Strangers

Hope.

Courtney stared deeply at a painting of a barn owl that was so perfectly placed on a glass shelf in the counselor's office. Courtney's eyes fixated on the painting as she tried so desperately to remember where she had seen a similar image. The buzzing of the counselors voice distracted Courtney in placing it. "Courtney? do you understand what I am saying"? Darlene the counselor asked knowing fully well Courtney was distracted. "Yeah, yeah. Wait, sorry can you repeat what you had said to me" answered Courtney as she turned her eyes and attention away from the painting. Courtney made eye contact with Darlene. Darlene was a tiny lady with long silky smooth white hair, big piercing blue eyes and she gave off this aura of genuine calmness. "I had said that the two of you may not be right for each other now, not in this point in your life but that does not mean that in the future your lives will not reconnect" Darlene explained. Courtney held on to every word of that statement and I am certain she has it locked away in her subconscious.

Loss.

Andrew stepped out of the hospital room telling Courtney he would go get her a cold drink but he really left the room to keep Courtney from seeing how heartbroken he was. The contractions were extremely close together and the midwife said any minute the baby would be arriving. "I can't do this Irene, this hurts way too much" Courtney cried. The midwife Irene rubbed Courtney's leg and reassured her "This will all be over shortly dear, the baby is coming now". Before Courtney could catch her breath she pushed one last time. Without a word Irene cut the umbilical cord, wrapped the baby in a hospital blanket and then laid the baby on Courtney's chest. "I called the hospital priest to come and say a prayer for your child" the midwife Irene said softly. Courtney looked over her precious angel from head to toe, examining the little fingers with blue fingernails, the tiny little feet and the face of innocence that will be in an eternal peaceful sleep. The Priest came into the hospital room, stood next to Courtney, grabbed her hand and they began to pray. The midwife then tucked the baby inside of the blanket, put him in the basin on her cart and then proceeded to leave the hospital room. As Irene opened the door pushing her cart to leave, Andrew opened the door to enter and check on Courtney. In passing the midwife Irene said "Andrew the baby was born, I am sorry for your loss, but the baby was a boy".

Silence.

Courtney had not felt the baby kick in quite sometime and it started to concern her more and more as the day went on. "Hi Irene, I am calling to see if I can come in to the clinic right away and you can check on the baby? There hasn't really been any movement today and I'm kind of freaking out" Courtney eagerly told the midwife. "Hi Courtney, definitely come in right away and we can can check on the baby". As the Midwife placed the cold jelly on Courtney's visibly pregnant stomach Andrew reached out his hand for support. Courtney clutched Andrews hand which was warm and clammy. Andrew was trying to be chatty with the midwife but you could tell in his voice he was nervous and concerned. The Doppler machine circled round and round on Courtney's belly with the swooshing sounds of radio static. "I am going to have to schedule you in for an ultrasound, I cannot find the babies heart beat. Please do not be alarmed this does not mean anything has happened. There are times when the baby is positioned so far back or at an awkward angle". explained the midwife confidently. Andrew walked Courtney to the car as they headed to the ultrasound clinic, he opened the door for Courtney and said "I am sure everything is going to be alright, don't worry hun".

A brief moment.

Courtney lay on the bed in the ultrasound technicians room while Andrew stood at the end of the bed facing the ultrasound screen. "Please keep an eye on the screen Andrew, I can't see it from here. See if the baby is moving okay"? Courtney quickly asked before the technician made her way into the room. The technician sat down at the computer, placed cold jelly on Courtney's belly then grabbed the wand and began checking on the baby. The entire time the technician was working, Courtney was fixated on the technician. She was looking at her facial expressions with expectations that maybe there will be some flicker of hope that her child was okay and that she was overreacting to the entire situation. Then, only for a brief moment, the technician dropped her head with absolute disappointment. "Please NO! please tell me the baby is okay" Courtney screamed. The technician wiped the jelly off of Courtney's belly even while she was in hysterics and calmly said "we are all done, your midwife will be in touch with you shortly".

Devastation.

