The Barn

She told herself that if she heard one more glass being shattered or just one more candle being bashed into an unsuspecting wall, that she would escape. She huddled into a ball draped beneath a tattered blanket in the circular wicker chair that she had brought with her from her last relationship. The one thing of value that she was able to retrieve and claim as her own.

Jamie breathed in the dust and filth of the blanket that clung to her pale, haggard frame that could convince anyone that she was an adolescent in that awkward transition stage. Somewhere beneath her unkept and gaunt appearance, was a pretty 34-year-old that had been repeatedly injured in life as though she was just an expendable animal being used in everyone else’s dogfight.

But there she was. Again. A familiar scenario as it was 5:43 p.m. and she was bracing herself for the arrival of Rick, her boyfriend of nearly two years. He always arrived just before 6 when he finished up his work as a car mechanic. She loved him but was never sure how his mood might be when he got home.

When they first moved in together, things were wonderful. She would find things in the pantry to throw together for dinner to greet him after a hectic day. Jamie navigated her every move to please him. She was driven by doing all she could to keep him happy and it seemed to come from a genuine place inside her.

But things had changed in the past several months. The little things that she did for him only seemed to irritate him or draw harsh criticism. It confused her but she internalized his hurtful comments and used them as fuel to do better.

Just then, she heard faint rustling on the stairs leading to their unkept and rickety porch just outside their back door. She knew he was home. She listened intently for the heaviness of his steps as she learned to read his cadence to discern his mood well before she was greeted by loathing in his eyes.

That night was not going to be good.

She listened for yet one more pounding of his heavy boot to confirm what she already suspected. He let her know that he was about to take the seemingly endless supply of rage inside him, out on her that evening and he hadn’t even opened the door yet.

Jamie’s heart began to pound, and her mind desperately searched for anything she might have said or done to upset him. She quickly and abruptly peeked over the partition that separated the kitchen from the living room to make sure there was not one dirty dish left in the sink. She felt her chest tighten and body start to tremble just slightly as she saw the half empty coffee cup sitting there staring her in the face.

“Oh my God,” she said as she convinced herself that she had failed and that her irresponsibility would cause Rick to explode. She had no time to rush into the kitchen and even attempt to throw it in the trash so he wouldn’t see it.

Just then the back door opened. It opened into the little hallway that led to the kitchen. It was warm out, so Rick stopped and removed his work boots before walking down the hall. There was an eerie silence as Jamie held on to herself as if she had somehow summoned a mother instinct to hold her.

“Jamie!” he yelled as he entered the kitchen.

“Yes?” she said as she forced herself to get out of the chair, shove her fear to the side, put on a I-am-so-happy-to-see-you smile, and greet the man she so wildly loved.

Jamie approached Rick in the kitchen and was met with a diabolical energy and a seething hatred as he pointed to the coffee cup that littered the counter next to the sink. Before Jamie could pretend, that she was just about to wash it and put it away, Rick grabbed it and threw it toward her. She felt the cold, sticky splash of the coffee spray her hair and shirt as she dodged the path of the chipped white ceramic cup.

She was terrified, yet again, and begged Rick for forgiveness as she delicately moved away from him. She knew she had a bag ready in the closet next to the back door that she had prepared earlier in the day just in case.

“I work my ass off all day and all you have to do is keep this house up! You can’t even do that! You are a worthless piece of shit!” he yelled as he justified his abuse.

“I am sorry Rick!! I am sorry!!!” she started crying and continued to back away from him. Just as she stepped back a little more, she stepped on a shattered piece of the cup, and it crunched loudly underneath her worn out LA Gear shoes.

Rick became infuriated as he rushed to the utility closet down the hall away from the kitchen to retrieve a broom.

“I need to get out now,” she frantically whispered to herself as she found herself in that familiar emotional tunnel that slowed down her every movement. She hated it. She felt as though she was not even in her body, and she had no control over it.

Something inside her snapped as she found her bearings, quietly ran down the hall, opened the door to grab her already packed bag, and slipped silently out the back door. It was still light outside so she had to be careful not to do anything that would allow Rick to suspect she was anywhere but inside that house waiting for him to beat her with the broom.

