The Cyan River

- - - - - - - - - -

To everyone,

Goodnight.

Love, Xavier.

- - - - - - - - - -

Days. Weeks. Months. Years. Felt like eternity though. There was no escape however, no length of time could erase the memories they shared together, or erase the pain that he felt every time he came into his mind. To be exact it was 2 years since Xavier drowned himself. No one knew the reasons why, apart from Max. He kept himself to himself though and whenever he was questioned on it, he always shrugged it off. In his mind though the memories they shared crumbled, lost colour.

He knew why Xavier did what he did, the reasons that towered behind that giant decision which was made in an instant. Stories he told, memories he shared, experiences they went through together all guided Max to an idea of why he chose that way out. If that wasn’t enough, Xavier sent him a note just for him. More of a letter, explaining why he did what he did and sharing some final memories with Max. He kept looping one of the sentences from that letter in his head over and over for the past two years. “My dark figure could never leave me, it’ll stay around even when I’m gone, however, my biggest and deepest desire is that you never have to hide the same burdens I did.” For Max, that sentence troubled his mind day in, day out.

He had two years to move past the cyan rivers he shed after the morning he found out one of his closest friends left forever. In some ways he did move past, he had a relationship, he was at a great University doing the subject he loved, life was set for him. A part of his conscience still remained behind in 2021 though, still sat down on that red translucent chair at his school where the news was broken to him. Some kind of a devil kept his brain locked in the same place, trapped, itching to escape and live freely.

Xavier once explained his thoughts and feelings to him in a way he never imagined before. He said:

“This figure Max, it makes you feel weird and depressed and sorry for yourself in so many ways. I feel trapped in my own head, pretending I’m someone I’m not, hiding who I really am from everyone. You begin to feel like an outsider to everyone, like you’re not the normal one, the alien. Then the feelings of there being no hope for the future, there being no way out other than escaping the world. Despite that, I try the battle, wake up every day, put that mask on to hide my true self, function through the day then take the mask off and sleep.

That’s what the figure does to you. It twists you, it cracks you, it breaks you.”

Max didn’t ever realise that Xavier felt so trapped, so alone. Everyone told him it was time to move on now though, no more dwelling on the past. Most importantly, his girlfriend helped him to realise that it had to be the year he moved on.

“Max, you can keep yourself in the past for the rest of your life but that won’t help. Xavier didn’t get the life he deserved, it’s your choice now to live your life and live it to the fullest. Nothing you think or do can bring him back but you can make him proud. I know he’d want that.”

Julie was right, he couldn’t keep living the past over and over again, it was time for change.

- - - - - - - - - -

It was always a bewildering colour. It didn’t have one particular shade or any particular noticeability and yet it always provided for an enchanting sight. The two of them loved to sit in this spot and be lost outside of reality, together. The flaking dark grey paint of the bench never really interested them, they always skimmed over that particular observation. All they cared about in that one moment was gazing out onto the river. Each day they lived and shared together was a day that brought out the best in them. Brought out the happiness, kindness, individuality in them.

They knew that these moments would not last forever, lives would shift and change. Even with that reality, however, they always came to that same spot, same time, to share the same experience.

Watching the sunset together could have been seen as a cliche but it was an experience that never lost anything. Nothing ever crumbled away or lost its colour, it remained perfectly intact.

- - - - - - - - - -

Max,

This won’t explain nearly enough as to why I did what I did, but, here’s hoping that you might just be able to make some sense of the thoughts I could never understand.

Just scanning over these first words always made Max shiver. He was never able to face the task of reading on, especially after Xavier’s death. What would the next sentences be? What would go through his head? What would he miss, or regret? These questions always stopped him from continuing, or maybe there was more to it.

Max always tried to rewind the tape in his mind. Did he notice anything unusual or something bizarre in Xavier’s actions, did he fail to spot warning signs? This always plagued him, flashes in his mind to bad times they spent together, flashes to good times they spent together, most importantly, flashes back to the day he was told of Xavier’s death. Lost in thought, all colour from his head escaping, leaving him lonely and cold.

