The Cost of Tentacles

The trip was billed as a kind of pilgrimage.

As though St. John the Baptist or Anthony the Great might too have, in all of their ineffable holiness, boarded an airbus to Hawaii in the middle of summer.

Three refreshing weeks at the Hilton in Honolulu with just our brothers and sisters in Christ.

After all, Jesus wandered through the wilderness for forty days, resisting all manner of temptations. What difference did it make if one denied Satan in the desert, or on a luxury beach getaway?

"It's going to be incredible," Leah raved to me excitedly as we sat together in the high school parking lot during lunch, "Just think about what an opportunity it will be to get in touch with the spirit! Plus, we can go snorkeling and hiking and meet all sorts of gorgeous, Christ-like men." She grinned devilishly, raising her eyebrows at me.

Dread, thick and luxurious and dark, made me look away from her.

A heavyness settled in my chest as she spoke, and so I simply shrugged.

"I'm not going to have any fun if you don't come too," she whined, fluttering her eyelashes at me, and gripping my hand tightly with feigned desperation.

"It sounds fun," I offered, non-comitally.

Sensing my unnease, Leah shifted to a new line of attack.

"I also think this would be a good time to really figure stuff our together. Just you and me. Talk through things," she murmured in an undertone. Her eyes, previously excitable were soft and sincere. They glittered with all of the things we were not talking about-- could never talk about.

And how could I say no to that?

***

The hotel was nicer than I had expected. By some mistake of scheduling or hospitality, Leah and I were alotted our own studio.

Below our balcony, palms swayed elgantly in the island breeze, and the steady hum of traffic blended with the crash of the waves upon the shore. The water was a glittering transparent green, the same color as Leah's eyes.

The boys were sequestered down the hall in communal quarters. A few floors above, the handfull of married couples enjoyed their privacy, a reward for finding their godly soulmate so early in life.

Our first evening passed pleasantly enough, with a smattering of grateful testimonials and the full moon looming out over everything, pale and gleaming and ripe with hidden knowledge. When we were alone, Leah would lace her warm, slender fingers with mine, sending a current of electricity up my arm.

"Are you glad you came now?" Leah whispered in my ear at dinner, her face illuminated by the freshly lit tiki torches.

I nodded, mutely as a warm drizzle began outside. It did not matter where we were, so long as I was beside her.

***

The next morning, in between lunch and bible study, Leah suggested we go to the beach.

"There's nothing scheduled until four. Want to explore the island?"

I nodded excitedly, my muscles tight from sitting all morning.

"Perfect. I asked the boys too, so let's drop by their room and see which of them want to tag along," she added, not looking at me. Her voice was too casual.

I deflated, visions of an afternoon alone with Leah evaporating suddenly in the wake of her words. Of course she'd invited the boys.

I recovered wquickly as she skipped annimatedly down the hall to their room. Perhaps none of them would be interested.

But Leah possessed a certain charm that was difficult to describe. A yielding, affected coyness that could be deployed amongst those who did not know her. A calculated allure that admitedly still worked on me.

And so it was that one of the older boys, Daniel slipped his sandals on and promised to meet us in the lobby. My stomach sank as his eyes roved over Leah with a mix of appreciation and paternal contempt.

He did not bother to glance at me.

"I know a spot," he asserted confidently as we walked towards the hotel entryway, "You have to hike a ways, but once we get to the beach, there won't be any of the usual tourists or crowds."

He ignored me, his attention fixed firmly on my friend.

"That sounds amazing," Leah agreed.

I swallowed, pushing down my jealousy. How silly it all was.

***

The hike down to the cove was mostly downhill, but after a half hour of trudging along in the sun and humidity, we were all drenched in sweat.

As the water came into view, Daniel and Leah raced ahead. I lagged behind as they slipped lithely into the waves.

"It feels so good. You have to come in," Leah called in my direction, up to her waist in the sea. But after a moment, I was forgotten.

She shrieked with laughter as Daniel splashed salt-water across her face.

"You're dead!" she cried, diving towards him, just as he had intended.

I shut my eyes against the sight of them wrestling in the turf, Daniel with restrained gentleness, Leah full of fire.

I meandered up the beach a ways, finding a pile of rocks to curl up amongst. They would block my view of the unpleasantness transpiring downwind, I reasoned.

A crab scuttled across the craggs, its broad, pink back glimmering wetly in the sun. I wondered vaguely what it was thinking. Could crabs understand unrequited love?

A different kind of scream slipped through the air, one devoid of the usual mischief and excitement. I jolted to my feet, heart pounding.

Leah was dragging herself from the turf, her eyes a cacophony of fright. Behind her Daniel watched on, wide-eyed with shock.

"What is it?" I hollered, racing towards her.

"I think I got bitten by something," she called back, free of the water now.

She was bent over, clutching roughly at her left calf.

Under her fingers, tangled a web of shallow lacerations.

