Strange Sightings

I bought binoculars to look at birds. But, when my new neighbor moved in across the street, I confess that I turned them in his direction. I became a "Peeping Tina."

The first thing that struck me was how handsome he was. He looked to be in his early thirties, like me. He kept his dark hair nicely trimmed. He was in good shape, going for a brisk run most mornings.

The second thing I noticed was the lack of companionship. No wife. No visits from family or friends. Maybe, like me, what little family he had was deceased. Maybe he was estranged. Maybe he was a loner. I wondered if I should bake him some banana bread as an excuse to meet him.

Then, things took a strange turn. One night, I heard noises, so I looked through my binoculars. It was Mr. VonHunky. He was dragging something suspiciously like a body towards his Outback. He had fashioned a ramp so that he didn't have to lift the bulky item. As he got it on the ramp, I saw an arm flop over the edge. It was a body!

What if my neighbor got his kicks murdering anyone who so much as looked at him sideways? That would explain why he's a loner. I wondered if I should call the police, but by the time I had made the decision, he was pulling away with the evidence. I'd have to keep a watchful eye on him.

The next morning, Dreamy McDeath went for his jog as usual. I entertained the notion of snooping for about 3.6 seconds. I had never done anything criminal, and I wasn't going to start at that point.

He disappeared before I went to work. That afternoon, I rushed home. His car was in his driveway again. I plopped my purse and keys on the counter, kicked off my shoes, and grabbed my binoculars. I could see him through the window. He appeared to be arguing with someone though he was the only person I could see. His arms were flailing. He was pointing accusingly to the right of the window.

That night, while I was eating, I heard noises again. He was loading another body. My God, my nightmare was happening before my eyes. I couldn't find my phone fast enough, and away he went. I vowed to keep my phone with me and eat by the window in the future.

Finally, the next evening, I was ready. That night, El Manly Muerte didn't load another body. He had an armful of swords. Was he chopping up his victims? He went back into his house. I took a bite of my sandwich. When I looked back though my binoculars, I gasped and flung myself down on the couch, out of view. He had peered back at me with his own binoculars.

Did he suspect that I knew the truth? Was I destined to be his next conquest? I sat still, trying to calm my breathing and my palpitating heart.

The doorbell rang, sending me further into panic mode. When I didn't answer, he knocked. He yelled through the door, "I know you're home. I saw you. I have a ticket for you."

A ticket?

Curiosity got the better of me. I cracked the door, leaving the chain engaged. I asked, "Ticket for what?"

He said, "I'm Steve." His smile was disarming, but then, so were Jack Nicholson and Alan Rickman, and they could be bad. He continued, "My theater group is putting on a production of Shenandoah. I know you've seen me loading props. I saw glare from the streetlight shining off your binoculars."

I stood there with my mouth open.

He proceeded, "We're a small production, so I borrowed some nursing mannequins from work. We'll dress them up as Confederate and Union soldiers. I'm a P.A. Uh, Physician's Assistant. That's how I got permission to use them."

I nodded, then asked, "Where did you get the swords?"

"Actually, I made them. They're painted wood, but I think they turned out well. I also made bayonets. I was about to load them when I decided to give you a ticket. I just moved from across town and haven't had a chance to meet anyone yet. I had to make sure you were home, so I took a page out of your book with the binoculars."

So, the argument was him rehearsing.

I opened the door fully and said, "Sorry. How unneighborly of me. I'm Tina. I'd love to watch your performance."

That's how I met my husband. I was his next conquest.