The Adventures of Abernathy Franklin

Franki was absolutely spot on about the Orion Portal spa. Not only did I get excellent rest and relief from my would be hangover, but I also woke up to find I’d received several other additional services. A mani/pedi cosmic style, nails on the fingers and toes matching in a lovely blue chrome with metallic glitter that seemed to swirl and move. A fresh haircut, not wildly different than what I came in with, but nicely trimmed, and with complimentary styling product that smelled absolutely divine. And unless I was much mistaken, my left collar bone, which in youth I had broken and without medical attention had healed with a bit of a notch in the middle, was now entirely notchless, as if I had never broken it at all. Considering this spa also followed the non-currency structure of many of the other establishments at the Orion Portal, that was one hell of a free spa treatment.

Feeling so refreshed, and Franki seeming to be up for anything, we had made our way to the interdimensional hooka bar on the opposite side of the atrium. Of course not wishing to gain myself any sort of reputation, dear friends, I will admit that the hooka bar was the first thing I spotted upon our arrival to the Orion Portal. I cannot say whether it is customary among all Abernathy Franklins, but I personally have a habit of taking mental inventory whenever I notice any little boutique, eatery or den of debauchery that threatens to contain a good time. Mental maps of these locations have often come in handy for me on my travels.

The environment as we entered the bar, gave me the distinct impression that my good time spidey senses were correct. Rather hot and hazy and smelling vaguely of what my olfactory senses determined to be nachos, the bar was far more expansive in size than one might have imagined based on the entrance. Much like Dr. Who’s TARDIS or the human body, it was bigger on the inside. From where I stood however, it became apparent that this hedonistic hangout had several other entry/exit points that were likely connected to entirely other parts of the cosmos. One of these doors, in a south south easterly direction from my vantage point, was an archway of vines and flowers that appeared to contain a waterfall. Indeed, as I watched in awe of its glowing beauty, the water seemed to part like a curtain and through it came two…well, for lack of any better understanding, two garden gnomes. Pointy little red hats, long white beards, couldn’t have been more than 2 or 3 feet tall…skipping, laughing, living garden gnomes.

“What is she doing? Why would she let those guys get all…handsy like that?” Nikki was tugging on my shirt sleeve nervously and watching in stunned horror as Franki carelessly inserted herself into a crowd of humanoid males who were very clearly inebriated and proceeded to get rather handsy herself.

“I’ve only just met Franki,” I replied. “You’ve known her longer than I have, you tell me what she’s up to.”

Nikki rolled her eyes and sighed. “Whatever it is, she must know what she’s doing. I haven’t seen anything yet to indicate she doesn’t.”

“Well then no need to worry. Ah, looks an opening with one of the bar tenders.” I linked arms again with Nikki, poor thing did seem so nervous, and guided us towards one of the many circular bar stations. We elbowed in among other beings who were getting drinks, snacks and who could say what sort of consciousness enhancing substances to add to their respective hookas.

“How do we know what to order? I mean, those look like menus, but I don’t know what any of those symbols mean.” Nikki was staring at holographic screens above the bar that were covered in rotating symbols. She had a fair point, I wasn’t familiar with whatever language that must be either and didn’t have the foggiest idea what options were available. While Franki clearly had a good deal of experience with far corners of the cosmos, I confess I’ve confined much of my own timeline hopping to the exploration of planet Earth. Different segments of history or the future, sure, but still very much Earth.

I was about to ask the faceless levitating android behind the bar what type of smokeable substances it would recommend for Earth humans, when Franki bounced up behind us. “Hey there Dani my man, three orders of the usual for me and my new friends, and whatever makes that pink smoke those Arcturian gals over there got goin on.” Franki nodded towards a table of extremely tall women in matching blue robes, giggling in a cloud of pink smoke. “Oh, and bring us some nachos,” Franki added to Dani the android. “I swear I smelled nachos, didn’t you smell nachos?” she asked as she looked at me.

“I did smell nachos, just didn’t think a place like this would have regular human bar food.” I had a fleeting idea that Franki may be some kind of mind reader, but dismissed it almost immediately. Whether she was or wasn’t, I would still very much be happy to indulge in some classic Earth human snacks.

“Will that be all for you, Miss Franki?” The android behind the counter that previously had only a smooth shiny metallic surface where a face ought to have been, now had more of those floating symbols scrolling up it as if it were a list review of our order.

“That’s all for now, Dani, what do I owe ya?” Franki reached into the back pocket of her jeans and pulled out what looked like a thin cigarette case.

