The Day My World Changed

The Day My World Changed

This was not the first time that I found myself in this position, face down staring at the floor. My back was exposed to the bright lights and serious scrutinizing eyes. The setup was very different from the previous three times and there were three times as many medical professionals in the room. Each with a specific assignment.

“This should only take about twenty minutes” the doctor stated directly to me. “I will explain everything I am doing as we move through the procedure.”

I am sure he was trying to reassure me. With the monitors and leads turned on, every person in the room could tell how nervous I was. I really didn’t want to go through this again, however, it was necessary so that I could finish off my Junior year at California State University, Channel Islands. As I stared at the flooring I reflected back to the moment that started me down a path that led to this very moment. Decades ago, this event changed my life forever and I remember it as if it happened yesterday.

I was a senior in high school, and on this particular day, it was a Friday, and it was raining. I had not attended an early morning class, so I had to find my own way to school. If I could have seen into the future, I would not have hopped on the bike; I would have walked to school. I didn’t mind the rain; in fact, I enjoyed it and didn’t care that I was going to be soaked to the bone when I arrived at school - besides I kept an extra set of clothes in my locker and would change once I got to school.

I was at the edge of the school grounds when I realized I was no longer on my bike. Things moved slowly and fast at the same time, and I was puzzled and confused at that moment right before my back cracked across the curb next to the road. I felt a searing pain that traveled like lightning from my lower back and down my legs. My head struck the concrete and my neck snapped. I don’t remember much else.

I do know that the driver never stopped. Since that day, pain has been my constant companion. The stories tied to this first include subsequent falls and trauma to my neck and back; resulting in continuous, unabated pain.

In the fall of 2017, my neurosurgeon recommended that I schedule surgery to slow the rapid deterioration of my spine. I persuaded him to allow me to work on becoming stronger and fit before I agreed to the surgery. He cautioned me that I needed to pay attention and keep an eye out for specific neurological symptoms including weakness in my legs and changes in my gate. However, I could keep these at bay if I continued to exercise and lost the excess weight.

In the spring of 2018, I returned to school because what I really wanted to do before I had surgery was to complete my education. At a minimum, I wanted to earn my Bachelor’s Degree in Literature. There have been a few roadblocks in this pursuit; including the ongoing issues with my back. I have had cancer; requiring surgery as well as infusion treatments. Complicating the existing damage to my spine; I now have a mass near the injury site; causing an increase in the frequency and intensity of my pain and neuropathy.

Two years later, I find myself on the surgical table having a procedure to help reduce the pain and discomfort of neuropathy. Every poke of the needle and every comment made by the surgeon provides another fact regarding the current condition of my spine and I begin to cry. The damage that once was isolated to L4 and L5 has spread, affecting S1. I hear my inner self: You should have taken care of this sooner. I push the thought back down. I have made it this far.

My husband picks me up after the procedure and takes me home. As we enter the front door, the blue scooter meant for me silently welcomes me and I whisper: Hush, you will have your turn. Just not today.

Wednesday

Today is Wednesday. I woke up this morning in pain. A pain that I am all too familiar with. It’s the pain that I was warned about that would precede the necessity of the wheelchair that Victor purchased six months ago. As soon as I become friends with the wheelchair I will have to schedule surgery. I will have to quit school. I will not be able to do anything for at least six months…

I don’t want that. I want to live my life and do all the things that I haven’t done yet. I want to kiss the boy that I fancy. I want to write an epic novel. I want to travel to Europe. I want to walk the line for graduation.

So, I put my jazz shoes on and kicked my heel at the beautiful blue wheelchair sitting in the corner. I will wear these shoes all day so that I can feel each pebble and crack in the concrete. I will feel the warmth of the heated cement and asphalt and the texture of the carpet in the LRC. I will perform Tai Chi feeling every slat of wood along with its cracks. And I will memorize it all for when I can’t.