Terms & Conditions for Being Human
A legally non-binding, entirely binding document governing your existence
Article I — Acceptance of Existence
By inhaling your first breath, you hereby agree to the Terms & Conditions of being human.
You had no opportunity to read or contest these terms prior to activation.
Your cry at birth constitutes informed consent.
No returns. No refunds. No substitutions.
Article II — Obligations of the User
You, the User, agree to:
- Age continuously and uncontrollably.
- Experience emotions you cannot fully name, explain, or regulate.
- Exist in a system where money, social status, and the shape of your nose affect your perceived worth.
You are required to:
- Smile when uncomfortable.
- Work to afford time off.
- Die eventually.
Failure to comply may result in existential dread, spiritual bankruptcy, or mild insomnia.
Article III — The Illusion of Free Will
You are permitted to make choices, provided they fall within a narrow band of culturally pre-approved options.
Examples include:
- Choosing between two political parties funded by the same corporations.
- Picking one of thirty identical brands of bottled water.
- Deciding what kind of career to sacrifice your identity to.
You are free to express yourself, so long as your expression doesn’t disrupt the algorithm.
Article IV — Mandatory Participation
All Users must:
- Participate in economies they did not design.
- Engage in social contracts they never signed.
- Maintain appearances of wellness regardless of internal collapse.
You are not permitted to opt out of these requirements. Attempts to do so will be interpreted as personal failure, mental illness, or rebellion. You may be prescribed mindfulness.
Article V — The Body
You have been issued one (1) body.
It will:
- Break down without notice.
- Experience shame, comparison, and betrayal.
- Require daily maintenance using products advertised to you through insecurity.
Alterations to your body are permitted but may void your societal warranty.
No body is ideal. All bodies are monetizable.
Article VI — Emotional Liabilities
You are solely responsible for the emotional impact of your existence on yourself and others.
This includes:
- Childhood experiences you didn’t control.
- Grief you are told to "process quickly."
- Generational trauma you must resolve singlehandedly.
Support is limited to emojis and vaguely worded motivational quotes.
Article VII — Surveillance & Data Collection
Your activities, preferences, and dreams will be monitored for optimization purposes.
This includes:
- The way your face looks when you pause between sentences.
- How quickly you respond to emails.
- What you click when you’re tired or sad.
All data will be used to sell you better versions of yourself.
Article VIII — Termination
This agreement may be terminated at death.
However, liability for unpaid debt, regret, and unspoken feelings may persist posthumously.
In the event of reincarnation, this contract shall auto-renew.
Article IX — Acknowledgement of Absurdity
By continuing to exist, you acknowledge:
- The rules are arbitrary.
- The goalposts shift constantly.
- No one is actually in charge.
Nevertheless, you must try your best, post regularly, and answer the question “How are you?” with something upbeat.
Welcome to being human. Please enjoy your stay.
Or don’t. Either way, the meter’s running.
Annex A — On Productivity
You are expected to be productive.
"Productivity" is defined as:
- Producing value for systems that do not value you.
- Monetizing your talents, hobbies, and rest.
- Performing well under stress, grief, illness, and chronic uncertainty.
Rest is permissible if:
- It improves future output.
- It is disguised as yoga.
- It is documented and shared for engagement.
Note: You may be asked to hustle in your sleep.
Side projects count as unpaid internships for your identity.
Clause 8C — Regarding Loneliness
You will experience loneliness even when surrounded by people.
You may form attachments to:
- Pets that will die before you.
- Strangers on the internet.
- Characters in streaming shows that end abruptly.
Attempts to address loneliness may include therapy, caffeine, or impulsive online shopping.
None are guaranteed effective.
Section 17C — Regarding Hope
Hope is not guaranteed. But it may be offered intermittently in the form of:
- A song at the right moment.
- A stranger’s kindness.
- A breath that feels easier than the last.
You are permitted to cling to hope. But it may expire, mutate, or mislead you.
Cynicism is not mandatory, but strongly incentivized.
Appendix I — Acceptable Forms of Discomfort
You may experience:
- Heartbreak
- Moral conflict
- Economic precarity
- Identity confusion
- Nostalgia for futures that never happened
These are normal. Please do not let them interfere with your obligations.
Emotional malfunctions must be reported silently or smiled through.
Final Notice — Denial of Appeal
There is no formal appeals process for Being Human.
Complaints will be redirected to:
- The Void
- Your Journal
- Customer Service (currently on hold)
Should you choose to continue, you do so with full awareness that none of this makes sense — and that you are not alone in pretending it does.
End of Addendum
Press Accept to Continue.
About the Creator
Alain SUPPINI
I’m Alain — a French critical care anesthesiologist who writes to keep memory alive. Between past and present, medicine and words, I search for what endures.
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Comments (6)
I wonder how many humans would choose to exist if they had to read this before starting their lives :) Great read!
Great work, thank you for sharing
I don’t even know how to explain how this made me feel. It’s hilarious how just existing ends up feeling like signing some unspoken contract—but beneath the humor, there are some incredibly deep and painfully real truths here. This piece is genuinely brilliant.
This is funny
i don’t know how to explain how this made me feel. its hilarious how just simply LIVING is pretty much an entire contract, but at the same time theres extremely deep and real points made in this. this is truly an amazing piece.
Hilarious and so many requirements to being human put in perspective. We don’t realize how complex the process is. This line gave me a laugh.-In the event of reincarnation, this contract shall auto-renew.- lol.