The day after last night

My head was pounding before I even opened my eyes. My mouth was dry and my stomach was making noises I had not heard in a long time. As I opened my burning eyes I cursed my last nights self for not shutting the bedroom blinds. I could feel the warmth of my sleeping partner beside me and turned around smiling, ready to snuggle in. Not for long. The sound of pounding feet came from all the way down the hall way. I braced myself for what was to come. WHAM! The impact was heavy. Bruno, our 6-month-old Boxer was clearly awake and ready for the day. Before I could get my bearings, his big wet tongue was on my face. “Ok, ok.” I said to him. “Mmph” was all I got from the sleeping lump next to me as she pulled the covers over her face. Thanks for the support, I thought. I pushed Bruno off me, got out of bed and went into the bathroom. I turned the shower on and went to brush my teeth. I stared at the person in mirror facing me. What a nightmare! My eyes were blood shot, face pale. Just an all-round train wreck. I got into the shower and let the hot water run over my body. Bliss! I am never getting out of here. Just as the thought crossed my mind, Sarah, the sleeping lump I was speaking of earlier, opened the shower screen and got in. She looked slightly better than I did but not by much. “Can you move over?” Was all she said. You know how people romanticise the whole ‘showering with your partner’ thing? It is not like that in reality! Well not with us at least. How much room does one woman need? We have a double shower… and she’s tiny! Work that one out. And the amount of hair… don’t get me started. Worst of all though is the scorching temperature she needs the water to be! So, I got out. Better than shivering in the corner of a lava hot shower watching someone else enjoy it. I got dressed and went down into the kitchen. Queue the horror music. It was a mess! Dirty plates, glasses, food. You name it, it was there. Obviously, we’d had a dinner party last night. Our first one since we had the twins, now 9 months old and had had a sleep over at the Grandparents last night. I opened the fridge and got out the last piece of chocolate cake left over from last night. Yumm!! I moved some space off the kitchen bench ready to hoover this cake down. Our friend Marty, one of the guests last night, is a pastry chef. He makes the best and I mean the BEST cakes ever. People come from everywhere to try his stuff. Caramel mud cake, tiramisu, everything and anything he does and they are glorious! Just as I am about to get this masterpiece in and around my mouth, Sarah comes downstairs and into the kitchen. “Baaaabe..” She said in that tone that says I’m hungover and need you to do everything for me whilst I bark out orders and I am about to start right now. “This place is a mess! We need to clean up please!” I put my fork down dis-heartedly and got up. She was right. The kids were going to be home at lunchtime and this place really was pretty bad.

You know the worst thing about cleaning up the day after a big night? Its not so much the dishes or putting everything away. It’s the smell of that last sip of alcohol no one drinks and leaves in their glass. That little bit at the end that is always there. You either don’t see it and spill its contents of red wine all over the white carpet, guilty, or, the smell alone is enough to make you second guess most of your life’s choices just in that split-second moment, also guilty. Of course, Sarah gets the easy job of washing up. I say its easy because before I am allowed to put the plates or glasses in the warm soapy water, I have to scrape the scraps into the bin, rinse the slimy, stuck on food off the plate, tip the infamous last dregs out of the glasses and rinse them too. If I don’t do such things, I get the ‘look’. I’m sure we are all aware of the look. You know, that one you feel in the pit of your stomach. That feeling I’m sure heroes would get when they are just about to slay the dragon or the moment of fear you get when you told her you would be home at 7 and its now 11 and you’re telling the boys “Nah mate it will be fine, she won’t mind, she loves having the twins to herself on a Saturday night”. Now, don’t get me wrong, from my tone you probably assume I don’t love my wife. I do. Very, very much. And I know that I am definitely, as they say, ‘punching above my weight.’ Yes, I am a strong willed, strong build of a man who has the ability to stick up for myself and put my opinion forward, when she says I can. And of course, I tell her all of what I am telling you because ‘we are a couple who keeps nothing from each other and shares everything’. It’s just when I tell her the things I am telling you, I get in trouble so... here we are… in the kitchen washing up. And at last, the last plate is washed and put up to dry. Yes! Time for that last slice of delicious chocolate cake! “Did you let Bruno out this morning?” Woops. No, I didn’t. I would love nothing more than to open my mouth and tell her “yes darling, of course I did.” But it was the tone. Was it there or am I imagining it? I really want that cake but she already knows I didn’t let him out, doesn’t she? Or does she? I’m taking too long to answer and the stress is building… “Er...” “Because he just did his ‘business’ in the loungeroom.” I look over and shut my dumb mouth. Sure enough, Bruno’s ‘business’ is in fact not only in the loungeroom but all over the loungeroom. I told Scott not to feed him the Garlic Prawns. He’s a Boxer, everyone knows they have sensitive stomachs. “I’ll clean it up” I said quickly before the steam would be coming out of her ears. “And take him for a walk. Don’t take too long though babe. The kids will be home in half an hour and they will want to see you.” I guess that piece of cake can wait.