It took him a while to get back into his normal way of life, slowly edging back into his usual routines. Most importantly, getting used to living with his dark figure.

Quite often, he thought back to what Xavier said to him. “Makes you feel weird and depressed and sorry for yourself in so many ways.” There was never a day since his world shattered that he didn’t feel sorry for himself. He started to hear a faint voice around him, “Max, Max,” the voice getting louder and louder until he snapped out of the trance he was in. His girlfriend towered over him with eyes glistening as if she already cried or was on the verge of doing so.

“This letter always gets you like this, I think it’s time we put a chapter of our lives to rest.”

Without being able to even process what was said, the letter was snatched from his grasp, his face going pale and void of any meaningful expression as he watched his girlfriend open the letter and start reading it. At that point, the cyan rivers started to flow. Only then was he able to shake himself off and get back into what was happening around him. Julie slumped back against the closest wall, seemingly as if she was about to simply drop to the floor, void of energy.

“Read it.” was the only thing that could leave her mouth. He sat down on the seat he was in before and started to read the letter, could it get any worse?

- - - - - - - - - -

Max,

This won’t explain nearly enough as to why I did what I did, but, here’s hoping that you might just be able to make some sense of the thoughts I could never understand.

Everyday, I had to get up and fake who I was. With enough foresight into the future, I knew that you’d be reading this after I left because this consistent misery brought me to where I am now. Through my own inaction, I drove myself towards this place, the point of no return, life’s Rubicon.

It all started with the realisation that I was bisexual. There isn’t an easy way to say it, even writing it now is scary for me. You know this, it’s nothing new for you. Yet this moment in my life became the prelude to my misery and the development of that wretched dark figure that trailed me.

My mind was full, spilling over from everything that was going in, everything I tried stopping from getting out. Being bi wasn’t easy for me, I had to protect myself from the hatred I knew I’d experience, or at least if not hatred, the intolerance and lack of acceptance.

It’s easy to see how this might not be the case, you’re probably thinking that reading this. Yet the biggest fear for me was ruining our friendship.

There wouldn’t be an easy way of saying this ever, but given that I don’t have anything to lose at this stage in this horrid, vicious circle I am finding myself in, I might as well say all I can. You were and are a dear friend to me, yet I always hoped and dreamed of more. I was in love with you. Every time I saw you, every time you spoke to me, part of me melted. Gave me the colour I needed in my black and white life.

I knew it’d never happen, I knew there wasn’t a chance. But the realisation of that, alongside the thoughts I already started to develop and the emptiness of colour from my life, led me to where I am today. My dark figure could never leave me, it’ll stay around even when I’m gone, however, my biggest and deepest desire is that you never have to hide the same burdens I did.

You’re not happy at the moment, I know. However, whoever you are with now or whoever you will be, value them, love them. Only in that way will you ever be able to remember me well and make me proud. You’ve always made me proud with your accomplishments, don’t stop now,

Yours, Xavier. x

- - - - - - - - - -

There was not a simple way of reading that, or understanding it. Max couldn’t get it, he felt hopeless. He never imagined that this would ever be the case. Was he at fault here, if he picked up the signs from Xavier would he still be alive now?

- - - - - - - - - -

Max sat slumped in his chair, staring at the letter that he inherited from his close friend. Orange hues started to form on the letter as the sun started to set, revealing stains from the many tears that were shed by Max over the course of the evening.

His attention was drawn to a note that lay on the table. Making his way towards it wasn’t something he wanted to do. For him it had the appearance of a draining marathon rather than a quick pace across the room.

After dragging himself to the note, he lifted it and after glancing over it, he let out a deathly scream that was never heard before.

- - - - - - - - - -

Max,

You are my entire world, you truly are, but I can no longer be where I used to. For everyone that knows me I have vanished, and don’t want to be found. I love you, stay safe and you’re always in my heart.

Julie.