The city of the Lost

It was the second day of our vacation, and I was ready to board the miniature plane to return home. If one person wasn't screaming about their belonging being moved another was miserable for a more ridiculous reason.

Family fun.

Being the middle child of five I knew I could wander the jungle on my own with my absence unnoticed. It was a bit sad when I first realized my near invisibility at the age of six. My mother was taking all of the kids for a nice walk on a cool fall morning. Everyone was ready and out the door before I could even get my socks on. They all headed out without me; the fun part of the story was they didn't tell me they would be switching up the normal walk route. By the time I got out the door they were out of sight, per usual I exited our small single story four-bedroom home and turned left. While I was walking down the road into town everyone else was walking up the road toward the stream that ran by a few houses north.

To say I was a bit afraid when no-one was easily seen would be vastly misrepresented. I went into a full-on panic. I began running down the road as quickly as I could, even at six I knew a young girl wandering the streets on her own was not the best or safest idea.

To sum it all up I finally decided to run back up the hill to my home only to find that everyone else had already arrived back home and hadn't missed me at all.

Not even my mother.

The woman who birthed me. Of all people I would have thought the woman would have noticed my absence, but apparently not.

My running through the front door out of breath only caused annoyance because my breathing was too loud. That left me in tears and so confused. I will forever remember, that day as it was the proof I was always afraid of. I was forgettable. I was much more quiet than my siblings. I preferred to stick to myself reading, writing, playing word games. Every now and then we would all do something together but I enjoyed my solitude.

Luckily this vacation hadn't turned into that holiday movie with that blond kid, I can’t remember the name, but I was at least not left behind. Although at this age I think I could fair just as well as he did.

This morning started with Janice and Tricia, my two older sisters, fighting over who was going to wear the blue bathing suit. For reference this bathing suit is actually mine. Not that they care. Our parents had us all so close together that the three of us wear the same size, now that we're all in high school. Which works out both great and terrible. Saves my parents money but gives me a headache.

As they argue I exit the small rental camp. It’s a cute space but like most everything its too many people in a far too small space. Sardines.

Making my way down the front steps I wandered around the yard. It was set up for outdoor games of any variety. The volleyball net we all used last night. My two younger brothers (Thomas and Wrett) and mother were against me, my dad and Janice. Tricia couldn’t play because she might sprain a hair follicle. Alright that wasn’t her excuse, but it was equally as foolish. She cares more about her hair than probably anything else. Heaven help her when she decides to have children I thought to myself.

Continuing around the firepit I discovered a path into the jungle I hadn't seen yesterday. It was not hidden by any means, it was just overgrown. The ferns covered the path at the base while the towering trees surrounding it concealed the entrance.

Looking over my shoulder I checked to see if anyone else was outside. For some reason there was a deep desire to go on this adventure alone. The fact I was not afraid was astounding. I have never been a big fan of solo adventures, especially not into the woods, having solitude at home is one thing. A foreign jungle is another. But today it seemed right. This moment seemed right.

Using my right hand, I brushed the ferns from the path. As I followed the overgrown path, I was surprised to see the further I ventured into the undergrowth the larger and more trodden the path became. I wound around large trees, the roots protruding from the ground.

For a moment I paused, running my fingers down the tree's rough skin. I couldn't help but wonder how long it had been growing here. How many others had stood in this spot admiring its beauty. For I could not help the awe I felt over this magnificent tree. I could stand between the scattering roots as they themselves towered over me. I remember seeing something on a documentary with my father one night about the trees in the rainforest. This must be the one that could grow up to 200 feet tall.

Kapok Tree, I believe is what it was called. A unique name for an equally unique tree. I made my way around the tree, gently letting my hand graze the surface as I moved.

Nestled in the roots on one side was a small frog. Judging by the brightness of its skin I stepped back. I was not foolish enough to test the potential poison on its skin. I looked at it a moment, thinking again how amazing this place was. The creatures I knew were lurking among the trees keeping their whereabouts hidden.

They were clever I supposed. Waiting, biding their time to see if I am a preditor. As I looked above me all I saw was leaves and trees. I was not familiar with many of the species within the forest but appreciated the shade they provided.

As I wandered further down the path I couldn't help but wonder if anyone had noticed my absence.

"Probably not," I mumbled to myself. Now don't get me wrong, I am not a woe is my type of person, but the feeling of being invisible and forgettable has its downfalls.

As I allowed myself a moment of self pitty I found the path was getting narrow again. I hoped it wouldn't disappate all together, I had found a sense of peace as I walked this deserted path. The only sounds were birds and the rustling of leaves here and there.

As I was careful to continue on the path I could smell water. I had never realized coming up on water in a forest would have a smell, but it did. Not like the salt water of the ocean. Something different. Something unique.

Taking a deep breath, I rounded a corner revealing the slow gurgling river. The path led to a small, wooded bridge. It certainly had better times. The water and most likely other objects had caused severe distress on its edges.

Tentatively I stretched out my right foot. Gently tapping the toe of my shoe on the first board. It didn’t budge. I shifted to press my weight to its surface. Still no movement. The look of the bridge hinted it would be unsafe, so far it passed all my tests.

Each step across the bridge was taken slowly and with purpose. Careful not to step on any spots that looked particularly precarious. The other bank appeared far faster than I expected. The anxiety of watching every step had taken up the forefront of my mind.

Looking back over my shoulder I wondered if anyone had noticed my absence. My heart was torn by my hopes. I obviously want to be noticed, while at the same time I want to be left to my solitude. I can only take so much of everyone's drama.

Turning back to focus on the path ahead of me I couldn’t help but feel a calm wash over me. For the first time in a long time, I felt I could just be me. I was so different than most of my siblings it could be difficult to do anything together. Someone was always mad at another. I couldn’t help but wonder if things would always be that way?

Is this something everyone will outgrow?

Pondering the future I found myself encroaching on a pond. Movement in the corner of my eye prompted me to take cover behind a large boulder by the edge of the path. Out in front of me sat two creatures I would ever have expected to see.

It was odd to see two creatures I had assumed were essentially opposites side by side. As it was they sat together on the bank of this desolate pond. The mermaid petting the neck of a phoenix. I mean a creature of fire alongside one of water. One could extinguish the other, but they sat together, two isolated creatures. Perhaps we find those to befriend who are equally different. Albeit different in our own ways but different non the less. We are more accepting. Since we do not fit into a neat mold, we have no issues with others who do the same.

In that moment I couldn’t help but wonder if I were more like these creatures that I ever realized. Maybe instead of hiding within my family I need to embrace who I am. Just be myself and then my family will be able to accept me.

It was in that moment that I realized how much I hide behind my books, and crafts. Its not that they ignore me its more that I don't usually participate. I need to give them the opportunity to accept me.