It was nice being outside actually, definitely made me feel better. The fresh air was clearing the smell of ‘business’ out of the back of my throat. I know you know the smell I’m talking about, the one that if you weren’t concentrating feels like it would choke you to death. The sun on my back and the cool summer breeze though was blissful. Thanks Bruno! I owe you one. Another good thing about Bruno is that when I get home just after the kids get back and conveniently after the in-laws have just left – Oh what a shame honey, I was really looking forward to seeing them – I can tell Sarah that Bruno had to relieve himself on every pole and say hello to every dog, get a pat from every person and prove his dominance to every garden gnome on his way home. A dog’s life huh. I am mid walk and blissfully taking my time for reasons previously discussed when my phone buzzed in my pocket. “Hey sweetie. Just letting you know the kids are home and Mum and Dad are staying for dinner, Dad wants to talk to you about the Plumbing in the downstairs toilet. Could you pick up some milk on the way home? We are all out. Xxx” Great! How wonderful! (insert sarcasm here!!) If I haven’t already mentioned I’m a plumber. For those of you who aren’t in a trade or don’t have an extended family that lives AROUND THE CORNER!! Never, and I repeat, never offer your services to your family... especially if you’re a plumber. Not only are you doing your day job on a Sunday for nothing, you get to play with your in-laws sewerage. Fun right? I should mention here I had this conversation with Patty, Mother in law, last week. I have had three phone calls since then with her regarding her husband Phil, father in law’s, bowel habits and one very in-depth conversation with Phil telling me, said plumber, about all the different parts of a toilet, how it works and what it looks like. What a fun night I was in store for.

As we approached the driveway Bruno and I had a little moment. We looked up the long drive and saw the shiny silver Lexus sitting in the driveway. We turned to each briefly and looked deep into each other’s eyes. I would like to think he was thinking the same thing I was “No one has seen us, we can still run.” But on second thought I doubt we were. Bruno was probably still thinking about the girl dog he saw down the road, either that or the Garden Gnome that got the better of him when the wind knocked it over. Bruno loved the in laws, well Phil anyway. Phil thought he was the bee’s knees, and Bruno forgot all about me when Phil was around. Patty on the other hand could take him or leave him. She didn’t love dogs but didn’t dislike them either. She thought they should be outside though and seen but not heard. At our house though, Bruno was allowed everywhere, well everywhere the twins weren’t. It was at times a bit of a juggling act but we seemed to have it down pat. We got to the front door, I took a deep breath and in we went.

The place was spotless! Sarah must have really scrubbed while we were out. Good old thing she is! We walked in to the kitchen were Patty was fussing about the twins and Sarah was sitting at the table talking to Phil. As soon as Bruno saw Phil he was away, I was old news. They were all over each other like a bad rash. So much for loyal brown dog. “Hello Tom. So nice to see you love. Oh are you unwell? You look very pale?” Always a pleasure to see Patty. “Nice to see you too. Yeah, I’m fine, just a little tired. Had a big dinner party last night and had a few too many.” And queue the look of disapproval at the alcoholic her daughter had married. “Haha I’m sure you did mate. Good on ya.” Ahh, good old Phil. I knew I could count on you, even if my dog likes you better. I went over and said hello to my two beautiful girls. Kelly and Katie. The two best things I have ever done in my life! “Hello you two!” I said as I lovingly tickled them making them laugh, the best sound in the world, short lived though, when Kelly started screaming. That real scream where their face goes bright red from the pressure of their little bodies letting out so much noise. “I’ll take her, I think she needs a change.” Grandma Patty to the rescue. Thank god. Don’t know that I could deal with anymore ‘business’ today. “Tom, come and sit-down mate” Phil said as he handed me a cold beer. “Let’s talk about this bathroom.” “Thanks mate.” I said as I took the beer. Wonderful, more alcohol and more conversation about toilets and bowels, just what I needed on my Sunday afternoon.