"Jellyfish, maybe," Daniel hissed as he joined us on the sand, shaking the residual water from his hair, "I'll call an uber and we can get you back up to the hotel."

Leah began to shake, her teeth chattering. I watched as her usually clear and supple skin rose gradually, angrily up in red hives.

***

Daniel slipped a pack of saltines that he must have been saving since the airplane from his jacket pocket.

"I'm starving," he muttered apologetically as he popped two into his mouth, "I hope you don't mind."

I shrugged, head buzzing. The sea air had taken on a cooler, blamier quality now that the sun was obscured behind a layer of clouds. I looked out to sea, and felt it staring back at me. There was something hungry to the waves, the way they licked the beach so desperately.

Beside us, Leah groaned, contorting her chapped lips between her teeth. I glanced down covertly at her leg while her eyes fluttered shut in pain.

The wound was peculiar, laced and pink around her calf like a calamatous tattoo. A part of me wanted to reach out with my own fingers and trace the angry rose-colored explosions that radiated off her skin. I repressed that urge as Leah gave a little moan.

"Maybe we should get her to a doctor," I suggested again, coloring. Daniel's face darkened and he shook his head firmly.

"I've already explained. That's not what she's comfortable with. We don't believe in medical intervention unless its completely necessary. If it is God's will that she survives, she'll survive," he looked sternly at me, as though I were a very foolish child and not his own age, before glancing once more at his phone screen, his brow furrowed.

"Any update on the Uber?" I tried, anxiety rising in me in tandem with the swell of the tide.

"No, the idiot's been driving in circles and he's still two miles out. Maybe I should just cancel it and we can walk. My phone's about to die anyways," he scowled.

Leah groaned.

"I'm not walking like this," she hissed, her usually clear blue eyes clouded with pain.

"Maybe one of us can jog along the shore and get help," I suggested.

Daniel's frown deepened, but after a moment he rose limberly to his feet, sand scattering off of his swim trunks.

"Stay here, I'm faster than you. Don't do anything stupid. I'll see if there are more people closer to civilization," he hissed as he took off in the direction of the trailhead.

Some of the tightness eased from my muscles as he drifted out of sight. I turned to look at Leah, relieved now that it was just the two of us. She was staring hard at the irritated flesh of her calf, as though she could will the poison to leave her system by sheer force.

"We really should get you to a doctor," I murmured, already knowing what her response would be.

"Can you stop harping on about that," she growled, throwing her head back to glance at the sky, her expression reflecting its stormyness, "That's not an option. Daniel already said no."

"Daniel doesn't have a degree. He doesn't know what he's talking about."

"Well, it's kind of a moot point seeing as we have no ride," she retorted, sighing, looking suddenly exhausted.

I nodded, my throat tight. Where was this wounded feeling coming from?

Leah curled up in a fetal position on the sand, and I watched the damp grains stick to her face.

I shifted so that I could brush some of the hair from her eyes, feeling hollow and helpless all at once.

She jerked away from me, her face burning.

"Someone could see," she hissed furiously.

"No one is anywhere close to us, and Daniel won't be back for a while," I reasoned slowly coloring at the revulsion in her voice.

"I can't deal with this right now, okay? Just leave me alone," she growled, her eyes boring into me with a fervor that caught me off guard.

I stifled a whine.

The breeze picked up, and waves tore ravenously at the sand.

Nodding, I retreated a few paces. How stupid it all seemed now-- the entire trip. I had only gone to be near Leah, to get to be close to her. And now the two of us were stranded on unfamilar sand, her aversion palpable in the air between us, poison winding its way through her bloodstream.

After a long moment, Leah groaned again, gritting her teeth.

"Look, I'm sorry," she tried, and I shrugged. My eyes were going blurry with tears as the breeze picked up.

"I just want to get better. And I want you to get better too," she whispered finally, quietly into the air between us.

"I know," I quipped, my throat tight. I turned my head away from her so that she wouldn't notice the drops sliding down my cheeks.

"We're all fallen by virtue of being human. You know it and I know it. What matters is how you respond to temptation when it's thrown in your path," she continued, sounding like our high school chaplin. How unnerving to hear words like this coming out of her mouth.

"Whatever." I couldn't think of anything else to offer her.

"I know you think your feelings are real, but they're not. Sin loves to masquerade as love, to present itself as something that feels good. But it's just perversion. It's just the devil playing games with your head," she pushed, as though trying to convince herself.

"Okay," I lacked the energy to argue now that the sun was going down.

***

A quarter of an hour later, Daniel returned with a park ranger, the both of them breathing hard. Lightheaded with relief, I watched as the two of them bent over Leah.

While the ranger examined her calf carefully, with broody, penetrating eyes, Daniel looked closely at me. His eyes narrowed, taking in my splotchy face, and I wondered for what felt like the thousandth time if perhaps somehow he had guessed.

But no, it wasn't likey. We had all only met recently.

