The Dilemma

It's beautifully painful, a spark I thought I could never have. It lit up and it's scaring me, I don't know how to react. It's perfect, it's painful, it gives me energy yet ties my mind in a knot but somehow my heart still innocently beats with the brightest smile no matter how many times it shatters like glass onto the floor.

Is what I feel a blessing or a curse? My heart and my mind are constantly battling trying to find an even playing field, but they are stuck in a constant war. Is it wrong to feel how I feel or is it right?

My heart tells me to race, to chase and keep fighting, to keep the hope I have that something beautiful could come from this. Every time she walks in the room there is this unimaginable feeling that my tender heart unleashes into my body. It's a beautiful thing but could leave me blind. The feeling of two worlds within a skyline view of each other, where you could stare into the sky and see the beauty of it as well as the fear of what could come next. That's what its like when your heart is finally healed enough to breathe again. When your heart can finally regain all of its senses and see again, and when it saw you, it skipped a beat for the first time in years.

However, my mind tells me otherwise, holding me back from all the trauma I have endured a few years back, making me terrified. It tells me all of the "what if" questions, making me think that she does not feel the same way. Maybe I'm rushing it, maybe it's to much, maybe I shouldn't feel this way or that way. It tells me it is just a crush, not to let my guard down. Even I do not understand my own mind, is it trying to protect me, or simply trying to erase this overwhelming feeling.

These emotions and the unpredictability they have on someone could be enough to drop the strongest people on earth onto their knees. The weird thing is, I like this feeling. It's like jumping off a cliffside into the ocean water, not knowing what could be underneath. The adrenaline I get from just seeing her is enough to make me get through the day, even though for years nothing has given me this kind of energy. I could be coming home from a hard day at work, going to class right after hearing terrible news, or even if I lay in bed lost in my thoughts I could get a text from her and get the energy to stand up and run to the moon and back thousands of times. How the hell is this possible? How did she break down my walls that I've worked years to put up with just one look? And why do I love it?

She has almost everything in common with me except for one or two things and its those things that I adore. When she talks, it is easy to get lost but when I get lost I don't want anyone to come find me. There are days when she is sad, upset, maybe angry, or feels like she is not worth it. Those are the days I wish I could show her how amazing she truly is because no one deserves to be in pain, especially someone whose heart is so bright it can cause a moon to eclipse. Someone whose heart is that bright is and always will be on the next level of beauty. Maybe it's just how I think, or maybe it's what I know.

If someone makes you happy why not go for it? The answer is simply, fear. Even though fear is truly imaginary, only exists because we believe in it, It should be possible to switch it off even for a moment but sometimes even that moment makes it to hard to find the right words to say. Even if I find the courage to ask her out, would it be in the right moment? There are so many factors to consider in this battle between whether to just let it all out or keep it in. I guess I should just use my mind on this one, until it and my heart can agree that it is the right moment to get over my fear and ask her. Which leads to the last few questions: Why fear the future when whatever lies in the future is inevitable? If I have even the smallest chance to do something, to make myself finally and truly happy, well, I have one life so why not take that risk?

I guess the winner of this war between my mind and my heart is neither, for life came in and showed me that if it is meant to happen, it will, but if not then just keep walking on that heartfelt road of life. The right woman will come, whether it is her or not, but God I wish it could be.