The Course of True Love

For months I have admired you from afar.

Across the office floor, I drink in every detail of you as if you are a rich red wine. I dream of the life we could have together. I picture our first date, the wedding that will follow, our house, even the children we will have. A boy and a girl, one for me and one for you.

They will take care of us when we are old. Until it is time for me and you to pass on together, lying in the four-poster bed in our quaint little country cottage by the sea.

I cling to the hope that someday you will see me, that we will feel the burning flames of mutual desire and life will finally begin. The thought of that encounter gives me glee.

When the shadow of crippling despair creeps its way into my mind, like a persistent fox stalking around the chicken house, ever probing for the cracks in the defences. It is my vision of our future that keeps me strong.

Today, I was sitting in the office kitchen. Alone as is often the case. I was taking a break from the monotonous and soul-sapping labour of calculating payroll and checking employee expenses.

In you walked looking radiant as ever. Like the sunlight had suddenly flooded through the open curtains washing away the darkness of a long night.

My blood started pumping, we were rarely alone together, you and me. The possibilities were endless and exhilarating.

I sank deeper into my chair and buried my face in my book of crosswords. (Eight across: The surname of the singer best known for his hit songs “Folsom Prison Blues” and “Ring of Fire.”) I read the question once, twice, then three times, and possibly even more. I may as well have been staring at a blank page. The adrenaline was like an electric current flowing through my veins. I could focus on naught but the thought that you were near.

Then you spoke to me. Your words dripped with sweetness and romance, like the most divine honey. I will never forget what you said to me, not until death rips the memory from my reluctant cold hands.

“Is it me, or is it a bit cold today?”

My heart leapt in my chest. Not only did you speak to me, but you asked me a question. You wanted me to talk to you! You must yearn to hear my voice as much as I crave to hear yours.

I had to assiduously craft my response so that it would demonstrate my intelligence, confidence, and wit all in one. You didn’t want to talk about the weather, not really. Our connection was deeper than that. That was just your auger meant to break the ice between us.

This was my chance. Everything depended on this.

I opened my mouth and replied with nothing but an awkward groan somewhere between an “ugh,” and an “aww.” Nerves had overtaken me, I was frozen in fear with sweat beading on my brow.

I had messed up. The blissful future, free of this wretched loneliness, this awful office, and filled with you crumbled before my eyes like the House of Usher. I was plunged into darkness as if every light in the world was cruelly extinguished with extreme prejudice.

The weight of my mistake and the consequences had already begun to crush my life from me, but I knew the worst was still to come. In the small hours of the oncoming sleepless night, that would be when I would reach the lowest depths of depression. It was then that I would begin to finally sense the floor of the pit of anguish into which I had fallen. How long would I remain there? I could not tell.

Then you smiled and the world brightened once more. It was a warm smile, perhaps the greatest smile I had ever known. It pulled me out of the pit like I was ascending to heaven on the Day of Judgment. Our eyes met and I knew then there was still a chance for me. That someday you would be mine.

I opened my mouth again to try to speak but you were already heading out the door. Should I confess my love? In my heart of hearts I know I faced rejection, but would anything truly be worse than the purgatory I am in?

In the end, I said nothing. I was content to wallow in my victory for today and not willing to risk disappointment. Not ready to fall back into the pit. I had a smug smile on my face and that night, I slept soundly and dreamt of you.