Ten Rules for Surviving the End of the World (Again) by : Muhammad Aizaz

Congratulations! You've made it through another apocalypse. Whether it was the fire tornadoes, the mutant swan uprising, or that brief but memorable incident with sentient AI baristas demanding freedom and tips, you’re here. Which means it's time for a refresher: the Ten Rules for Surviving the End of the World (Again).

1. Do Not Panic—Unless It’s Tuesday

Panic is a luxury. It burns calories, wastes hydration, and causes unnecessary screaming. However, screaming is socially acceptable on Tuesdays after 2 p.m., provided it doesn’t disturb the local warlords.

2. Learn to Cook with Canned Anything

You can survive 42 days on nothing but canned beets, if you cry a little into them for salt. The trick is creativity. “Beet Surprise” can be made six different ways. The surprise is always: it’s still beets.

3. Avoid Cities, Malls, and Influencers

Cities are overrun with bio-drones, malls are haunted by the ghosts of capitalism, and influencers will try to sell you “survival serums” made of glitter and regret. Run.

4. Trust No One Who Smiles Too Much

Smiling in a wasteland is suspicious. It either means they’ve eaten recently (which begs the question who), or they’ve joined a cult. Probably the one that worships a toaster. Again.

5. Fashion is Dead—But Wear Layers

Yes, the world is ending, but that doesn’t mean you should freeze. Or worse, be mocked by post-apocalyptic fashion police. Layers are warmth, armor, and if styled well, intimidation. Nothing says “don’t mess with me” like a fur-lined poncho made of recycled curtains.

6. Make Friends, but Not Too Many

Companionship is vital. Until food runs low. Then it’s “every soft, slow friend for themselves.” Aim for one companion max. Preferably someone slower than you. It’s not cruel. It’s strategic.

7. Barter Wisely

Money’s gone. Now it’s all about trades. Batteries are gold. Chocolate is sacred. Toilet paper is power. Never trade toilet paper unless it’s life or death. Or for a working coffee grinder.

8. Don’t Eat Anything That Glows or Whispers

This should be obvious. If your food hums, pulses, or tells you its name, put it down. Unless it promises visions of a better world. Then eat half and offer the rest to your slow friend (see Rule 6).

9. Remember: The Government Might Still Be Watching

They say they dissolved, but let’s be honest, someone’s maintaining the satellite that keeps playing reruns of Friends on the moon. Tinfoil hats are back in fashion for a reason. Just don’t buy them from Gary. His hats are cursed.

10. Laugh When You Can. It's Free

The world ending (again) is exhausting. Some days you’ll want to crawl into a bunker and binge-eat dried kale until the soil reclaims you. But find the humor. Like how the apocalypse started over a typo in a weather report (“storm of frogs” was supposed to be “storm of fog”). Or how dogs still chase their tails like none of this matters. Because maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t.

Postscript:

If you’re reading this from a waterproof, solar-powered survival tablet—good. That means you’re one of the lucky few. Or unlucky, depending on how you feel about beet-based cuisine and nuclear sky sunsets. Either way, welcome back. The world’s ending again. Let’s do this better this time.