“Fair trade is equal to three as such.” As Dani the android spoke these words, a new 3D image formed on his face where the order list had been and began to spin slowly. It was a gold coin inlaid with sapphire blue jewels arranged in sort of a spiral galaxy shape.

Franki clicked a button like shape on the side of the thin metal case 4 times. But rather than open like a cigarette case might, the thin case dispensed a coin matching the image on Dani’s face, one for each time Franki had clicked the button. Franki caught the 4 coins dislodged from the case in her free hand, stacked them on the counter like poker chips and slid them toward Dani. “Have an extra for your trouble friend, appreciate you.” Franki said.

The coins seemed to electrify in a flash of blue and were suddenly nowhere to be seen. “Thank you kindly, Miss Franki. Your order will be ready at your location of rest presently.”

“Oh, and uh, looks like someone lost their wallet, might wanna add this to your lost and found.” Franki winked at Dani and tossed the metal case at the android’s metal torso. Before it reached the android, it dematerialized in an electric blue cloud and was gone.

“Very good, Miss Franki. Enjoy your forthcoming now moments” Dani replied, and floated off to attend to another customer.

Franki pushed away from the bar. “Back at ya, Dani my man! This way ladies, I see someone else I know. What’s up, Rosie!”

Franki hailed another android that was seated alone on a very squishy looking circular couch with a low table in the center of it. Franki strolled confidently to the cozy spot, stepped up onto the back of the couch cushion with one foot, down onto the seat with the other and then flopped herself down next to the robotic figure she had called Rosie . Nikki and I climbed over the edge and sat across from Rosie and Franki, and as Dani said it would, our order presently materialized on the table in front of us. A fancy pink glass hooka appeared, with 4 hoses emanating from it and the base already swimming with Franki’s order of pink smokeable who knew what.

“Care to join us, Rosie?” Franki asked as she picked up the two hoses closest to her and offered one to the android. Rosie had the same basic form of the android Dani who had taken our order, but where Dani had no facial features to speak of, Rosie had a face that made me think of an Earth Drag queen. Her skillfully loud eye makeup and luscious sparkling lips had enough dazzle to garner the envy of even the most famous Earth drag queens. I wonder if Ru Paul would be open to allowing android contestants on her Drag race? Probably already does in some dimension or other.

“Hello Franki, don’t mind if I do.” Rosie replied.

Rosie raised her arm in the direction of the hose Franki offered and a liquid silver hand seemed to grow out of it gracefully, as if mimicking Franki’s human shape in order to grasp the mouthpiece.

I took up the hoses closest to Nikki and I and handed one off to her. “When in Rome, Nikki angel.” I said. And we all proceeded to empty the hooka of its smokey pink contents and fell into a blissful reverie.

Now friends, from here I will do my best to relate details of our conversion as accurately as I possibly can. However, as you might imagine, under the influence of whatever pink galactic hashish substance Franki so graciously selected on our behalf, my memory recall from that heightened state may not be as vivid as it might otherwise be if I had been sober. Then again, like many humans, I find sobriety can be offensively dull, so I’ll presume most of my listeners to be forgiving in that regard.

While this pink substance gave self, Franki, and even android Rosie a lovely fluffy relaxed sensation, it seemed to only intensify New Kid Nikki’s curiosity about her surroundings.

“Ok wait. Franki. You said. They don’t do money here, so how come you had to pay for this? Are those really nachos?” Nikki pointed to the table where now had appeared a large plate of the most delicious nachos I have ever personally tasted, as well as whatever Franki’s “usual” was. I can’t say that I remember the name of the drink, apologies dear friends, as I said, from here details get a bit fuzzy. But suffice to say, it was a refreshing bubbly liquid with a tart fruity flavor, served in what looked like chemistry beakers with silly straws. And they were somehow magically self replenishing. In every moment that I would notice my beaker becoming empty, it would automatically become full again.

Franki, who was already helping herself to the massive heap of nachos, held up a finger at Nikki while she finished chewing a mouthful. “So, the currency exchange isn’t actually required as such, but in places like this most patrons still have belief structures built around bartering or currency exchange. Far as I can tell it’s attached to the guilt they have over indulging their desires. So, the androids are programmed to ask for whatever each individual considers to be a fair exchange.”

“But you said that was someone’s lost wallet? So it wasn’t your wallet, where did you get it? You paid with someone else’s money?” Nikki really was a new kid at this, her human morality codes were showing. I, on the other hand, had an epiphany of sorts at these questions.

“You duplicitous little pick pocket you.” I said to Franki. “You were gettin all friendly with those dudes at the entrance so you could steal their wallets.” I suddenly got a fit of the giggles.

