“Thank God”

“This is the 2nd time this month that CPS has shown up to my door, I know you’re telling them something, City!” I screamed at my sister through my half broken phone.

I hate yelling at her, I really do. We got along better as children, even as adolescents. Ever since I became pregnant we’ve been each other's worst enemies. Twenty two years spent every second clinging on to my twin. Felicity and Fable, inseparable, unstoppable, dynamic duo! Tuh, yeah right. I don’t know why I’m so surprised Felicity is trying to show me up again. She’s always been the more active, successful, beautiful, social butterfly. She lives up to her name that's for sure. She volunteers every weekend at the homeless shelter, she’s always complimenting strangers and offering to pay for family events. My sister embodies happiness; a graceful being of light my sister is. Felicity has been the same loving way ever since we were little. I gave her the nickname “City” because I always told her she gives so much love, enough that could touch a whole city! I am the exact opposite of my sister. I am the family's black sheep, everyone’s grey cloud. I live up to my name too, a fib, a tale, a story of lies, far from the truth. I never cared to live in my sister's shadow. I actually enjoyed being the exact opposite of everything she is. I loved hearing people say “You and your sister are nothing alike” , although I must admit it’s kind of a facade. I enjoy the activities my sister participates in. I like volunteering, gardening, and dancing! I just didn’t want to be her shadow, so I always played it off like I was too cool.

“If you took care of Veracity you’d have nothing to worry about Fable! I love you but he needs a comfortable home and a steady routine. The last time I picked him up he was so filthy, I had to cut gum out of his hair. Gum Fable! He’s only 2!” Felicity calmly but sternly combated.

I named my son Veracity because I want him to be better than me, and better than his father who vanished after conceiving him. I want V to reflect truthfulness. I want him to radiate integrity and love. I want him to love so much that it could touch a whole city! My mom to this day is disgusted that I named my child Veracity. She says its trying too hard, it doesnt flow, and its just stupid. My sister thinks it's cute.

“Felicity was born 20 minutes before Fable, she came out with ease, damn near slipped right out of me, not an inch of pain. Now Fable! That little bitch put up a fight. I was afraid the doctors would have to cut her out of me. I hollered the entire 20 minutes. We thought maybe she wouldn’t make it out alive. Hahaha she tricked us, the little girl just wanted to avoid independence! Staying in mommas nest as long as she possibly could!” My mom repeats the exact same scripted story every year, every single Birthday we have, like we don't know it by heart already. Mom repeats herself a lot when she’s intoxicated. I hate that story, it always feels like a dig at me, especially since City went off to college right after graduating highschool and I stayed home and got pregnant. I stopped caring what Lauren thinks long ago. I feel proud to be a mother. Something I’m first at. Nothing can take that or him away from me.

“Yeah well mind your own damn business, City! I’m his mother; not you, or CPS or any stranger they would try to place him with! You’re so dramatic! Getting the Feds involved! I know you’re telling them something. If you want to help him then bring us money, not problems!” I scream again, hoping she obeys.

Our Birthday is tomorrow, June 7th. We are Geminis, people say that means we have 4 faces, I guess that's why it's always felt like more than just 3 of us filled our childhood home. That and Moms back and forth boyfriends. We never met our biological father; only random, slimy men. I remember the 5th man the most, we called him Ocean because he smiled his hardest when anyone complimented his wavy hair. He still comes around every once and a while. Growing up he used to take us places and give us a lot of money for our birthday; hundreds of dollars for ten years straight. Ocean was the closest we felt like we had to a dad back then. Now that we’re adults he gives us creepy stares and makes subliminal sex jokes. He hasn't given us money in 6 years but hes came to 3 birthday parties since. I kinda hope he’ll come to this one. One thing Lauren is good at is throwing banging parties! Every single year, every single holiday, all of our lives, she puts together a big celebration. There will be lots of food, and a whole lot of booze! Even Veracity’s baby shower had Mad Dog 20/20.

