Thank you Penelope!

“Fantastic! Thanks a bunch for that! Now that we’ve successfully verified your identity, I’m happy to assist you with regaining entry to your student account! Let me see here…”

(…clacking at speed on the keyboard whilst clicking her tongue like a preppy little stopwatch)

“Wow 2011! It’s been some time since you were with us. Welcome back!”

It has been some time, hasn’t it?! A decade, in fact. Is this a pathetic ‘do-over’ pursuit? Am I pathetic?! I mean, Cooper is 14 now. How the fuck that happened, I’ll never know. And Chad (gosh, don’t even think his name out loud Cara), well he’s off setting up shop with his home-wrecking little…

“Thank you, it’s good to be back!”

Really? Is it though?! Single mother, topping up her student loan, working fulltime… Fuck! This is stupid! What if I’m stupid now. Can I even remember how to do long division? I’m 33 and I don’t remember how to do long division?!

“Hmm.. so it’s looking like you’re locked out due to inactivity”

No shit Preppy Penelope. I’m not that useless!

“Oh, okay. Is there a process to have it unlocked or will I have to create a new one?”

Seems fitting. Story of my life - redundancy! When did disposability become the social norm? And not just appliances that falter a few weeks past their warranty expiration or $5 bottles of water instead of access to a tap (although, that’s fucking annoying too!). I mean integrity and loving something even more deeply as it ages with you - a silent respect and gratitude for its loyalty!

“No, no. We should be able to get this sorted for you! I mean, it’s still there after all this time - which is a miracle in its own right!”

Ha ha ha. You’re a right hoot Preppy! I remember what it was like to be positive and bright and no doubt fresh-faced and beautiful. But the world will whollop you too. Mark my words. You’re not immune, I promise! Pretty soon, you’ll have tiger tats on your lady lumps from creating a damn life inside yourself. Anyone would think that would at least equate to adoration and love this life time. Ha!

“This may be a silly question, so forgive me but it might be our best bet. Do you by chance remember your password?”

… fuck! Sure. I remember. Gosh, could this conversation possibly get any worse? I knew this would come back to bite me in the ass one day. Maybe, deep down. Perhaps I manifested this shit. It was after all a declaration to the universe that I knew what I wanted and I would have it! ‘Always and forever babe’ (in his dumb, lying voice). I think I might puke!

“Oop, are you there Cara? I think I might have lost you?”

I think you might be right Preppy. I am lost. What am I even doing? Seriously. Where’s the Pepto Bismol?!

“No, I’m here. Sorry, I was just thinking...”

Thinking about what the fuck I’m supposed to do with my life now. Now that I’m redundant. At 33. Gosh, how pathetic!

“Oh good, still got you. Well given that the secondary email is no longer valid and no mobile number is listed. Most likely didn’t have a mobile back then?! That’s okay, let’s start the process of a new account”

I’m not that old, you little shit! Gah!! A new student ID number, email... Hard pass. 3149743 - that me. Fine!

“You could try ‘I love Chad forever’. All lower case except the ‘C’ and the number 4 in 4ever. No spaces”

Vomit. Gosh, don’t cry! Preppy’s not trained to deal with that level of unhinged.

“Oh well that’s a bit cute! How is Chad these days?”

Dunno, you’d have to ask his childbride. Oh gosh, that’s low Cara. She’s not a child after all - technically you’re an adult at 23.

“He’s well..”

Fucking dick!

“Oh that’s wonderful to hear! So.. what would you like your new password to be? To reset your password you will need to include a capital, number and symbol to meet the security requirements”

Ha ha ha! What about… “I loath Chad 4ever”

“Cooper#1. Does that work?”

“Sure does! You’re all set! We did it!! Does this satisfy your enquiry today?”

“Yes, thank you Penelope - you’ve been most helpful!”

“Oop, my name is Stacey - not to worry”

Shit!

Thank your for your call today Cara! If you’re happy to, please hold the line for a short survey about your experience. Wishing you all the best for your post graduate studies! Enjoy the rest of your day! Ta ta!”

Beep beep beep…

So no survey?