"Yup, this certainly looks like a box jelly sting," the ranger intoned after a few minutes of prodding and appraising, "Which makes sense because we usually see a spike in reports of stings from jellyfish in the nine or so days following a full moon. It draws them out, and y'all are right on schedule."

I recalled, feverishly, the way the full moon had gleamed the night before, looming out over the water like a queer, beautiful omen. Leah shuddered from her place on the sand.

"How do we treat it?" I asked quickly, "Does she need to see a doctor?"

But the ranger was already nodding.

"Generally we recommend that if you're stung, you seek out immediate medical treatment, just in case you go into shock. Stings like this are rarely fatal, but better to be safe. They just hurt a lot," he shot an apologetic look at Leah, patting her lightly ont he shoulder.

"We're not going to a hospital," Daniel interjected, glaring at me, "It doesn't allign with our beliefs."

The ranger glanced skeptically between the three of us, putting his hands up in a gesture that plainly said whatever.

"If you insist on treating her from home, I'd recommend soaking the afflicted area, in this case her leg, in hot water for at least twenty minutes to a half hour. Not scalding water, but hot, you know? Like 113 degrees. Don't attempt to scrape any of the stingers out-- that's not particularly effective or sanitary. And no home remedies, like amonia or urine," he listed off quickly, "I'm gonna go ahead and call you a car so we can get her back to your hotel, alright?"

Daniel nodded, and the ranger moved off a ways, barking into his radio.

I pretended not to feel the weight of Daniel's eyes on me as we waited for the car to arrive, for all of the good that did.

***

The hours passed with agonizing slowness as the sun sank heavily over the horizon. Leah wouldn't let me near her until Daniel had returned satisfied to his own room, and the two of us were alone again in ours.

As the door shut with a rustle and click behind him, she moved in closer to me, letting out a shakey exhale.

"It hurts," she whined, a tear trickling down the side of her face. I brushed it away gently with the pad of my finger.

"I know. Say the word and we take you to a hospital," I reminded her, but she shook her head.

"I'll be fine," she forced a smile.

I held an ice pack to the afflicted skin, while she clutched my hand, breathing hard.

"On a scale from one to ten how much does it hurt?" I asked.

"Seven," she expelled through gritted teeth. And so I brushed her sweaty, tangled hair from her face, holding her close.

***

"I'm sorry about earlier," she whispered into my ear around two in the morning, tucked between my arms. I stiffened, not saying anything.

"You seem different. And I get it. I made it seem like it was one-sided when it's not and I treated you like trash. That's not me," she continued, drawing back a ways to look me in the eyes. I could almost believe her, the way she said it.

"Don't apologize. You were in pain," I retorted flatly.

"But it wasn't okay, and now I feel like I've messed something up," she goaded, the worry evident in her expression.

I shook my head, not meeting her eyes.

"You couldn't possibly mess anything up," I answered simply, hoping that she would drop it. I wasn't sure how else to tell her about the strange feeling that had come over me that afternoon on the beach, as she shuddered on the sand and I was powerless to help her.

A cool, liquid acceptance that neutralized every passion in me and left me hollow and shelled out.

***

The next morning at breakfast, Leah passed me a guava as she plopped down beside me at the table. The boys had requisitioned a booth across the room, and I had expected her to join them. She flashed me a nervous look, and I took the ripe fruit gratefully.

"Did you end up getting any sleep?" she hummed, "I'm sorry I made you stay up all night tending to me." Under the table, her hand gripped mine with feverish intensity.

"Dont apologize," I repeated, attempting to lighten the mood, "You were fighting off a deadly marine poison. That's intense."

She nodded slowly.

A silence stretched out between us, as I chewed the corner of my lip.

"When we get back home, I'm leaving the church," I murmured so quietly that I wondered if she would even be able to hear me.

Her eyes were unreadable, and so I continued.

"I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much. We're going to be in college next year anyways so it might be good to try something new," I broke off, my throat tight.

"You're trying to outrun sin," she offered, "Or God, or both, but it won't work."

I shook my head.

"Then you're trying to leave me," her voice cracked.

"No, I want you to come with me, but I know you won't."

She exhaled slowly, staring at her fingernails.

"It's okay," I added, "You're not ready. That's fine."

She nodded, shuddering.

I wondered vaguely if I was making the wrong decision. But there was that feeling again, as certain as the full moon, as the waves dancing upon the shore.

"For the record, I think you're already saved," Leah expelled in a rush, jerking to her feet. In another moment she was gone in the direction of the boy's table. My heart hammered dully in my chest as I watched her back recede.

You're already saved. Those words echoed fiercely in my head. What could she have meant by that?

That she loved me, yes. That she couldn't stop me, or wouldn't try, maybe.

It felt more like a goodbye than anything else.

A goodbye drenched in something like grace I could not access.

Overhead, the palms flickered in the breeze, impartial to the drama playing out below them.

God is everywhere, they seemed to say.

I shut my eyes against it all, taking comfort in the hollow darkness behind my eyelids.