“Are you coming to the party this Year? You didn't come last year and I understand but can you please? I miss you, Fable and I miss my nephew. I’ll see what I can do for funds. Please.”

I threw my phone this morning being pissed off that Felicity snitched on me to the Child Protective Services. I threw it just hard enough to get some anger out but soft enough to not completely destroy the phone. After City’s pleading, my phone hung itself up and started lagging so I couldn't call her back right away. I was still heated even though she was speaking so gently. I’m glad the phone hung up because I hate yelling at her, I really do. I turn around from the front door and begin walking to the kitchen, my body naturally leads me here when I get upset. This is where my comfort meditates in a bottle. Mom says Whiskey was used as a medicine way back in the day. I take 2 shots. Mindfully swallow, feel the warmth move from my tongue to my chest. My moment of comfort ends when I hear Veracity crying. I panic.

“V! V!” As I run straight out of the kitchen back into the living room. My blurry eyes scan the room, left and right, left and right. He rings a high pitch scream from some other side of the apartment. “V! V!” I Yell as I sprint right out of the living room into our shared bedroom. My head bobbles around the room, left and right, left and right. No sound of him. “Veracity! Veracity!” I stumble left of the apartment out of the bedroom and down the hall to the bathroom. I don't see him! Why don't I see him in this tiny bathroom? Why don’t I see him anywhere in this tiny apartment? I am about to vomit. “V! Baby answer me!”

I hear him cry again. He is behind the shower curtain, with a wad of shampoo all in his eyes. I am relieved. I laugh a bit with watery eyes. I hug my son and then bath his whole body in shampoo as I rinse his eyes. It takes an hour to clean the little boy up and by 11pm I am annoyed he isn't asleep by now. I gave him the very last child melatonin gummy I was saving for a rainy day. He fell asleep in less than 15 minutes. I creep to the kitchen to take 4 more shots of whiskey while V is spread out on the living room futon. I'm saving our shared twin size bed tonight for me and Ocean. I know it isn't right, but he offered to pay the rent for us , and throw in a birthday bonus for me to party on my own. Moms can have fun. As long as my mother doesn't know. Ocean arrives an hour later. I stutter some bullshit to him at the door as he hands me a tall can of strawberry flavored Smirnoff. I sip and tip-toe to the bedroom.

12pm June 7th

I am dreaming of ants. I am at a picnic by the river, but on the grass, sharing a sandwich with a shadow. There are ants crawling into my drink and onto my body, biting my arms , neck and cheeks.

“FABLE! Wake up! I cannot believe this! You’ve done it this time!”

The voice fades in and out. Ants. Lots of Ants.

“Wake up! Helllooooo! Happy Birthday Sister? Did you forget you are a mother?”

In and out.

City’s voice even haunts my dreams. We used to sound alike until I started learning how to sing from Youtube. Once I learned pitch control I started purposely speaking in a lower tone than her, so much until it became second nature.

“FABLE! Why is he here?! Wake up! I know you hear me! FABLE!” City yells.

The ants start crawling on to my face, biting my nostrils shut and then my eyes pop open. Felicity is hovering over me with Veracity in her arms, his two tiny hands full of Pear slices. Fruit juice and drool dripping all over his shirt. He looks happy to see my sister. She looks sad at me. Ocean is still sleeping.

“Why the hell are you breaking into my home? Waking us up early this morning! Who let you in? You’re psycho!” I tell City.

Felicity bursts into tears, and the veins in her forehead are jumping.

“The door was wide open Fable! Veracity walked 3 blocks straight down this street. He stopped into a woman’s front yard to collect Pears that fell from her Pear Tree. Thank God traffic was slow. Thank God that woman was out gardening so she saw him right away. She didn't know who to call so she called the police. They want to speak to you. Thank God I happen to drive by and see him eating fruit on some random woman’s porch. Three blocks away from home.