The Bad News

I forget where I was when they told me. That moment where my heart stopped, where my stomach fell and where my world shattered into a thousand fragments. My picturesque life was never going to be what I had ever thought it should be. Even if we managed to make it through this hellish battle for life that lies before us, we would be forever scarred – forever tethered to the events of that day.

All I remember is the shocking pain that my mind fumbled with. Was what I was being told true? How could it possibly be true? There wasn't a shred of reason my mind could comprehend at the time. Reeling, I wandered through the cluster of people gathered around me. Seeing no faces, only outlines of shapes, I walked away – out through a door into the silence of a cramped dark empty room. The door shut softly behind me and then the murmurs could be heard. Venomous judgmental gossip from the people who were just offering me their condolences. They will never look at me or at my family the same ever again.

Burying myself beneath the worry, hurt, shock, sadness and fear of my uncertain future and if I am even capable of carrying on, I find myself completely overwhelmed and tears quickly stream down my cheeks. Sick to my stomach, I fall to my knees and cup my hands over my face, “God! How am I supposed to get through this? How can I go on? Why is this happening?” I sobbed aloud as the anguish consumed me.

I remained alone in this small dark room, crying on the floor for a little while before I heard someone come in behind me. They did not speak, they just turned the light on dimly. I didn't bother to greet them, nor did I care that they could hear my obvious grief. They stood behind me for what seemed like a long time before I felt a comforting touch on my back. “Why are you so upset?” a man’s voice asked me gently. “My life is ruined – have you not heard the news?” I snapped back at him. He was quiet for a moment, then he spoke to me again, “No, your life is not ruined.” I pulled my hands away from my face for a moment but kept my eyes on the dimly lit floor, “Yes it is.” I said quietly, “All that I wished for in my life will never be. It’s all wrong now.” Then the man sat beside me and put his arm around my shoulders, “It is true, your life has changed, but that does not mean it cannot still be great.” He spoke with such certainty and care that I almost believed him – then the reality and fear of what was going on hit me again and the tears started to fall from my eyes. “How can you say that? You know what I’m up against. How can I be expected to be ‘okay’ with this? How am I supposed to carry on with this forever weighing on me?” I blurted out, the words were heavy and exasperated. “I’ll help you.” He said honestly, “I will be here for you every step of the way.” Upon hearing those words, I felt slightly better. “You will?” I was surprised. “Yes. I will always be right here, right by your side to help you every step of the way.” He said, pulling me close to him.

We sat for a while and he listened to me as I poured my heart out – telling him of all my worries and fears. I told him of all my shortcomings and weaknesses and he simply sat there smiling at me and reassuring me that no matter how critically I felt about myself or how bad I may mess up, he will be there to help guide me back to the right path for my life. By the end of our long talk, I felt so much better about things. The man then came to be and wrapped his arms around me for a heartfelt embrace. Tears fell from my eyes again, but not tears of self-pity or fear of the unknown, but tears of joy and thankfulness. As he pulled back from him I looked into his eyes, “Thank you – thank you for sitting with me and hearing all my troubles.” I said to him, he held up his hand, “That’s why I’m here. I’m here to help and guide you. I’m here to comfort and teach you. I’m here for you no matter what time of day or night.”

With that, he turned and headed back for the door, “Wait, where are you going?” I shouted out as the panic began to rise within me. He then turned to me and said, every so calmly, “Do not be afraid, for I am with you and will rescue you. I know that good will come from this devastating storm you are going through. Surely I will deliver you for a good purpose; surely I will make your enemies plead with you in times of disaster and times of distress. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Then he left through the door.

The small room I was left standing in was no longer dark, or even dim, the whole room was bright white. I stood for a moment, staring at the door, confused and lost and then the realization of my visitor dawned on me. The fear of my uncertain future melted out of the back of my mind. It did not disappear completely as I knew I still had to trudge forward, but the worry had left me. I knew that I had help. I knew that even when I felt alone – I wasn't ever alone. I had someone there with me – always. Someone who would never fail me. Someone who would always help and guide me. To comfort and teach me.

I know that I am imperfect. I know that I will stumble and fall. I certainly know that my life will not go the way that I had always intended it to go for me, but I trust that He has a greater purpose for my life. And upon this realization, I woke up. Through the open window next to my bed I looked up at the deep blue sky while a gentle breeze floated the curtains away from the wall. I took a deep breath and sat up. “I am not doing this alone. I will live through this – and I will flourish. I will bloom where He has planted me and I will show the world what can be done with His help.”

I am still standing here today - never alone.