Jamie ran towards a wooded area just about 50 yards from their house and found a clearing on the other side of a large tree, well out of the vision of anyone who might be coming from their back yard. She caught her breath and felt intense panic take over inside her. She wanted to cry and scream in fear, and she briefly contemplated going back to him. But again, something took over inside her mind and gave her instant strength and resolve to continue her escape from that living hell.

She continued to walk in the wooded area away from the house, constantly looking back over her shoulder to see if Rick was behind her. She carefully tiptoed around the branches and thicker piles of leaves on the ground to avoid making any sound that might draw attention to her.

The woods seemed to go on and on. She had lived in that house for a while but had never taken the time to check out her surroundings. Jamie was enclosed inside overgrown trees, weeds and brush that would have unnerved her on any other day. The frightened little girl that she presented to the world was nowhere to be found as she forged through spider webs, creeping bugs, and a host of spooky critters all scattering as she approached them.

Two hours or more pass as Jamie gets through the wooded area and comes upon a stream of water. She looks behind her to make sure she doesn’t see Rick and then she looks back at the stream. It would have been a beautiful scene if she weren’t tormented by her situation, but she looked at the water and then the other side and saw an old barn.

It was getting a little darker out so she figured she would attempt to get to that barn and maybe try to rest for the night. It appeared abandoned but it seemed to have a stable foundation, so she located some larger rocks a little way downstream and stepped on them to cross the water hoping to avoid getting her shoes wet.

She made it.

Jamie pulled her bag off her shoulder and placed it on the grass next to her so that she could rest and recover from the heaviness she had carried for several miles.

“I just have to make it to that barn,” she said to herself as she tried to keep her body from collapsing. She felt her legs begin to tremble the longer she stood there. Her arms felt like they had lifted a truck and were no longer a part of her body.

Again, a determination took over her and she continued until she got to the barn.

She opened the door as it creaked on its rusted hinges, and immediately, she heard the loud rhythmical fluttering of birds whisk by her and out the broken window on the backside of the barn. Jamie instinctively ducked as the birds frantically flew over her head to get out.

She stepped inside and looked around. The barn was enormous with what appeared to be large open stalls on one side and a handmade ladder leaned up against the floor of a loft that overlooked the open spaces beneath it. It smelled of old straw, must, and dirt. Nothing offensive, just primitive with the odor of raw nature.

“This will have to do,” she said to herself as she evaluated her new home.

Jamie walked around and looked in every space, every stall, every nook and cranny that seemed to emit a distinct loneliness. Almost like the old barn had a noble use at one time but had been discarded as it had served its purpose. Whatever it was, it made her feel welcome - like she was supposed to be there.

Jamie put her bag down by the ladder so she could test its sturdiness without extra weight. The first step felt stable, so she clutched the sides of the small tree trunks forming the exterior and continued to ascend until she reached the top. She looked around and saw two large spaces separated by the diagonal beam of the barn structure. There was a large stack of straw piled up in one of the corners, so she decided to walk over to it as her mind started convincing her that it would be the best place for her to rest.

She reached down and started to pull the straw apart to see if she could build some sort of make-shift bed for herself. She continued pulling and spreading the straw until she created a little nest-like opening. She made a sheepish grin as she realized that she would be sleeping in a bed of hay for God knows how long.

Jamie went back down to retrieve her bag and then returned. The darkness of the barn was getting to be too much for her, but she was still able to navigate somewhat by the moon that delivered a sufficient, yet soothing glow through the broken window of the barn.

She pulled out her bottles of water and neatly stacked them on a beam that supported a wall next to her. She kept her packets of tuna and other non-perishable, easy access food items tucked into her bag in case a mouse or rat tried to get into it. She found a rusty nail that was not completely nailed into the barnwood and hung her bag on it, and then pulled out the neatly folded blanket she had brought with her.

Jamie rested in the straw, wrapped tightly in her blanket, and she drifted off to sleep.

At about 3:45 a.m. she was awakened by a loud cry of an owl that seemed to literally be sharing her bed of hay. She jumped up in fear and tried to look around, but it was so dark she could see very little.