Courtney and Andrew drove back to their apartment after leaving the ultrasound clinic. The pair were waiting to hear back from the midwife Irene. Andrew was doing everything in his power to try and convince Courtney that the technician did not let on that something was wrong during the ultrasound. "I am sure, I didn't see her make any kind of faces Court, honestly Irene is going to call and say the baby is fine and it is going to be okay". Andrew wasn't very convincing and all Courtney could do is anxiously wait by the phone. "ring, ring". Courtney picked up the phone. "Hello Courtney, It's me Irene. Is Andrew home with you right now"? she asked. Shakily Courtney responded with "Yes he is here right beside me". "I have the results from your ultrasound and I am so sorry to tell you this but there was no fetal heartbeat detected and".... Courtney slowly dropped the phone from her left hand as if everything were moving in slow motion. She dropped to her knees and let out the loudest heart wrenching scream of complete devastation. Andrew quickly grabbed the phone to hear what Irene had to say and began to sob. Courtney screamed and cried uncontrollably while clutching her baby bump. The devastation could be heard and felt deeply in Courtney's cries.

Unexpected Surprise.

The hustle and bustle of attending college and working kept Courtney busy with what felt like no spare time to wind down. Andrew was working full-time and there were days the couples only interactions were climbing in to bed at night or having a quick kiss goodbye in the morning. With life zooming by Courtney had not realized she had missed multiple menstrual cycles. "Honestly Court this is the second time I've come to your apartment and you don't have any tampons left" said Jessica. Jessica is Courtney's older but much shorter sister. "Have you not bought any in a super long time or whats going on"? she asked. "Come to think of it, your right. I haven't bought any in months and haven't needed to" answered Courtney. The light seemed to have come on inside Courtney's head as to what "missing your period" truly means because her eyes became huge and this look of utter shock swept over her face. "WE NEED TO GO GET A TEST RIGHT NOW" Jessica yelled with excitement. Jessica and Courtney sat in the living room sipping warm chamomile tea while the white pregnancy test teetered on the sink in the bathroom. "How much longer do we need to wait before we can check the results? Are you worried? Are you nervous? How do you feel right now"? Jessica asked. "I honestly feel like I'm going to barf" Courtney replied. The two walked to the bathroom together like school age children heading to the principles office. Courtney reached out for the pregnancy test while Jessica hugged around Courtney's arm. "Oh my God, there are two lines, I am pregnant"!! Courtney said.

Disappointment.

There was no situation more terrifying then having to tell Andrew's parents that the couple were now expecting a child. Courtney was attending College, working in a boutique and Andrew was working full-time in a maintenance job that had mediocre pay. Andrew seemed to be excited when Courtney told him the news. "I guess sooner then later you will have a little golfing buddy" Courtney said while holding up the positive pregnancy test for Andrew to see. "Really??? no way?? are you kidding me"!! Andrew said then wrapped his arms around Courtney. Andrew pulled in to his parents driveway and Courtney could barely breath. The anxiety of what may or may not happen was unbearable. "We will just let them know our plan Court. You will graduate and the baby is due around that time, I will apply for a better paying job, we will make it all work" Andrew confidently said. The couple went in to Andrews parents home, sat down at the dinner table which was set for the dinner Jacky had just prepared. Jacky is Andrew's mom, Andrew is an only child and his mother was very protective, blunt and at times overbearing. "Well come on, grab the chicken and bring it to the table, your father is starving" Jacky demanded. Andrew grabbed the dish of warm baked chicken thighs and placed them on the table beside his dad. "Soooooo. There is something I need to tell the both of you and I rather just come outright and say it. Courtney and I are having a baby"Andrew said all while looking directly at his mom. Jacky dropped her arms to her sides, her face went from a pleasant family dinner smile to a scowl of pure disappointment. "You two have to be joking. Do you have ANY idea how expensive having a baby is?? Andrew you don't even have a good job. You dropped out of College. Courtney is in school and she doesn't even have a good paying job either, other then that part-time boutique job. Why did you do this Courtney"? Jacky yelled. Courtney sat frozen in her chair, her eyes were drawn to a painting in the living room of this beautiful white barn owl. Courtney focused her attention on the painting as she was being yelled at by Andrews mother. Andrews father Darrel on the other hand sat in his chair eating a steamy piece of chicken and said nothing as he knew his wife was on a war path. "You honestly think it is a good idea to have a baby without having a home, a good paying job or being married? well it is a completely stupid idea" Jacky announced as she was leaving the house and slammed the door behind her.

Introduction.

Courtney sat in the back of her first class among a group of three girls all with the same name, Amanda. There was no one in Courtney's class that she knew so sitting among the group eased the bit of anxiety Courtney had. "Oh my God, I think he is in our class" mentioned the taller Amanda who prefers to be called Manda. "He is so fricken HOT and I know he doesn't have a girlfriend. No one has been able to snag him yet" responded the shorter blonde haired Amanda, who also goes by Mandy. Courtney just listened in on the groups conversation as she unpacked her books and set them on her desk. All eyes ended up darting to the door of the class to which this handsome, dark haired, athletic built hunk came walking through. The Amanda group instantly began fixing their hair and adjusting their outfits. The hunk walked to the back of the class and took the only open desk available, which was right beside Courtney. "Hi Andrew, I didn't know you were in this class" brown hair Amanda giddily said.

