Tales from the Tricked

Tales from the Tricked - Episode One

Characters:

Enrique- A Taino Native man, orphaned by Columbus’ men as a child and raised in a Catholic monastery in Santa Maria.

Bartolome De Las Casas- A Spanish man that came to colonize the new world on Columbus’ second voyage. He has a change of heart once he meets the Natives.

Ramon Pane- A Spanish priest that came on a mission to the new world to save the Natives. He was used by Columbus to spy on them. Historically, and with love, he provides a lot of information about how they lived.

Christopher Columbus- You know him, you hate him, the O.G. Colonizer. Italian-Isabellian-American explorer who brought you alien stories and Chlamydia, here to amend his title of largest shitbag in any realm.

Enrique:

You wanna hear a quick story ‘bout how we got fooled?

How our tales got usurped and changed and overruled?

I accidentally lied it won’t be quick for me to unschool

the cesspool and ridicule in this forgotten gag-rule.

There are so many things that you need to know.

I hope you’re not the type that needs to learn real slow.

Y'all spent some centuries going with the flow.

Now spend some minutes please getting in the know.

Enrique:

So everybody knows about the guy beside me,

smooth talking guy from the books they wrote to bind me.

Me AND my people and till now those words defined me....

Columbus:

Yeah, EVERYBODY knows.... So why remind me?

Enrique:

Him....Him... He's the only one in any room.

So self consumed it could just make you fume.

Devouring what he wants from the womb to the tomb.

Columbus:

Nahhhh...

Enrique:

Then why are we here, Chrissy? What do YOU think this is?

Columbus:

(dismissive)

Looks like four dead guys... one that was really famous.

Enrique:

Okay, pretend you don’t want the record straight too.

Like you didn’t show up to defend how much you knew?

See, you think the world thought so much about you?

I could go get lost and capture me some slaves too.

But I didn’t did I? I thought the whole thing through.

Every time you and I met I killed your whole damn crew.

Yeahhh I got a story for y'all featuring the rudest one among us,

I'm gonna introduce you to the man that brung us,

past the point of no return and bound and flung us,

into a wall of death, and famine, and fungus,

that grew just like his name did... This is Columbus.

Columbus:

(starts to speak)

Enrique:

It’s not your turn yet -that was an introduction.

Still got these two and me, you're so used to abduction.

But if you're done being the one to cause an obstruction,

we could try not to argue and talk about this production.

Two priests, one to my left and one to my right.

One told his lies- and the other told our plight.

We ALL think that's why it's hard for the audience to get it right.

So we pierced through the veil to reach you here tonight.

Bart:

Listen my brother, gather your thoughts and tell them your name last,

it's gonna be your story that'll redeem the past.

You say things don’t change I'll show you how fast,

Yo, C... what was that one ship's name? The one with the big mast?

Columbus:

Here we go.

Bart:

Was it the Nina?

Enrique & Ramon:

No!

Bart:

The Pinta?

Enrique & Ramon:

No!

Bart:

De Santa Maria?

Enrique & Ramon:

Ding Ding Ding!

Bart:

Hit some reefs beneath the coast on the shores of "India"

(Enrique & Ramon laugh)

You sank your ship as soon as you got there and had no idea,

if they would be mean or like you, importing malaria.

But they were amazing... They helped us out of the water.

There were millions of them, your hot water could've gotten hotter.

They CHOSE to be sweet- then you were like "is that your daughter?"

But everyone knows that part, I'm all up in here acting emotional.

I have a job to do, I need an intro- not a commotional.

See, I play a key role in this ancient American devotional.

But I'll be honest, I tend to be really promotional.

Because all I really want to do is tell you about him.

(points at Enrique)

But I did help to raise him- so I guess that's how we should begin.

I'm Bart De Las Casas, history’s "protector of the Indian."

That wasn't always my title, but that story's more grim.

But we'll get to that one another time, right now there's a mission.

Myself and the other priest here? We're not in competition.

We weren't then. We aren't now. We're here to remove ammunition.

Friar Ramon Pane and I have deserved our attrition.

We can both say that we made mistakes that came to our graves.

But neither of us would treat any of God’s children like they were knaves.

Those cowards built a fort from that sunken ship using Native slaves.

Then those who were bonded rebelled and burned down those enclaves?

When Big C came back from his voyage he just moved right down the river.

Built a bigger, better fort... sat there, pretended not to shiver.

No funeral for the 39 men killed, his lip didn't quiver.

See, that's how you act while you plot the evil you're gonna deliver.

Ramon:

I saw what he was doing, we stayed at odds the whole time.

But he BROUGHT me on that voyage, the situation wasn't prime.

I HAD to support him to survive, it was a tower I had to climb.

But I made it out alive and testified against him for his crime.

I had a mission too! To lead people to the glory of God.

I came there to work. He turned me into a fraud.