“Screeeeeech!” She heard it again and could tell that it was an owl inside the barn with her.

“Oh my god,” she said as her mind raced through its archives to recall anything it could about owls. She couldn’t remember any stories in her instant reflection that told her that owls were dangerous to people so she started to calm down. Her eyes had adjusted slightly to the dark, so she was able to see some silhouettes and other large structures in the barn.

Just as she was beginning to give up on spotting the owl, she noticed a dark shape in the corner beam of the barn next to a window. There it was…the owl that appeared to be looking straight down upon her.

“Wow,” she whispered to herself as she marveled at its stately and commanding presence.

“You are handsome, Mr. Owl,” she said as she continued to look.

She began to lie back down, not taking her eyes off the owl to make sure she kept it in her limited vision, and she drifted back off to sleep again.

In what seemed to be 10 minutes, Jamie was awakened by the piercings of sun that shot through the subtle cracks in the barn. She sat up and stretched and looked back at the beam to see if the owl was still there. It was gone. She ran her fingers through her long brown hair to attempt to loosen the knots and to get the straw out.

She decided to walk outside and look around. She grabbed a $20 from the wad of $500 that she packed in her back and put it in the back pocket of her jeans and went out the door she had come into the evening before.

She was immediately greeted by the blaring sun, so she squinted and put her hand over her eyes to allow time to adjust. She looked around and saw a new lot of wooded area. She proceeded to walk toward it.

As she was leaving, Steve, the owner, happened to be walking behind the barn and spotted Jamie as she was entering the wooded area on his property.

“What?” he said puzzled.

“Who is that?” he said to himself again as he observed a young female walking away.

“Hey! Are you ok?” he yelled. But Jamie was too far to hear him. She continued walking and had no knowledge of his presence.

Steve wasn’t sure if she came out of his barn, so he decided to go in and look around. As he entered the barn he looked everywhere as he stood in the doorway and didn’t notice anything out of place.

“Well, I guess she was just walking by,” he said to himself as he stepped out and heard the door latch behind him.

Steve turned around and walked back. As he approached his house which was situated about 25-30 yards away, tucked behind some large trees. He walked into his house and pondered the unusual scenario that he had just encountered. He grabbed a coffee mug and poured some freshly brewed coffee and sat down at his kitchen table.

He shook his head and chuckled as he took a sip. As he finished drinking his coffee took off his rubber boots that he had put on to change into his leather boots that he has had for 15 years. They looked pretty beat up, but they were quality boots that kept his feet protected from the elements and farm equipment mishaps.

He grabbed a large thermos, put some ice in it, filled it with water and headed out to start up his tractor. It was going to be warm again that day, even though it was mid-April in Nebraska. He left his house and continued with his daily chores putting the strange woman sighting experience out of his mind.

Meanwhile, Jamie had made her way through the wooded areas and spotted a highway in the distance. “Oh, thank god, I have to be close to a store,” she said to herself. She continued and walked alongside the road, but still inside the covering of the trees so she wouldn’t be spotted. She started to feel the panic of being seen by Rick, and she found herself back in her tormented mind.

She kept going and she recognized a brand name of a popular gas station. Its gasoline prices were digitally displayed high in the air. She clandestinely approached the building and looked frantically around her. She didn’t recognize anyone, so she walked in. She went straight to the bathroom then washed up while she was in there. She stepped out and purchased some items to eat with her $20 and began her trek back to the barn.

She made it back and went back up to the loft area and ate some peanut butter crackers and some cheap beef jerky she bought. She put the rest away in her bag which was still hanging on the nail. She was very hungry, but she didn’t dare eat too much.

Four days passed and Jamie’s life remained the same in that barn. Day in, day out it was the same routine. The owl continued to join her every night and she developed a fondness of him as she imagined that he stationed himself there to watch over her. And he did just that as he positioned himself high on that beam that looked upon her every night.

Another morning arrived and Jamie sat up to greet the day yet again. She had lost track of time and had no idea what day it was. She knew she needed to go back to town to get more food, so she got another $20 and the change she had and headed out of the barn.

