Temporal Realtor

“Hello! Mr. and Mrs. Plutus” said Mr. Nova, smiling widely while his lips nervously quivered.

“Hello Mr. Nova,” said Mr. and Mrs. Plutus a conjoined ball of 5th Dimensional beings.

“Do you call them Mr. and Mrs. Plutus? Do they have gender?” thought Nova to himself. “Damn it! I should have searched this before coming to the meeting.”

He shook his head to remind himself to focus on closing this sale, “We have talked a few times about what you’re looking for something not too big, and not too expensive right? And you prefer closer to the end rather than the beginning, correct?” He restlessly said, shifting his weight from one foot to another.

“Yes, you are correct Mr. Nova,” the Plutus said in unison.

“Great! Excellent! But hey I wanted to just pass a couple of options your way. You know you never know what you want until you see it and experience it! Alright?!” Nova excitedly said.

“I guess we can do that Mr. Nova,” the 5th-dimensional beings said in unison, again.

“Okay let’s go!” Nova passionately said. “To start, we can head closer to the big bang, but I have to be honest here, the closer we get to the big bang the more expensive it gets.”

“Why is that Mr. Nova,” the Plutus said in unison, again.

“Well, there is just less…uh…space during the earlier parts of the universe. Everything is so condensed, it raises the price of the estate. Not to mention, you get to see how space starts to expand into the vast nothingness in waves! Look at that sight, space rolling forward at the speed of light! Feel that heat, woo! What a great retirement home, don’t you think?” Nova eagerly said.

“We find it to be…filled with too much movement Mr. Nova,” the 5th-dimensional being(s) said in unison, again.

“Okay, a little underwhelming, most beings love this time” Nova said while nervously chuckling. “But no matter,” he said while putting his hands on his hips. “Let’s move along to another spacetime.”

“Yes, let’s Mr. Nova,” the Plutus said in unison, again.

“Here we are a few billion light-years ahead, as you can tell there is more space, which means it is a little cheaper, that’s good huh? A little cheaper, things aren’t quite as hot. We are still moving and expanding endlessly into space but at a slower rate and you have so much mass everywhere spread out. Also, consider, there are a lot more things to see and do during this point as entropy has been increasing, things are constantly changing. Not to mention there are billions of non-5th-dimensional civilizations to visit. That’s exciting right?!” Nova said while swaying his arms side to side to demonstrate the non-5th-dimensional civilizations.

“We find it to be…adequate, Mr. Nova, but these beings, they make so much noise,” the 5th-dimensional beings said in unison, again.

“Excellent! But hold on, there is another property I could show you! One closer to the end, shall we go?!” Nova said, waving his persistently underwhelmed clients along.

“We agree to go. This was…again…quite adequate, Mr. Nova” the Plutus said in unison, again.

“Okay! Here we are! Closer to the end as you can tell, it is very cheap the fact that you are close to the end of the universe contributes to that but as you know this is quite a popular destination for those who like darkness, coldness, and the slight smell of Hawking radiation. Most people that live here tend to like a calm environment with a lot fewer of those noisy, pesky non-5th-dimensional civilizations to visit. Everything here is very zen, very chill, super chill if you know what I mean” Nova laughed at his joke then said, “this is totally your style amirite?!” Nova said nervously, his brow, and armpits noticeably beginning to gather sweat.

“Hm, Mr. Nova” the Plutus pensively said.

“Is that a good hm? A bad hm? An I just got a call hm?” Nova inquired speculatively.

“It is a…good hm, Mr. Nova! We are very pleased with this location; we are a quiet people” the Plutus agreeably said as they began to glow with the vibration of their atoms.

“You don’t say” Nova sarcastically thought to himself, “That’s excellent news!” He quickly blurted out.

“Now Mr. Nova, we must address the question of cost, how much will it be?” The Plutus inquired.

“You get the excellent, excellent, deal of having this property for 1 million highly vibrating consciousnesses,” Nova said with great elation.

“That is an exceedingly low price, Mr. Nova. Please elaborate on how this is possible, Mr. Nova.” The Plutus said.

“Well… you see… there is a major lighting problem here, due to the darkness, that many find displeasing and has driven up the price,” Nova hesitantly responded.

“That is absurd, we do not need light, Mr. Nova,” The Plutus quickly responded.

Nova quickly chuckled “I’m well aware, but it is one of these fads started on 5diminstagram, you know how these things affect pricing, tastes, etc, blah blah,” he said rolling his eyes and waving his hand in circles.

“Yes, we are aware of this trend, but we refuse to accept it, Mr. Nova. What about privacy, Mr. Nova? What if our enemies past/present/future, find us, Mr. Nova?” The Plutus asked.

Nova looked around with a confused look “Who are these things?” he asked himself. He rubbed his head looking for an answer, “Well we are pretty close to the end so I don’t know if you could even have future enemies to be honest” Nova responded.

“They could be from the future, move to the past, and find us through the past,” the Plutus said.

“uh…” Nova said, “I guess that’s possible but we don’t really deal with security….” Nova said hesitantly. “Goddamn it 5th-dimensional beings are so fucking complicated,” he thought to himself.

“Hm…” the Plutus said.

“…. So what about that deal huh? Should we close on it or what?” Nova said trying to fill the emptiness of the awkward silence.

“I believe we will, Mr. Nova” the Plutus dullness stated.

“YES!” Nova excitedly said while jumping up and down “I can send my daughter to Earth camp for her celestial anniversary!” Nova thought to himself.