When I heard those people didn't know Him, I knew they'd be AWED,

just like I was when I heard. But it was all a façade.

Because with our mission intact he couldn't do what he wanted.

(gesturing to Columbus)

What he wanted to do was make the new world haunted.

Europeans everywhere, this was an idea that he flaunted.

Converting the Natives was difficult- like running the gauntlet.

They wanted to come to God, but Columbus didn’t want it.

(says this like a secret to the audience)

You can’t enslave a Catholic, so how would he father slavery on this continent?

Guess how the Taino settled disputes before he came and they got caught in it?

Their art was the loot and SPORTS would prove who was more dominant.

They didn’t have courts in this “new world” made of obstinance.

We have a story to tell and we know it's a big one.

Even the bad guy showed up with his own depiction.

You know enough by now to know that this one's non-fiction.

But there's so much left out you could never make a prediction.

Enrique's name and legacy was buried like all treasures are.

Superheroes are real, they form in chaos- just like any star.

Just because it's true doesn't make it any less bizarre.

There are parts of this story that are hard to beat- by far.

The man you see here looks like any other bag of bones.

But they beat him and they stoned him and told him he was owned.

It wasn't long before they noticed he wasn't another clone.

Before they knew it- it didn't matter what they condoned.

Enrique:

My name is Enrique... But that's not my name.

Euro-trash killed my parents and I’ve never been the same.

But Bart made me a man and aimed me at the fame.

That wasn't what I wanted- I was just there for the claim...

to the land of my father, to play a fair game.

Just to lead my people- then Valenzuela came.

That man undid Bart's work, made me ashamed.

Then he did something that made it -more inflamed.

It was at that time I decided to take my aim.

I don't mean to claim I'm not proud of my name- but it's a frame.

A frame I adore, yes but nobody looks at the border.

You think we're here to bury C? Dude was just a Native hoarder.

Sure, he broke a lot of things on his way to disrupt natural order.

But you guys are modernized- hoarding’s a mental disorder.

Columbus:

Good God, you guys.

Enrique:

I suppose he wants some props for being such a good sport.

I'm glad he showed up but if I laughed I'd probably snort.

Like, Thanks for being here but this is kinda your shit to sort!

Alright big man, your favorite part. Your turn to retort.

Columbus:

So, first of all, fuck you guys I thought we were cool.

We’ve been off earth for 500 years! What is this school?

Yes, I made some mistakes- back when I was writing THE RULES.

But ruling is hard, I had a bosslady, and rulers are cruel.

We didn't speak the same language bro, cut me some slack!

I was alone, I had to grow kids before someone had my back.

I thought leading was about ladies and sippin on cognac.

I was just a sailor, man- you don’t give a crown to a quarterback.

You may not realize it but finding you threw me way way off-track.

Maybe it sounds like a promotion, but really it was a set-back.

Enrique:

Oh now you're a victim?

Columbus:

No- this is my story, it's short, not too sweet.

(refers to Enrique)

This man here's an athlete, I could never compete.

He'd beat the seat out of my fleet every time our eyes meet it was like trying to complete a track meet on repeat,

against an army of runners each with three extra feet!

They were elite and also HIDDEN so we couldn't retreat!

Bart:

That’s better, I thought you forgot about Enrique bringing the heat.

Columbus:

You thought I was so bad wait till they talk about the others.

(head nods in agreement all around)

When the cultures clashed these guys ... they lost their buffers.

I don't know what you think I could have done to stop my “brothers.”

For the gold they thought you had, they would have sold their mothers.

But since I'm the only one here that's thinking logically.

The only one with his mind where it oughtta be.

Has everybody here lost track of the most important thing?

(refers to audience)

None of us would have each other if it hadn't been for me!

(scoffs all around)

Everyone overlapping:

Man. Come on. Be serious.

Columbus:

What? You think I got shipped here via mysterious brown paper box?

Thank the Ice Age for the ten thousand years of roadblocks.

Till me, we were SEPARATE but EQUAL types of tinderbox.

Die mad at me but others were coming, ain't that a paradox?

Bart:

Oh I see how it is, discover new brothers, drop off some small-pox?

Enrique:

No, I see what he means, it's ugly, it's dark, but it's still true.

He means that you three were coming but none of us had a clue.

(this line said to Bart)

And if not you three, then someone, but I'm glad it was you.

(this line said to Columbus)

But not YOU- but how? I could never have you without you.

So you can see how this story might get a bit tricky.

The ”Once Upon a first treaty signed here” story won't be a quickie.

SO pull up your bootstraps, you’re gonna get mad, this tale is prickly.

Hear the tales you don’t know from these ghosts in this taboo committee.

Like how you have the wrong idea of him, the world’s most famous rookie.

We want the big picture to show you just how this world got so cliquey.

This is the story of Enrique the Wise- and how the past can be sneaky.