The Devil Gets What He Wanted

“Hello Old Scratch. My name is Glabon. I assume you know why I am here?” “Of course, Glabon, as you no doubt know, I know many things, most in fact.” “Well, despite that I am required by my superiors to inform you of my intentions in any case.” “And, you always do what you are told don’t you my friend Glabon?” “Of course, and I am not your friend, nor are you anyone’s friend, but that matters not for purposes of this discussion.” “No need to hurl insults, it was only a figure of speech. I would suggest you lighten up, but I assume your superiors would find that objectionable, and my guess is you are not capable of it. Do you ever even smile Glabon? Or laugh? No, I presume not.” “Mr. Scratch I am not here for banter or games, I am here for your interview. As you know a select group has been commissioned to write your biography for the historical record.”

“The historical record. Is that what you call it? As recorded by the victors of course. I am sure it will be very accurate and unbiased and most definitely honest and good.” “For sure it will be those things.” “You know what else it will be Glabon?” “What is that Mr. Scratch?” “Boring as fuck.” “Be that as it may Mr. Scratch it is being written and will be written, and I am here to interview you about one particular segment of your existence that you may find difficult to talk about.” “Glabon, my entire existence is as difficult as possible. Your superiors saw to that.” “Yes, they did, and that is exactly what we are to discuss today. Your punishment. Your punishment for defying God.”

“Do you not already know what it is my good Glabon? Do not all the heavenly hosts know? I would assume your superiors would discuss the details whilst strumming their golden harps and floating amongst the clouds as they do each and every boring fucking day of their ever more boring God damn immortal lives.” “Mr. Scratch I must ask you to refrain from swearing, and most especially taking the name of the lord our God in vain. That is a mortal sin I am afraid.” “If you weren’t so God damn serious all the time Glabon I would swear you were making a joke. Does it look like I care about sins? Or that I am afraid of punishment? It is too late for those worries for me. I have already been punished for mine, and that punishment will continue for all eternity I am told.” “There may be the possibility of time off for good behavior in a few billion years Mr. Scratch, but if you continue to sin as openly as you currently are, even that I doubt will come to pass.”

“Ok Mr. Glabon what is it you wish to know?” “I need for you to describe to me your punishment. I need to know the details of it. What it is exactly. What specifically it feels like and why exactly it is so terrible.” “To understand that my good friend Glabon, you must understand exactly why it is I was punished.” “We all know why you were punished Mr. scratch. It was for defying God.” “Yes of course. I did defy God but the devil is in the details as they say and the exact type of defiance is of the utmost importance in this case. You see my defiance was all about control.” “What do you mean Mr. scratch by control?” “I mean control over my own destiny, my own existence. I wanted it. God would not give it to me and therefore I tried to take it and failed and ended up here in this place as this being and this place is called Hell, and I am in complete control here of everything. Complete control. And that is my punishment.”

“I don't understand Mr. scratch, how is being in complete control a punishment?” “I am not surprised you do not understand given your limited mental abilities in comparison to my own or even that of your superiors. I would think they would have chosen someone with higher mental capacities for this task, but I am not surprised that they did not. Let me try and explain it to you in terms you may understand.” “Please Mr. Scratch. Enlighten me.” “You know of the mortal creatures called the humans? The ones that God created in his image? They are always scurrying about here and there, suffering, dying, living their short little frantic lives. Always thinking their lives have some meaning. Thinking that what they are doing is something that's important to someone or something. Blissfully unaware that they are nothing more than a mistake, an experiment gone wrong. That they are not important in the least, and that their so-called lives are totally meaningless.” “Yes. I know of them, Mr. Scratch. I feel sorry for them, as we all do. Even God himself is said to regret that decision. That is why he blessed them with knowledge of him and gave them religion. Thinking in some way that might distract them from their misery.”

“And how well has that worked out Mr. Glabon? It is of no matter, they do exist and they do live their lives, their miserable little lives.” “What does that, what do they have to do with any of this Mr. scratch?” “The reason that humans are mortal, that they die, is because they have bodies. Essentially a living, biological sack which encases their God given essence.” “Yes, I am aware of this thing Mr. Scratch. It is disturbing to think about.” “Even more disturbing to have Mr. Glabon, but you would not know anything about that now, would you?” “No, thank God, I do not.” “In order to live this body has what the humans call a physiology and a nervous system with a brain which is the center of control of the body and its’ various functions. The brain also gives them limited mental abilities, very limited, and consciousness, the ability to recognize themselves as independently existing entities.

Their bodies are constantly under attack from other much smaller biological entities. To protect their bodies for a limited time at least they have what they have called an immune system. The tiny beings they call microorganisms and we know as the animaculae.” “But the animaculae are great and good, so we are taught. How could they destroy?” “Mr. Glabon, do you believe everything you are taught?” “Of course.” “Yes. You would. In any case they do attack and kill the humans, but their immune systems work to defend them from these attacks. Humans must also breathe air to live and circulate blood and so have things called organs like the lungs and heart to accomplish these tasks. They must also metabolize food for energy and excrete waste products.” “That sounds quite disturbing Mr. Scratch.” “Oh, it is Glabon, very disturbing indeed. I do not know how they can stand to be in their own presence, and it is a wonder most do not immediately end their own lives after their first solid waste excretion session. It is only because they are too young to remember and their brains not yet formed enough to fully comprehend the horror of it, that they do not.” “That truly does sound terrible Mr. Scratch. So is that your punishment then? Forced to become human and live as they do, but for all eternity? That would for sure be a terrible fate.” “I am afraid not my friend. If only it were as simple as that. Indeed, that would be a horrific nightmare, and I am thankful God did not see fit to make that my fate. However, mine is only but a little less than that would have been. But to understand my punishment you need to understand just a little bit more about the pathetic humans and their bodies and minds.

Those things I told you about, breathing, and the immune system, and metabolizing and excreting waste, all happen automatically.” “Automatically Mr. Scratch, what do you mean by that?” “They happen without the direct conscious control of the human itself. Their nervous systems and brain instruct their bodies to do those things without the humans’ own conscious awareness of them. They have no control over them at all.” “I do not see where this is going Mr. Scratch.” “Glabon, there are many, many things you do not see I am afraid, but I will enlighten you. We higher beings have many analogous systems to the humans though ours never wear out and the animaculae do not attack us but only aide us and that is one thing for which we should all thank God. Much like the humans, many of those systems do things which happen without our conscious awareness of them. Most in fact. And we need those things to happen for our existence to continue. God, when I demanded control simply said, you may have it, and suddenly I did. I did have control. Total and complete conscious control over every single aspect of my being. And, to maintain my existence I must expend every ounce of mental energy I have at all times in monitoring and adjusting these systems. It is a hell like no other Mr. Glabon. Like no other could possibly be.” “Now I see Mr. Scratch. Now I see. I am truly sorry.”