Tears/Worried

Tears…

I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t. It’s too hard, and it hurts so much.

I listen to what people say all the time, and it just eats me up. When I listen to what they say, all I want to do is cry, but I can’t.

I can’t cry salty tears, nor red tears. I can’t let them see. They’d lock me up, drug me and treat me as if I was mad. Not that I can cry salty tears anyway.

“I can remember the very first time I cried, how I wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside”. That song. It’s me…

There’s no other way.

They saw to that.

If I hadn’t hid my pain, they would have torn me to shreds with their cruel words.

Mind you, I ‘spose you could say they do that anyway, just indirectly. I just..

I want to let go of it all.

I want to cry red.

I remember the first time I reached for my shiny friend. It was so cold, against my heat. It felt like frostbite, as the hot tears scalded my cheeks. They don’t come anymore. Anyway, I rested it against my arm. I didn’t really know what I was doing.

All I knew was that it suddenly felt right.

I suddenly felt right.

Nothing else matters.

There was no one else in the world at that moment. Just me, and the thing that could take all the pain away with one swipe.

That’s all it took.

I remember, holding my cold, sharp, silver, shiny friend above my arm. I don’t know how long it was suspended there.

Always feels like forever.

A moment lost in time.

The silvery glint shone and sparkled in my blurry eyes. Then suddenly, as I brought it down, and scratched my skin, a flash of red. I saw the beads pop up.

Pretty red beads, on a pretty red chain.

I want them again, more and more.

Then they got bigger, and bigger, like a balloon inflating. Only it didn’t stop. The beads got bigger and bigger, until they burst and flowed down my arm.

Red tears. Like a waterfall.

I did it again, and again, until I had about ten.

It felt so good.

I want that now.

The relief.

The release.

Real again.

My pain mattered.

Why can’t it matter now?

I didn’t show anyone, it’s my secret.

It still is.

Even now.

When the tears dried up, the pain came back, but for a while it stayed away.

It’s strange. When I first did it, I had no idea that something like that could make me feel better, and so much better, but it did.

Why can’t I have that now?

When the bleeding slowed, I put a bandage round the cuts, and put on a long sleeved sweater.

The one I’m wearing now.

I hate summer. The hot weather. Shorts and T shirts. It’s my worst nightmare.

When am I ever going to have arms clear enough to wear short sleeves?

The lines stay there.

They’ll never go.

Fade maybe, but they’ll always be there.

It’s up to me not to let them show.

Not now. Not ever.

My lines of pain. Symbols of my battle. I can’t let anyone into my hell. They couldn’t deal. I can’t deal with it.

As time goes on, my cuts get deeper. My shiny friend knows just how far he can slash before it’s too much. He’s my only friend. The only one I can trust. I can’t hurt him can I?

Only people get hurt.

But him.. he doesn’t want me to be anything other than what I am. He knows how bad I’m feeling, and knows how to take the pain away. Question is whether I can let him.

The tears I’m crying now are more than before.

When I cry, I watch the life flow out of me, and it’s scary.

I need more and more.

Last few times, a few have needed stitches. Can’t do anything about it though. Can’t let anyone see. It would hurt them too much. I don’t deserve any help besides. I don’t deserve anything.

I know that now.

I think about it a lot. Especially at the moment.

It’s important.

It’s the first time I found some way out. How could I forget that?

It’s important.

I’m not sick. It’s just my way.

No one can understand that though.

The urge to cry red is getting bigger now. I don’t know how much longer I can hold off. I’ve been fighting so long. I’ve got my shiny friend here. He knows what I need. Probably better than me.

It’s the right thing to do, I know it.

I don’t want to fight.

I’ve had enough.

My shiny friend’s in my hand now.

I’m shaking.

Quivering with anticipation.

I want it so much.

I’ve not got long. She’ll be back soon. She doesn’t like me locking the bathroom door. She thinks I’m not trustworthy.

I remember..

I remember the looks on their faces. When they saw my patchwork carvings.

Interfering people, couldn’t leave me be…

‘Where did you get them?’

‘Who did this to you?’

Just had to tell her didn’t they..

Only she couldn’t see that that was irrelevant.

Why couldn’t she see?

How could I tell anyone the truth then? That it was me. They never understood. I needed them, but they couldn’t see past the etchings.

They think I’ve stopped…

She thinks it too..

No-one knows about my secret now…

My red tears.

Oh what I wouldn’t give for one cut. Just one cut. Just enough to feel the pain, and see the blood. It’s not much to want. I’m not hurting anyone else. It won’t be enough when it’s done though. So unfair.

It’s never enough.

Bruised myself the other day, it’s still there now, but it didn’t work.

It’s not enough.

Not like when I cry red. Red tears are just more important.

I wish they’d get out of my head.

Leave.

Stay in the past, where they belong.