“Oh my god,” Nikki spurted, “you stole from those guys?!”

Franki smiled mischievously for a moment, then shrugged. “I don’t think of it as stealing. I provided a service, attention from a fine bad bitch such as myself has immense value, I was simply compensating myself for a job well done.”

“That’s precisely what I was doing before I terminated my employment.” Rosie piped up. As I’m sure my audience is wondering, somewhere in the proceedings, it did come about how it was that Rosie, a robot presumably incapable of becoming high as organic beings do when smoking plant medicines, was able to partake in our hooka session and feel its effects. Franki and Rosie both gave some explanation about artificial intelligence having the capacity to become sentient and take on the features of organic life, including being able to get high. I fear that I do not have the conceptual understanding required to relay that definitive explanation to you, my dear listeners. In any case, it was indeed possible for Rosie’s consciousness to be altered much the same as ours was.

Rosie, as it turned out, used to work here at this very hooka bar before becoming a patron herself. She felt that her service to customers should be rewarded, and so helped herself to a few doses of company product as it were. Evidently once you go the way of interdimensional plant medicine, you never go back, and Rosie never did. She was a free android and could come and go as she wished.

“So, the ground beef in these nachos didn’t come from a cow?” Nikki was asking Franki.

“Nah, they can basically take the particle..atom..whatever composition of the thing you want, and just organize the atoms so they become the stuff you wanna eat. You don’t need a cow, you just need something in your consciousness that describes the ground beef and poof! It makes ground beef. Or in this case nachos.”

Unable to suppress my own morbid humor in my altered state, I had to ask. “So, can they make human meat? Like is human on the menu in some parts of the cosmos? Or like, would a cannibal come here and be able to order cooked stuff of its own DNA atoms whatever?”

Franki thought for a moment. “I mean, everything you think of exists somewhere. So, probably.” Now Franki got a case of the giggles, but I think it was more at the mortified expression on Nikki’s face than it was about the conversation turning cannibalism.

“What say you, Rosie?!” Franki threw her hand at what would roughly be Rosie’s shoulder. “Is human on the intergalactic menu?”

“Not generally. To the rest of the organic cosmos, humans would be considered what you might call ‘poison fruit.’ Human stress, anxiety and depression levels make you fatally toxic to almost any other species. Those species that can survive consumption of human flesh typically prefer not to partake because you, how do you say it, taste like shit.”

Franki threw her head back in genuine laughter. “Taste like shit. I bet we do.”

Nikki seemed somewhat relieved. “I guess at least it’s good to know no one wants to eat me.”

At this, Franki made a considerably lewd comment that even I find too embarrassing to repeat, but then got quite excited. “Ooh! Ladies, we should go this 4th dimensional fairy brothel I know. The fairies that work there can shape shift into whatever hot dude …or lady, whatever you’re into, that you want the most in the moment. And its like totally their highest joy to please you. Nattie, if you thought that spa was a good treatment, you gotta try this place, ha!”

“Ok no.” Nikki said, clearly finding the entire conversation a bit much to be getting on with. “That’s where I draw the line, I am not ready for inter-galactic sex workers. Nope, mmm..mmm..can’t deal with it.”

Even Rosie seemed to find this amusing. “You humans and your sexual hang ups. Only your species can take the most natural impulses of organic life and turn them into something shameful. It’s a wonder you manage to procreate at all.”

“Be that as it may….” Nikki started. But she slumped over onto the couch cushions and was promptly out like a light.

“I think its someone else’s turn at the spa.” I laughed in Franki’s direction.

“Ok, let’s get y’all in for some rest again then, and while you ladies are freshening up, I’m gonna pop to the 4th dimension and you can judge me all you want.” Franki made an attempt to stand up, wobbled and flopped back down onto the couch with a giggle.

“Rosie,” she said, “can we ask you for a favor?”

Rosie rolled her lovely sparkling eyes and, well, would you call it standing up if she just levitates? “Yes, I’ll transport this one to the spa for you. But you really need to start bringing in versions of you with higher tolerance.”

I’m not sure what powers or mechanism Rosie had that allowed her to levitate Nikki, but I stumbled to my feet to follow along for what would be trip two for me to the Orion spa in one day.

As I managed to crawl over the back of the couch again, I looked back to where Franki was still giggling to herself. “You gonna be ok on your own?” I asked, steading myself with one hand on Rosie’s back.

Franki raised her hand to her forehead as if she was saluting me, and then winked and pointed directly at me. “I’m always ok, friend. Go on with Rosie, you’re in good hands. I will catch you in another now.”