After 5 drawings, 7 changed minds and 4 beers, which went down like razor blades until the third, the most amazing, welcoming, stomach rumbling smell wafted through. Patty was making her famous meatloaf! My favourite! Sarah called out telling Phil and I to set the table, which we did and when it was all done we sat down to a scrumptious meal. I sat next to the twins and fed them whilst I ate. Although, when I say fed, I mean pointed the spoon towards their mouth, full of what looked like mashed prison food which they strangely enjoyed, and hoped for the best. Resulting in it falling onto the table of the high chair and them eating it with their hands. Where is Bruno when you need him? Best, free vacuum cleaner. Hey, kids will be kids. “Anyone for a cuppa?” Sarah asked as her and Patty got up and began clearing the table. “Yes, please love” Said Phil. “I might just quickly feed Bruno and let him out for a bit” I said. As I reached for his food bowl, Bruno, who obviously has super hearing powers, came running in from the loungeroom where he had been sleeping seconds earlier. Good timing buddy. We went outside and I watched as he hoovered down his mince and bikkies like he had never seen food in his life and was never getting another meal. I left him outside while he ate and came back to sit at the table. As I sat down I looked over at Phil and in front of him was a plate. A plate with the last slice of that amazing chocolate cake I was telling you about earlier. I could have cried. But, grown men don’t cry so I held it together. I watched him eat every delicious, painfully slow bite, each time having to control myself not to rip it out of his greedy old hands. What a day!

Eventually the girls got tired and Patty said it was time to go. I said goodbye at the door and took the twins upstairs and put them to bed. They sleep in cots right next to each other and like to watch each other fall asleep. Almost like a competition, who can stay awake the longest. At the moment I was definitely going to lose that one and had to fight to keep my eyes open until one of them shut theirs so the other one would too. It had been such a long, disastrous, tiresome day, all I wanted to do was go to bed and shut my eyes. Finally, Kelly shut her eyes and didn’t open them again, I guess she lost, and soon after, Katie did the same. I got up so slowly trying my hardest not to wake either of them, and shut the door keeping it slightly ajar. I walked down stairs into the kitchen to see if Sarah needed any help cleaning up and at the sight of what I saw I could have died and gone to heaven. “What is this? I thought it was all gone!” There was my beautiful wife, have I told you how much I love her, sitting at the bench with a plate of Chocolate cake. “I put away two pieces last night so we could enjoy it together tonight. I had to give Dad one but I kept one, were just going to have to share it” she said as she held me out a fork. I sat down staring at her with adoration. I would be totally lost without this woman. I put my fork in the moist cake and could feel my salivary glands tingling. I was finally going to get my chocolate cake! Before it even went into my mouth the baby monitors went off. The competition was back on! As I went to get up, Sarah put her hand on my arm. “I’ll go. You finish this.” And kissed me on the fore head as she went up to check on our two little delights. As I was about to put the last piece into my mouth, Bruno came over and put his head on my knee. He looked up at me with those big brown ‘I’m sorry dad, I love you more than Phil, I was only doing it to make him feel good’ eyes I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. “Here ya go boy. Special treat for a special boy.” Just as he finished chewing it I heard “What are you doing?” Sarah was back and had seen me give the last piece to Bruno. “Sorry sweetheart. I didn’t know you were coming back down. I would have saved the last bit for you.” She shook her head a gave me ‘that look’ again. “Its not that, Tom,” sigh. “Don’t you know Boxers have sensitive stomachs?"...