Love.

The summer air was hot and the upstairs apartment that Andrew and Courtney were renting did not have air conditioning. The sun was blaring through the curtains and Courtney awoke to the sounds of birds chirping outside of her window. Andrew had already left to head to work so his spot beside Courtney in bed was cold and the blankets ruffled. Courtney yawned and got out of bed heading to the kitchen to get herself some coffee. To her surprise beside the coffee pot was a vase of flowers and a hand written note from Andrew. "Flowers for the girl I love, I can't wait to get back home to you" it read. Andrew randomly would do kind gestures like this for Courtney. Buy her flowers just because he was thinking about her or hide notes around the apartment to brighten her day. That afternoon when Andrew was done working and Courtney finished her last class, the couple decided to head to a near by lake for a swim. On the drive to the lake Andrew and Courtney sang their hearts out and laughed at each others rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. Courtney's long wavy auburn hair blew around her shoulders from the breeze flowing in through the car window. Her soft sun kissed skin glowed and her knees rested on the dash in front of her. The fragrance of sweet lime coconut body lotion was in the air. Unbeknownst to Courtney, Andrew was admiring her stunning beauty and soaking up every ounce of that picture perfect moment.

Goodbye.

Courtney walked in the door to her apartment and was startled to find Andrews mom Jacky with a suitcase full of Andrews belongings. "Hi, Jacky" ? Courtney said with a puzzled look on her face. Jacky just stood looking at Courtney without a response. Andrew came out of the bedroom holding a duffel bag of clothes not knowing Courtney had arrived home sooner then usual. "Hi Court, mom just head outside I'll be out there in a few minutes" Andrew explained to his mom Jacky. Jacky noted to Courtney "it's for the best" then dragged the big heavy suitcase past Courtney and out the door. "What is going on Andrew"? Courtney asked. She stood in the doorway to the apartment, her body language was that of defeat. "I was at my counseling appointment and come home to you leaving with all of your stuff'? Courtney cried. "I'm sorry, I was hoping to have been gone before you got back home. I didn't want to make you more upset or have to get in to an argument with you while my mom is here. I can't do this anymore Court. I just can't. The baby is gone, your not the same. I just think its best if I left and went with my parents for awhile". Andrew responded. Courtney closed the door to the apartment with tears rolling down her face and said "Of course I am not the same, I have milk coming in for a baby who isn't here, an empty belly where our son once grew, everywhere I go I see pictures of babies, or posters of babies or hear a baby cry and it tortures my soul Andrew". Courtney walked in to her seemingly empty bedroom, drawers were open, items gone and sat at the edge of the bed. "I don't know how to be what you need Court, like what do you want me to do" Andrew asked. "How do I answer that, I don't even know what to do. Nothing is okay. Everything is falling a apart and your mother seems delighted our child is no longer a burden" responded Courtney. "I'm Sorry Court. I'm going to my parents, we can talk later tonight okay? Goodbye" Andrew said as he closed the apartment door behind himself.

Strangers.

Courtney ended up dropping out of her College program as the devastation of losing her child and Andrew leaving was too much. The mental and physical exhaustion that wore on Courtney resulted in it being too difficult to get herself out of bed to attend class. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. The pain of losing Courtney's child was still lingering but her body had returned back to normal, the milk dried up and her stomach shrunk back to the thin build she had pre-pregnancy. Her social life slowly resembled a sliver of normalcy. For a long time people would avoid making contact with her out in public as they feared speaking of her tragic loss. The conversations with Andrew were few and far in between and life seemed to just go on as though nothing had ever happened. Months turned in to years and speaking with Andrew had dwindled to complete silence. Courtney went to a local shopping market to grab a few groceries for dinner with a new recipe in hand. She walked the isles finding various ingredients and reading the recipe until she got distracted by a gentlemen walking through the grocery store doors. Courtney's heart sank. Andrew made eye contact with Courtney, gave a little wave and then just kept going on his way. The worst feeling in the world is walking by someone you use to love, who use to adore you and you have so many memories with but you have to stuff that feeling of missing them down. Their life continues on without you and yours without them but nothing hurts more then realizing you are now, nothing but strangers.