The Darkness in Your Heart

It seemed to me as if he wanted to escape it all from the moment I met him. Always closed-off, not abiding by routine, he was just stuck in dissonance. The love he had for me and the vision he held for his life were two very different things. I was never let in on this inner turmoil he was facing until it was too late for me, for us. We were the star-crossed lovers that soared through the sky until it all came crashing down. This plane could no longer be lifted off the ground because maintenance wasn't the key. Life was.

One can only escape the smallness of a place by going beyond it. Once one leaves, they can always return. However, the truth, insofar as to where their heart lies, is if they want to return to what they left behind. This was something I didn't quite contemplate at the time. After we had hastily made up our minds, we could never physically be together when we were off fulfilling our purposes. This was because we couldn't have chosen more varied paths. Mine was an escape like his, but in the more traditional sense. While being made to carry out these destinies, neither one of us could let ourselves down.

When we weren't fighting to reach our goals, we could let down our guards. In turn, we were able to meet up in the quaint setting of the small town in which we fell in love. Here, there was enough room for the both of our inner beings to be spiritually intertwined without the chaos of the outside world. Initially, it was I that gave more to him than he did to me. Upon reflecting back on different times we met up, it was he who gave more than I. It would appear that even in this sacred space we had invented for ourselves, the outside world was breaking through.

On these drives home from university, I took notice of you. You were the symbol of our love, discreet at first, but then I was consumed. I was late in meeting with him that day I first saw you. Distracted from my mission, I pulled off to the side of the road to observe you. You were magnificent! Your head did not swivel to abandon the tactful hunt as I approached. As I got closer, you landed on a post without having captured your prey. You remained a majestic creature in my eyes as you looked my way. Although I stayed in my car, your black eyes pierced my soul through the windshield. I lifted my index finger to trace the heart-shaped outline of your face from afar. It was spellbinding to see the darkness in your heart.

He was angered as I arrived later that day than expected. I explained to him that I did not think our time together was of less importance, but that sometimes life captures your attention. It doesn't pay any mind to made-up plans. He was irritated by my "stupid" bird story. I soon began to realize shortly thereafter that we did not hold the same interests anymore. Now that our hometown had fallen behind us, it was as if every time we met up, we were entering a forced cycle of repetition of the days of our youth. I always made the commitment of driving back on the days we planned. Sometimes he would show and sometimes he wouldn't. On the days he didn't show, I was able to drive back and park near the old run-down barn that was your home to watch you in your glory.

The last time I met with him, he had a darkness in his eyes. It was not the magical darkness that you held in your eyes. His darkness did not embody an open future, but a closed one, more so for me than him. I now had to choose to go along on my path or follow him on his. I wanted to be as free as you, proving myself capable, transitioning through life at my own pace to where I thought I most belonged. I was heartbroken that this man I had been in love with did not hold a place in my future anymore. I still sometimes think of him to this day when I return only to visit you. It brings me comfort to watch you carry out your life in a place that I once thought my life could be carried out too with the love of my life.