The Bloop Man

“Wanna hear the one about the bloop man?”

“No.”

“Oh, come on! Why not? What the hell’s the matter with you?”

“Dude, you already told it to me!”

“I did? No, I didn’t. When did I do that?”

“Like, I don’t know, like 46 or 47 years ago?”

“What?! Oh, oh…turn right up here. You’re gonna have to get over. Good on my side. I don’t remember telling you that joke, dude.”

“You totally did. We were riding…”

“Right at this next stop sign up here. Ok, go ahead.”

“We were riding bikes all over the compound, like for three hours. Sophomore year, I think, maybe like in between sophomore and junior year?”

“Huh, I don’t think I remember. How’d it go? If I told it to you, how’d it go?”

“Oh, no. I’m not falling for that.”

“Oh, Come on! How’d it go? There was this guy, right?”

“No, wait. Don’t do that.”

“There was this guy, right? He’s working for the government.”

“Yes, that’s how it started. That’s exactly how you started it, but I’m not doing this.”

“Oh, shit, I shoulda drove.”

“Wait. What? Why? What’s wrong with my car?”

“No, it’s not your car, man, it’s all the turns. And Boston, you know, it’s just easier to do it than have to…you need to go left at this next light, too. Boston drivers suck and…Right up there. No, not this one, go through this one and then take the next left.”

“Ok, got it. Got it.”

“Ok, so you’re gonna stay on this road all the way straight. Just go straight. It’s like another 10 blocks or something. I’ll tell you when. Keep going with your story.”

“Dude, I don’t want to.”

“Tell me, man! Come on! You’re doing great.”

“Ok, you said, “There’s this guy, right?””

“Ha! Ha! Classic. It’s how I always tell my stories. There’s this guy, right?”

“Right. And it never gets old…no, really. Never. Anyway, this guy gets a guvmint job working for a top-secret agency and they send him up to Alaska to work on the Bloop machine.”

“No, no, no. I don’t think you’re telling it right.”

“It’s what you told me, bro. This is exactly how you told it to me.”

“I ain’t buyin’ it. I think you’re making it up to keep me from telling you about it now. If I’m being honest I think you hate my jokes, have always hated my jokes…oh, shit! My bad. It’s the next block up there and you have to be in the left lane. Jackass! God these fuckin’ Boston drivers. I shoulda drove. Get in the left lane, dude, turn left right up here.”

“Ok, ok! I got it. No worries.”

“Ok, stop right here.”

“What? Why?”

“Stop! Stop the car!”

“What the fuck, man?”

“Just stop and pull off to the right, right here.”

“Okay! Okay!”

“Now look up. See up there? We’re on Landsdowne Street right now. See it?”

“Holy shit, dude! Is that the CITGO sign? Ooh, then where’s the Green Monster? Is it right here?”

“Look to your left. Right there, that shadow. We’re parked right next to it. Under it.”

“Oh my god! Wow! That’s so fuckin’ awesome. Haha! That’s great man. Haha! I didn’t even see it.”

“I thought you’d like that.”

“I do. I really do. Now I need a picture.”

“Ok. Can’t park here very long, but ok.”

“That’s so great. Thanks, brother. Good surprise.”

“Can't come to Boston and not see the Green Monster. Too bad they're not playing now. Ok…let’s get back to the house. They’re probably gonna wonder why it took us so long.”

“Right. Got it. But you’re gonna have to tell me where to go.”

“I shoulda fuckin’ drove.”

“I got it. Just tell me where to turn.”

“It’d be easier if I drove.”

“I’ll drive, you just tell me where to turn. And I’ll tell you about the stupid bloop man joke you told me 100 years ago. There’s this guy, right?”

“Haha. Right. Ok. Keep going straight.”