Off through the woods she went and once again found the gas station that had become a source of joy for her. She looked around again to see if she could spot Rick, and when she didn’t, she quicky ran into the building. She went straight to the bathroom and did all she could to wash her body and clean herself. She pulled paper towels down and crumpled a piece up so that she could run it over her teeth to get the buildup of film off them. Her hair was beginning to get a little matted and oily, but she told herself she would try to quickly wash her hair in the sink the next day.

Jamie stepped back into the store, found some shampoo and other food and drink items, paid for them, and headed back to the barn. She dodged any suspicious looks from people inside the store. She looked very unkept, but she was functioning so no one seemed to really pay any attention.

As Jamie approached the barn, she clutched the bag of groceries with one hand and reached for the door with the other hand. As she opened the door, Steve turned the corner and spotted her entering his barn.

“Hey, what are you doing? That is my barn,” he said in a surprised manner.

Jamie froze and became paralyzed with fear.

She couldn’t speak as she stood there looking into the barn with her head intentionally facing away from him in a strange form of denial. She slowly backed out of the barn and felt tears well up in her eyes as she processed the multitude of consequences that could land on her.

She broke. The emotion of everything that she had been through took over and she began sobbing.

“Hey, are you ok? Can I help you?” said Steve in a stressed but loving way.

She continued to sob and was unable to respond to him. Steve carefully approached her and reassured her that she would be ok and that he wanted to help her.

“I am not going to hurt you. You need help. Talk to me. Please,” he said in a soft, gentle tone.

Jamie turned to him with her head down. He could see streaks of dirt on her face in places she missed while washing up in the gas station. He looked at her frail body and saw her jeans filled with stick tights and those brown balls that are full of prickly spikes. With her hair caught in the tears on her face, she stopped crying and looked up at him.

“Please forgive me. I just needed a place to stay for a minute. I will leave. I am so sorry,” she said as she attempted to say anything to get out of that situation.

Steve wanted to invite her into his house, but he sensed her intense anxiety and fear, so he didn’t dare approach that. Instead, he talked to her to get her to engage with him so that she might begin to trust him. Even if it was a fleeting trust. He knew she needed help.

Jamie talked with him some more and he offered to hold her bag for her.

“Why don’t you let me hold your bag. I promise to give it back to you if you want it or need it,” he said.

No person had ever spoken to her that way. No person had ever offered to help her with anything or allow her to decide if she did or didn’t want something. It was always Jamie chasing someone else’s demands or desires and there was never a stable target. The target was always moving, and it always seemed to bring terror upon her when she missed.

Jamie handed the bag filled with Ritz crackers, canned Vienna sausages, and three bottles of water. He could see the contents of the bag as he took it from her, and his heart fell into his stomach. He realized that she was the person he saw last week and that she was indeed living in his barn.

“Thank you. What is your name? I’m Steve,” he said.

“Jamie,” she responded.

“Listen, I need to run to town to pick up some feed at the store, why don’t you come into my house and take a shower and clean up. I saw you several days ago, but I didn’t know you were staying inside here,” he said as he let her know that he was aware of her homeless situation.

Jamie wanted to flee but she understood that she had no place to go, and she was not about to go back to Ricks. She felt the filth that coated her thin frame, and she smelled the stench of her unclean body, and it was almost too much for her to bear. She reluctantly agreed.

“I have a couple things in here, can I get them?” she asked

“Let me get them for you, Jamie. What do you want me to get?” asked Steve as he tried to contemplate what all she had in his barn.

“I just have my bag and blanket up in the loft over on that side,” she said as she pointed to the area where she had been sleeping.

Steve went in to retrieve her things and they walked back to his house. He showed her where she could shower, which was right next to a spare bedroom. She looked around and saw hardwood floors with the kind of rugs she had seen at her grandma’s before she passed away. The house reminded her of her grandmother’s house as all the rooms were boxed in and there was a natural creak to the floors and the doors as you opened them. But it was spacious and well kept.

She thanked him as he reminded her that he was leaving so that she would feel as comfortable as she could. As he left, he gunned his truck so that she could hear his departure and feel safe. She stepped into the bathroom, locked the door and drew a hot bath.