“Go away!”

“No!”

I can’t breathe, it hurts so much.

I hate myself enough for everyone.

Why do they have to add to it?

My head is screaming.

Feels like it’s being torn apart.

They laugh and jeer.

I wish they’d leave me alone.

“Please go away…”

Just one cut..

(Then they’d go away)

I do them criss crossed so that they stay in one patch.

There.

The beads are coming up again. My pretty, pretty red beads. I’ve missed you. Course, now that I’ve started, I can’t stop at just one.

Go on, shiny friend. Do your worst….

There.. that’s better. I’ll let the waterfall rush for a while. It doesn’t hurt at all. It’s like there’s nothing there.. Only I know there is.

She’s back.. I can hear her coming inside. She’s coming upstairs. It’s the same routine. I’m not stupid.. I know what she’s doing.

Here we go. “Yeah”

“What are you doing?” she shouts.

“I’m on the bloody loo what do you think I’m doing?! Can’t I get any privacy in this house?!”

I can’t get any privacy.

They don’t want to know about my precious red tears, but they don’t want me to have any secrets either. What am I supposed to do?

There.. I can hear her footsteps fading. Alone again.

* * *

Worried

She’s upstairs again..

alone…

I hate it when she’s up there.

She could be doing anything.

I want to go and check on her….

Why won’t she talk to me?

I know I can’t watch her every move, but I just want to make sure she’s not…

not doing..

that.

Not….

* * *

Tears

I feel a bit dizzy.

Shiny friend, have you gone too far?

How did it get to this? Crying red to feel slightly better.

I don’t know really.. All I know is that now, the red helps.

Only..

I just feel so dizzy..

I think I’ve gone too far..

everything’s swirling..

So dizzy..

I don’t know how to come back from this..

Worried

She tells me she’s stopped.

I don’t know whether to believe her though.

She’s kept it from me before.

Why does she keep it from me?

Why won’t she tell me?

Only reason I found out last time was that her teachers told me they’d noticed marks on her and thought she might have been beaten up.

They noticed..

How did I not?

How could I have missed that?

She gets so angry when I ask her how she is..

I just want to help her..

If only she’d let me know what she’s going through..

I wish she’d talk to me..

I could help her through it..

Help her..

Stop her doing…

Using that… that… THING!

Maybe I could go up…

What if she needs me?

No.. I have to give her her privacy. I have to let her come to me…

I took her to the doctor when I found out, she didn’t say anything though.. Just sat there...

What’s she doing up there?

Is she doing…

I took everything like THAT out of the house…

I just want her to be safe..

If only she talked to me..

I could help her. I know I could!

Why won’t she talk to me?

I know I can’t force her..

I just wish she’d let me in..

But..

It’s up to her, and she won’t to talk to me..

I don’t want to push her away..

She keeps on pushing me away..

I hardly know her anymore..

Is it something I’ve done?

Does she hate me?

Does she blame me?

Maybe…

She could be doing it now..

Doing THAT…

Heaven knows what state her poor…

I never see it.

She won’t let me..

All I see is what I imagine..

I see all the people her age wandering round with no cares in the world..

Why can’t she be like that?

What’s that bad?

What’s shattered her dreams?

I want to hold her,

Wrap my arms round her,

And tell her everything’s going to be alright.

I don’t know that though.

It’s been a long time since I knew that.

If only she’d talk to me..

I used to hear her crying at night..

She cried a lot..

Not anymore..

She never cries anymore..

Sometimes she’ll smile at me,

But I rarely see her.

She’s always in her room,

Or locked in the bathroom.

Jake doesn’t know anything..

How could I tell him?

I can’t get my own head round it..

How could I put that on him?

He wouldn’t understand..

I asked him to take the lock off the bathroom door.

He just thinks I’m neurotic.

That I don’t want her to have any privacy.

It’s not that..

It’s not!

I wish she’d talk to me..

I want her to let me in..

I don’t mind if she has privacy..

I just want her to let me in.

I don’t want her turning to…

I’m always here..

I told her that..

She never comes..

Never comes and sits beside me..

Why won’t she come?

I long for her to come and talk to me..

I’m always here for her..

It doesn’t matter what it is.. I’ll look after her..

We could get through it together…

If only she’d tell me…

Tears

Ah..

It’s stopped. Must have passed out for a while. These are really deep. Need stitches. Lots of ‘em. They won’t get them though. I’ll have to patch ‘em up as best I can.

It’s all I can do.

They can’t know. It’s my secret. It has to stay that way.

Now where can I put you shiny friend?

Somewhere where she won’t find you again.

Into my pocket,

Quick.

I’ll have to think of somewhere…

A look in the mirror.

Wipe my face.

Happy mask on?

Yes.

Let’s go.

Have to face them again, make like nothing’s wrong….

My shiny friend can help me with that.