t know the lyrics to and a hush falls over everyone in attendance. Slowly people start making their way down the aisle to view my body. A procession of men and women begins and I take a moment to look at the small kids in the crowd. They are so pure, innocent, and without any of the baggage or mental conformity forced on us through years of relationships. They have so much freedom to experience, until they reach this point in their lives one day.

As Alaina makes her way down the aisle that’s when the show stops. She was my fiance, and she has been crying profusely. Everyone’s been waiting to see how she will handle this final farewell. She’s trying to hold back the tears now but I can see them rolling down her cheek. I wish I could wipe them from her face and call her a big softie one more time. There’s so much I wish I still had time for… She looks down at me in the casket and smiles. I’d like to think she is thinking of all the good times we’ve had before we got here, or maybe she’s thinking about the plans for the future. She always was a planner and I’m sure she’s got a 5 year plan on a vision board somewhere. I love that about her, I hope she never changes.

The preacher makes his way to the pulpit and clears his throat and adjusts his glasses. He pulls the white tab on his bible and says “Dearly beloved friends and family, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Emmitt. As they say he had a good run, but his bachelor life is now over and he rises anew as a groom. I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know Ms. Alaina and Mr. Emmitt during couples counseling and I can assure you that these two have what it takes!”

He continues on to say some more things I hardly hear because Alaina has me spellbound. She has never looked more beautiful than she does now standing beside me in a stunning white dress. She makes it all worth it and I’m happy to throw it all away for her. Jackson, my best man, pats me on the back and though I may not know what the future life a husband holds, I know I’ve made the right choice to murder a bachelor.

-End