She felt the steam rise from the tub as it filled with warm water inviting her to step in. As she entered the water, she felt her muscles relax and then tighten again as her body became overwhelmed by the sensation. She felt a depth of gratitude that she had never known.

Jamie washed her body and her hair and dried off. She put on the tights and a t shirt that she had in her bag and wadded up the dirty clothes she had been wearing. She found a washer and dryer and started the load, then found his couch in the living room and wrapped herself up on the blanket that draped over the back of it.

Hours later she heard Steve arrive back at the house. He entered the door and called out her name in order not to frighten her. She let him know she was in the living room as she had drifted off to sleep and abruptly woke up as she heard him open the door.

He walked in and joined her in the living room. She was a little more alive than he remembered her to be just hours before. Her face and cheeks were pink from the blood flow released by the warm water and relaxed surroundings. Her hair had dried but was clean and it rested nicely below her shoulders as it exposed her natural beauty.

Steve sat in the chair next to her and they talked. She shared her situation with him and assured him that she would leave and not be a burden.

“I can’t let you go without a plan. You don’t have a safe place to go,” he said as he found words to remind her of her predicament and encourage her to stay in his spare bedroom.

“I cannot let you go back to that guy you left, Jamie. You know you can’t go back,” he pressed on.

“At least stay in my spare bedroom for a while until you find a safe place to go, can you promise that? He pleaded. His heart was breaking for her and her willingness to live in an abandoned barn so that she didn’t inconvenience anyone.

“Okay,” she responded with tears streaming down her face.

He handed her a bag of large fries and a double hamburger from Wendy’s as he knew she needed to eat, and he didn’t want to waste another second by bothering to cook. She was starving and she took the food and ate as much as she could but was not able to finish much. They continued to talk into the evening hours and then they went into separate bedrooms for the night.

Several weeks pass and the two share a deeply painful but beautiful bond as they grow to care about each other. Jamie continued to gain strength both physically and emotionally as he went to work, and she helped care for his home while he was out. She realized that he was always very appreciative of her help in the house, something she had never experienced before. It was always demanded and expected, certainly never appreciated.

One Saturday night rolled around and the two prepared a dinner together. They shared the kitchen and discovered a new energy that had developed between them. It was a sensual energy that had been emerging but had not been completely recognized until they shared the intimacy of cooking together.

They grazed each other as they warmed their food over the stove. She walked behind him and intentionally wrapped her fingers around his powerful arm as she passed by him. His body lit up with an energy that he understood to be beyond a casual response. He felt the electricity blaze from his forearm directly to his heart.

Later that evening, when the sun had gone down and they finished their meal, Steve took her hand and walked into the living room with her. The couch was up against the large picture window with the curtains pulled to each side. The moon was beaming through the night sky and directly into the window. There was plenty of light for a romantic ambiance as the two sat down on the couch.

Steve reached over and softly kissed her.

She responded as her heart swelled with emotion.

He looked at her with the glow of the moon illuminating her face.

“I care about you, Jamie,” he said.

She felt her throat tighten as she held back tears. She looked down not knowing what to say.

“I am so thankful,” she said as she reflected on millions of glorious gifts he had given her in just those few short months.

“You know, when I was sleeping out there,” she said as she pointed outside.

“There was this owl that would come in and rest on a beam way up high. I felt like he was watching over me and protecting me every night,” she said as her newfound feelings summoned that memory.

“I have seen him around here for years and he always perched himself on the tractor shed,” explained Steve with a surprised tone.

“He stayed here all the time and I always noticed him sitting up there just observing everything around him. I never saw him sitting anywhere besides the shed,” he continued.

Steve paused in amazement as he realized that the owl had purposefully entered the barn.

“He was watching over you. Barn owls are very protective, and they take care of their mate…for life, Jamie,” he said as he lifted her chin and looked intently into her eyes.

“What you deserve,” he whispered.

Without saying another word, she understood that Steve had provided the same thing to her and that she was safe in his arms as he had watched over and protected her. In that beautiful moment, an unspoken love was formed.

She realized, through his words, that he would be there to love her and take care of her.

For life.